Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Sicker Than A Dead Dog In An Arizona Blizzard

I've had the flu recently, sorry for the long silence. Apparently, the flu doesn't distinguish between people. It should.


Thursday, December 14, 2006

There's Only ONE of Me

Sorry, people, I won't be able to attend all the Christmas Parties I have been invited too(currently 318 and counting). I am actually not attending any Christmas Parties. I am having a quiet Christmas at home.

However, if you would like to send me an e-card or a nice Christmas letter, you can send me one at my email address provided I shall try to respond to all of you, but I might not get a chance.

Merry Christmas

BTW: I am going to create links to my fans blogs. If you would like a link to yours set up, then post a comment and let me know.

Saturday, December 09, 2006

Why Do You Read This Blog

I am conducting a survey. Do you read this blog.

A. For my greatness.
B. To soak up my greatness.
C. Because you feel so inferior for me.
D. If you have another reason, state it.

I am looking forward to your responses.


Friday, December 08, 2006

Canada(Or Should I Say The Only Thing Keeping Us From Having A Whole Continent To Ourselves)

I was looking at a map today, and I was appalled to discover that Canada is not actually the 51st(as well as largest) state in the United States. :-O

In order to conform this, I first went to my massive brain for more information, but was unable to resolve my problem. Therefore, I went to the mystic oracle that is called Google, where I was even more outraged to find that it is the only thing keeping the US from having a whole continent to itself(except for Mexico, but that's in Central America, not North American).

Now, what's up with these people trying to keep the US out of Canada? I mean, not only are they keeping us from North America, but they're also keeping the better half of Niagara Falls for themselves.

Here I will list the things that I have found offensive about Canada.

1. First up, what's up with the stupid flag? I mean, a leaf????? Wow, lets be original guys, come up with the one thing that is in every country in the world, and stick it to some cloth. (I have a theory that their flag was created when the flag creating committee left a white sheet outside in fall.)

2. Canadian Bacon? HAM GUYS!!!

3. British Columbia Can't decide whether they're still under British Control, or if they're in South America.

Anyways, I now officially declare Canada for the United States of America. I'm sure all of you Canadians are cheering with joy.

I'm Coming For You Brethren


P.S. The views in this post are not endorsed by any governing body of the United States Of America. They are solely the result of my great brain.

P.P.S. If you would like to donate money to the cause, IM me at once(my IM is in my profile). Together we can take back North America!(We need a cool moving logo and sound byte to any designers who are out there.)

P.P.P.S. I apologize to any Canadians who remain loyal to the socialist regime in Canada.

P.P.P.P.S Don't stop reading my greatness just cause you're from Canada.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Ancestors Vs. Descendents; Jelly Vs. Cream, and Other Stuff

I have recently gotten two comments I would like to respond to.

One is from Just D
This is a comment on one of my earlier posts: My Humble Beginnings
He says:
"Not to be picky here, but unless you were DaVinci's grandfather (which would cause an extreme paradigm, at which point most of us lesser being's heads would explode), he should have signed it to his greatest descendant, not ancestor.

Or something like that."

The other is from The CEO
This is a comment on the immediately previous post.
The CEO Says:
"While I tend to believe you on jelly filled, I have doubts about creme filled and honey dipped. When can I expect your work to cover these donuts?"

I will answer The CEO first.

*Ahem* While it may be hard for you to follow, the previous post can be used to prove the existence of anything by the substitution property of completely complex things.

I'll demonstrate.

For the three simple explanations, just substitute the item of your choice for "Jelly Donut". Now, as long as the statements hold true for that item, it is proved that it exist. For example, with brief proof 1:

Proof 1: I said it so you'd better believe it.

"It" Stands for "Jelly Donuts Exist". Substitute "Cream Filled Donuts Exist" and you have a proof(if I've said that, which I say here). You can do this for brief proofs 2 and 3 as well. Just substitute your item for "Jelly Filled Donuts", and as long as the statements hold, the substituted items exist.

For the longer proof, you would have to have a nose hair covered in the substance to deduce the existence of an item. There is another way, which is to basically denying the existence of everything and then denying the denial of everything, therefore, all things must exist.

