Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Sicker Than A Dead Dog In An Arizona Blizzard

I've had the flu recently, sorry for the long silence. Apparently, the flu doesn't distinguish between people. It should.


Thursday, December 14, 2006

There's Only ONE of Me

Sorry, people, I won't be able to attend all the Christmas Parties I have been invited too(currently 318 and counting). I am actually not attending any Christmas Parties. I am having a quiet Christmas at home.

However, if you would like to send me an e-card or a nice Christmas letter, you can send me one at my email address provided I shall try to respond to all of you, but I might not get a chance.

Merry Christmas

BTW: I am going to create links to my fans blogs. If you would like a link to yours set up, then post a comment and let me know.

Saturday, December 09, 2006

Why Do You Read This Blog

I am conducting a survey. Do you read this blog.

A. For my greatness.
B. To soak up my greatness.
C. Because you feel so inferior for me.
D. If you have another reason, state it.

I am looking forward to your responses.


Friday, December 08, 2006

Canada(Or Should I Say The Only Thing Keeping Us From Having A Whole Continent To Ourselves)

I was looking at a map today, and I was appalled to discover that Canada is not actually the 51st(as well as largest) state in the United States. :-O

In order to conform this, I first went to my massive brain for more information, but was unable to resolve my problem. Therefore, I went to the mystic oracle that is called Google, where I was even more outraged to find that it is the only thing keeping the US from having a whole continent to itself(except for Mexico, but that's in Central America, not North American).

Now, what's up with these people trying to keep the US out of Canada? I mean, not only are they keeping us from North America, but they're also keeping the better half of Niagara Falls for themselves.

Here I will list the things that I have found offensive about Canada.

1. First up, what's up with the stupid flag? I mean, a leaf????? Wow, lets be original guys, come up with the one thing that is in every country in the world, and stick it to some cloth. (I have a theory that their flag was created when the flag creating committee left a white sheet outside in fall.)

2. Canadian Bacon? HAM GUYS!!!

3. British Columbia Can't decide whether they're still under British Control, or if they're in South America.

Anyways, I now officially declare Canada for the United States of America. I'm sure all of you Canadians are cheering with joy.

I'm Coming For You Brethren


P.S. The views in this post are not endorsed by any governing body of the United States Of America. They are solely the result of my great brain.

P.P.S. If you would like to donate money to the cause, IM me at once(my IM is in my profile). Together we can take back North America!(We need a cool moving logo and sound byte to any designers who are out there.)

P.P.P.S. I apologize to any Canadians who remain loyal to the socialist regime in Canada.

P.P.P.P.S Don't stop reading my greatness just cause you're from Canada.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Ancestors Vs. Descendents; Jelly Vs. Cream, and Other Stuff

I have recently gotten two comments I would like to respond to.

One is from Just D
This is a comment on one of my earlier posts: My Humble Beginnings
He says:
"Not to be picky here, but unless you were DaVinci's grandfather (which would cause an extreme paradigm, at which point most of us lesser being's heads would explode), he should have signed it to his greatest descendant, not ancestor.

Or something like that."

The other is from The CEO
This is a comment on the immediately previous post.
The CEO Says:
"While I tend to believe you on jelly filled, I have doubts about creme filled and honey dipped. When can I expect your work to cover these donuts?"

I will answer The CEO first.

*Ahem* While it may be hard for you to follow, the previous post can be used to prove the existence of anything by the substitution property of completely complex things.

I'll demonstrate.

For the three simple explanations, just substitute the item of your choice for "Jelly Donut". Now, as long as the statements hold true for that item, it is proved that it exist. For example, with brief proof 1:

Proof 1: I said it so you'd better believe it.

"It" Stands for "Jelly Donuts Exist". Substitute "Cream Filled Donuts Exist" and you have a proof(if I've said that, which I say here). You can do this for brief proofs 2 and 3 as well. Just substitute your item for "Jelly Filled Donuts", and as long as the statements hold, the substituted items exist.

For the longer proof, you would have to have a nose hair covered in the substance to deduce the existence of an item. There is another way, which is to basically denying the existence of everything and then denying the denial of everything, therefore, all things must exist.

Now To Answer Just D

Alright, you say that the painting should be signed to "My greatest descendant Dave, not ancestor, unless there was a lot of time travel involved. First let me reassure you that I am NOT, I repeat NOT, going to make up some stupid thing about how I traveled back in time and blah, blah, blah. This isn't Star Trek(although I HAVE figured out the answer to breaking the speed of light).

My first thought was, "Well, everyone makes mistakes, I mean, just cause it's Da vinci doesn't mean he didn't get brain blips sometimes."

Then I got to thinking and I figured there should be some other explanation. Well, I have exhaustively researched the problem, and I think I have found the answer.

If you recall Da Vinci was Italian. Now, if you look at the painting below it's in English(you might see where I'm going). If he was Italian, why did he write the below in English. Well, obviously he knew that I would be English(though I have