Now To Answer Just D

Alright, you say that the painting should be signed to "My greatest descendant Dave, not ancestor, unless there was a lot of time travel involved. First let me reassure you that I am NOT, I repeat NOT, going to make up some stupid thing about how I traveled back in time and blah, blah, blah. This isn't Star Trek(although I HAVE figured out the answer to breaking the speed of light).

My first thought was, "Well, everyone makes mistakes, I mean, just cause it's Da vinci doesn't mean he didn't get brain blips sometimes."

Then I got to thinking and I figured there should be some other explanation. Well, I have exhaustively researched the problem, and I think I have found the answer.

If you recall Da Vinci was Italian. Now, if you look at the painting below it's in English(you might see where I'm going). If he was Italian, why did he write the below in English. Well, obviously he knew that I would be English(though I have mastered 50 other languages besides English, including Klingon and Romulan, I have not yet taken it upon myself to learn Italian). Da Vinci foresaw this, and wrote the text in English for my ease(he was a nice guy). Well, you know how it's said English is the hardest language to learn. Plus, who knows what the English was like then, what with thee and thou and all the 'eths they puteth on the end of everything) He made a small mistake. You can't exactly sue him(especially since he's dead).

I hope that you are pleased with my responses. I now need to go and finish my 1,000,000,000,000 page paper on the effects of a butterfly flapping its wings.

With Utter Disregard

Monday, December 04, 2006

"From Nose Hair to The Existence of Jelly Filled Donuts"

"From Nose Hair to The Existence of Jelly Filled Donuts"

An exhaustively easy explanation of how, from an atom from one of my nose hairs, we can conclude the existence of jelly donuts."

NOTE: The explanation below is incomplete. After I started writing, I realized that to properly prove the existence of Jelly Filled Donuts from examining an atom from a human hair would take approximately 5x10^25 pages.

Therefore I have included a EXTREMELY brief summery below(in strikeout characters and small print at the bottom of this post for your convenience). This explanation will seem boggled, twisted and just plain stupid to most people because not all the proof is there. It looks amazing if you have all the proof, but as mentioned above, that takes up a lot of space(I currently have a 700 GB hard-drive devoted entirely to this proof, but it's not quite complete, and I haven't found a site that will host a 700 GB file yet so you'll have to wait).

To replace the below proof with one that will make more sense to ordinary people, I offer the following proofs.

Proof 1: I said it so you'd better believe it.

Proof 2: Google Jelly Filled Donuts, you'll find that they do in fact exist.

Proof 3: Look at the below picture. It'd be pretty hard to come up with that if JFD's didn't exist.
(JFD's stand for Jelly Filled Donuts. In my experience, three letter acronyms are much cooler to say than three words. Some examples are: WMD(Weapons Of Mass Destruction), BSD(Berkeley Software Distribution), DMV(Department of Motor Vehicles), DIG(Dave Is Great), and so on and so forth.)

Proof 1 is the best proof of the three alternate proofs.

And if all this isn't enough proof, I'm eating one as I write this, so I know they do exist.

Share and Enjoy,

(Below is the very incomplete proof. See above for why this is so incomplete.)

Givens: I have an atom from a strand of hair from my nose.
Goal: To deduce the existence of jelly filled donuts from the givens(see above).
Given the atom, we can study it and see the following. First, using equations that are so big they would use up too much space to write, we find that the atom belongs to a species named homo-sapient. Now, these homo-sapient have two legs and walk(more long equations, just don't ask), and that the taste of sugary substances attracts them. Given this, by utilising the "I think therefore I am.(See Previous Post for an explanation of how we can prove this), we can deduce the fact "We think of sugary stuff, therefore it is.", and from this on to "My nose-hair is covered with raspberry jelly and donut, therefore it is." where it is a variable which represents the physical laws of the know universe(deduced from the atom of the nose-hair). Now, using matrix math, and multiplying the inverse of a 3x3 matrix onto a 4x4 rotational matrix, we can deduce the following.

Humans like jelly donuts.
The nose hair atom we are studying comes from a human.
The nose hair is covered in jelly and donut crumbs.

Using these and the transitive property of logic, we can see that Jelly Filled Donuts do in fact exist.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Don't Use My Greatness, Besides You're all Wrong Anyway

I would appreciate it if the world didn't use my great blog space to advertise for their mediocre websites. I have had to delete the comment in question, so you can't see it anymore, but it disappoints me to see people taking advantage of my greatness.

Now, while I was swimming this afternoon, I discovered that the mass of the earth could be determined from the size of the waves that expand from a drop of water. I did some quick mental calculations, and discovered that the mass of the earth is not in fact 5.9742×10^24 Kilograms. In fact, it's a lot more on the scale of 5.9741*10^24 Kilograms. While some may argue that the .0001 change doesn't matter, just take into account that the whole of technology is operating on the flawed assumption that the earth has .0001*10^24 more mass than it does. Just think! This throws the whole world off kilter. If we used the correct mass of the earth in science today, my great brain has calculated that we would save something on the order of a rather large amount of electricity. This would result in the rapid reduction of pollution, as well as making the earth just a whole lot nicer.

So maybe next time they determine a so called "fact", they should ask me.

Next post I'll go over the repercussions of this huge discovery on astronomy, and if I have time, I will extrapolate the existence of the rest of the universe from an atom from a strand of my hair(from my nose to be exact).

Stay beautiful,

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

I Am Not In Denial

I deny the following:

1. That I was ever summoned to court.
2. That I was ever arrested.
3. That I ever went to jail(this sort of goes with the last one).
4. That I have ever read Harry Potter books.
5. That I have ever plucked my nose hair(what are cordless nose hair trimmers for).

I also utterly deny that I posted the previous two posts. In fact I deny that they are even there. In fact I deny that I ever denied them. I also deny the denial of my denial. I deny that too.

The denied posts must have been written by a hater of me. I won though, so ha!(I deny I just typed that).

If we follow this logical string of denials back up the line, we will arrive finally at the denial of everything. From there we go to "I do not think, therefore, I do not exist."

Using multi-variable differential calculus, we can express this statement with the following equation.


From this, we can surmise: I think, therefore, I am.(We can also surmise E=MC^2, but we won't go into that.)

Friday, October 20, 2006

Please Comment

Comment if you see this, I need to now I still have fans out there that read this. I don't care if you've never even read my blog, just read it(or not) and then comment please!

I'm losing faith.

Sunday, August 20, 2006

Forgive and Forget, Right?

Please forgive me for my long absence...I have moved twice in the last couple of months. My first new location was a gated community with most excellent security service. My address was Cell-block 341A, Coosa County Jail. My second move(my current location) was to a big building named "Coosa Rehabilitation Center".

It all started when two people dressed in dark blue uniforms with star shaped badges showed up on my doorstep uninvited. I attempted to drive them away with my hoard of attack mice I have training in my basement for several years. Unfortunately, it appeared my training was for nought, as all the mice did was run and hide.

The next thing that happened puzzles me to this day. The bluesy dressed people started saying things like..."Under arrest", Something about my "'rights'? hand.", "Remain silent", and such...

An awkward silence ensued.

After a minute, I broke the silence by excusing my-self to go get something to eat. Rudely, the bluesy dressed people came inside uninvited and watched my actions suspiciously. All this staring was making me rather uncomfortable, so I decided to take a brisk walk to calm my nerves. When the people started following me, I decided to make it a very quick run away from wherever they were.

Unfortunately, my yard was enclosed by a fence, and I didn't have time to open the gate, so I decided to jump it. However, because of forces out of my control, I didn't quite make it. I woke up in the back of a white car.

At the station I was given a telephone, and told I could make one call. I was still rather hungry, so I decided to call the Pizza Guy. I ordered a large pizza with the works, but then they hung up on me after I told them where I was calling from. The bluesy men showed up again and took my to my apartment, which turned out to be small and made entirely of metal.

Strangely enough, none of my countless fans or friends came to bail me out. I assumed that they are all hibernating for the summer.

I won't give too many details about my appearance in court. I will tell you, however, that it was immediately after I got up and made a long speech that I was told I was moving again, this time to the "Coosa Rehabilitation Center".

I promised my counselor that I would delete this blog, but am secretly keeping it up.

Till later...

Yours Truly,
Dave the Great

Monday, June 26, 2006

What, Me Worry?

Apparently, my last post caused no small amount of concern among my fans. It seems that they think that I am getting sued for some reason. Well, let me assure them, that their fears have no foundation whatsoever. I'm just way too great to sue. In a comment, a fan of mine interpreted the writing like this.

"Dear Mr. Thompson,
By not responding to any of our previous (illegible), to remove the (illegible) content from (illegible) (illegible), you have forced us to take (illegible) action against (illegible)."

Well, I have figured out the illegible portions, and it goes like this

"Dear Mr. Thompson,
By not responding to any of our previous pleadings, to remove the great content from your blog, you have forced us to take great action against all other blogs."

Apparently, my blog is too great, so they are taking everyone elses offline. I'm sure the change will come about in the next few days. I'm sure you all will understand.

Anyway, no worries about lawsuits.

P.S. Comments such as

"Hey, dve!

The can su U, U'r 2 cool t ge sud! Jus give mE d word, dve, and il go n kill jams dogder or wtever an he ovisly dont kno dat u r dve! i m sooo md nou!

-dvs fn woo s anry"

are more insulting than they are anything else. I mean, if you're going to leave a comment on the greatest(and soon to be only) blog on the Internet, then at least have the decency to spell things right!

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

To Europe or Bust!!

I decided today that I would like to take a trip to Europe. I figured that seeing the great arts and buildings of the past will help relieve the feeling that I am the only person great enough to understand the things that I do.

Anyway, the mail-truck deposited more envelopes and papers in the little box by the street today. One of them was again from "The Law Offices of James Dogooder"(see my post entitled What Happened Today for more on James Dogooder and my greatness). The letter was again written in cursive, and so, I could not read it. However, I will post it up so you all can see that it is obviously a tribute to my greatness.

I accidentally set fire to it, and then had to douse it to put out the flames, so it's a little smudged, but I'm sure you can make it out(click on it to get a larger version).

Friday, June 16, 2006

Life Work

I am writing a book about my life. I believe these books in English (the language of the common American peasant) are called auto-biographies. To clarify, I'm not in the process of writing. I have been done with the writing for almost fifteen years. I'm currently in the process of trying to get a major publishing company to syndicate my book. This as I call it "SINdictation" stage has taken the fifteen years since I finished the final draft of my book. Now while many lesser authors would be discouraged by the flood of rejection slips, I am not. I'm sure you are thinking, "How is he so stead fast in the face of almost certain defeat?" Now you may think that it's another one of my amazing traits or that it must be a combination of my ancestors and my own amazing will power. But in reality, it's neither supreme bloodlines nor nerves of steel. It is knowledge that the publishers are wrong and I am right. In a couple of days, I will release never-before-seen rejection slips from the publisher with their ridiculous remarks on my amazing paragraphs.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Recent Happenings

Recently, I was hacked by the person who now calls himself "the critic". Obviously, my greatness became to much for him to bear, and he just had to try to defeat me. He challenged me to a duel, and I accepted.

We decided that since I live in America, and he lives in Denial, the best place for us to meet was over the internet. I challenged him to a game of Castle Wolfenstien, and he accepted.

The battle was short lived. I won a game. He then accused me of cheating and wanted a rematch. This went on for 5 games(me winning all of them), until he finally exited the game in disgust. It appears that I have won once and for all.


Wednesday, May 31, 2006

The Stupid Computer Among Other Things

I woke up today and turned on my computer, only to be greeted by a shower of sparks and an extraordinarily hot electrical fire. I quickly extinguished the fire with nothing but my willpower*.

After I extinguished the fire, the computer, surprisingly, would not power on. I tried yelling at it. After a full ten minutes of severe verbal abuse, the computer still refused to yield to me. I quickly proceed to physical abuse, using mallets, hammers, and screwdrivers as instruments of torture.

The computer had by now, received more damage than a Swiss-Army Knife could take. However, it still refused to power on.

I abandoned the computer as worthless.

As to just how I am posting this if my computer does not work: Just put it down to my greatness.

On another note, I received a call today about some letter. I was eating lunch at the time, and didn't think it was important enough to note what the guy said.


*And something that shot white foam over everything

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

What Happened Today?

I woke up, admiring my self in the mirror I have hanging over my bed. After a while, I decided it was time for some food to feed my brain.

Around noon, the mail-truck drove by, leaving, as it is in the habit of doing, some papers in my large box on a stick by the street. Among these papers was a particularly large yellow thing holding more papers. Curiosity overcame me, and I opened it to reveal a nice letter addressed to me, written in cursive. I have long since decided, that cursive is a stupid and often quite illegible form of writing(I have created many forms of writing to replace cursive, but they, as of yet, have not become known to the public), and therefore, forgot how to read it. Because of this, I had to guess at what the letter said.

I'm assuming it said something like this:
"Dear Great Dave,
I have always been your fan. I love you! You are so great.
-Your Subordinate Fan"

I am unsure as to whether this translation is correct, for the simple reason that the letter itself was a full 10 pages long. It could, of course, have been the same words repeated over and over again.

I could however, read the return address. It was: "The Law Offices of James Dogooder"
It must be that the legal system is in as much awe of me as ordinary peons.


Monday, May 29, 2006

The Universe

Now to tell you more about my thinking. I am a humble man by nature, I never hurt anyone intentionally, and I don't think I've ever done something I didn't intend to do.

My thoughts on the universe go something like this. I think that the universe is not, as most physicist think, and ever expanding egg shaped object. Rather, it is about the size and shape of the CD-ROM that is not resting on my desk. The only difference between it and the universe, is that the universe is more like those new holographic disks they are just now starting to create. So really, all the universe is, is a reflection of the real universe. I won't go into my beliefs about what this means for humanity. The thing is, the universe is like a mirror that reflects more than light. It reflects feelings, pain, etc. So really, there is no difference between the real universe, and our one. Just as there is no difference between the person, and his reflection.

I got a phone call today from someone today. He started yelling at me, and I figured he loved me so much he couldn't control himself.


About the Butterknife

It appears that I have silenced the critic once and for all with my great logic and amazing tact. Nevertheless, I will do what I said, and post a picture of the engravings on the butterknife. A picture of the key to the ancient dialect is not possible since I solved it all in my head.

The Reverse Side of The Butterknife

As you can see, there is clearly writting on the reverse side. Later posts will no longer focus on critics of my past and such. They will focus again on my greatness and such.


Sunday, May 28, 2006

Reply to a Critic

I received a comment to both of my previous posts. The first one was just what I expected.

A comment from 'Captian Peabody':
"Wow, Dave, you are so great! I feel honored just to be able to read the same words you've written."

But the second one had some issues with some of my reasoning about my ancestors. It was from an anonymous person, and it said:
"Hey umm dave you strike me as a megalomanaic. You realize that this so called "da vinci painting theory has several holes in it, and I will list them in orer of most to least important. First, it is known that da vinci was gay and had no children. secondly if he did some how manage to raise a family with out the world knowing it how should he have known that in a couple hundred years one of his desendants would be named Dave? Secondly, we have no evidence that the so called "sword"(actually a butter knife) has any inscription much less a relation to genghis kahn. Finally to name just one of the many flaws that frequent your post, how did a butter kife of an asian war lord end up in an American attic? Could I also be so bold as to ask to have you post a picture of the inscription as well as the key you made to cipher the ancient dialect. I have touched on a few of the many problems that seem to in habit this piece of junk you call a post.
with all respect,

Now, we'll go through this point by point. First of all, Da Vinci was NOT gay, I don't care what you say. I don't know where you got this information, but that's just not true. Look up any biography you want. Now, what the biographies will tell you is that he was not gay, but what they won't tell you, is that he WAS, in fact, married. He was married to a peasant girl who lived just outside of his hometown. The marriage was a secret, and the girl died a year later giving birth to their only son(my great-great-great-etc-grandfather). I gather this information from sources(written by Da Vinci himself) I found in my attic when I found the painting.

And as to him knowing I would be his ancestor... I don't know how he knew, the only thing that matters is that he DID know(if you want proof, look at the inscription on the painting).

About the butter-knife/sword deal. You say there is no evidence of it, yet there is evidence on the very page you are reading from. The picture of the knife in my previous post is, of course, what I'm speaking of. As to how it got in my attic, it just so happens that I do not feel I should share the story with just any person who comes to this site, so I will not tell.

As to a picture of the inscription. I will post a picture soon. I cannot do it right this minute because the knife in question is currently being examined by trained professionals.

And as for your comment. Learn to spell and capitalize properly. And PLEASE, at least sign your name, not just 'anonymous'.


My Humble Beginnings

Lately, I have been receiving emails, letters, IM's, etc, all inquiring about my past. Well, I deleted all those, but yesterday, looking in my mirror, I realized that I owed it to the world to tell them HOW I became so great.

I have tracked my lineage back, and using my great brain, have determined without doubt, that I am, in fact, a direct descendant of Albert Einstein. Delving further, I discovered that Einstein was a direct descendant of none other than Leonardo Da Vinci, and in turn, Da Vinci was a direct descendant of the famous warlord, Genghis Khan.

Therefore(using a method I call "the transitive method"), I am the modern day Genghis Khan.(Don't worry if you don't understand(it just means I'm great), or in fact, believe this[I will offer proof later in the post])

But I do not let the knowledge of my great lineage alter me in the least. I am still the kind, compassionate, caring, humble person I have always been.

As of my past, I was born great, I am great, and I will always be great. That is all you need to know.

Earlier in the post, I told you that I would offer proof as to my lineage.

Here, I am including a picture of a thing past down to me from the great Khan himself. On the reverse side(not included in the picture), is an inscription in an ancient dialect.

Genghis Khan's Great Butter-Knife

My great brain has been able to decipher this dialect and here is the approximate translation: "This butter knife is the sole property of Genghis Khan. Any duplication, or unauthorized use will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law."

I think that proves the Khan connection. Now, since I proved that Da Vinci is a descendant of Khan, Einstein a descendant of Da Vinci, and I myself a descendant of Einstein, this obviously proves without a doubt my point. But to dissuade any remaining doubters, I will offer proof of my relation to these two men.

This painting is sure-fire proof that I am related to Da Vinci. I found this in my attic one day.

An Unknown Da Vinci Painting Found By Me

Now, If you look in the lower left hand corner of this masterpiece, you will see an inscription which reads: "From: Grandpa Da Vinci
To: My Greatest Ancestor Dave"

The Inscription

"Grandpa Da Vinci" is obviously a shortened title. The correct inscription with all of the "Greats" included could never fit in the corner of a painting.

For proof of my relation to Einstein, I will show you a page I found in a notebook entitled "Einstein's Notebook", and handed down through the family for generations.

A Page From Einstein's Notebook

It starts to say: "To find the volume of the spherical junk of anti-matter[EQUATION]"

It was obviously at this moment that inspiration struck, and the famous E=MC^2 was born. You can see this from the big Voila!!!! written below it.

So there is my past. I hope you peons enjoyed it.

All About Me And My Greatness

Hello Inferior Beings, this is Dave Thompson, a.k.a Dave the Superior. This is the place for me to vent my feelings of rage at the rest of the insignificant population of this world.

Just yesterday, I was sitting around feeling better than everyone else, and my "friends"(so they call themselves) were wishing they were more like me, when I looked in the mirror and realized why I was so great. I'm going to put a picture up here to show you, but I'll have to blur it up so you won't go blind from the dazzling beauty.

My Greatness

Well, I could go on typing all day, due to my massive hand muscle strength, but I'm tired of sharing the workings of my enormous brain with you peons.

Next Post: We'll explore my past, and explore just what has made me into the great person I am today.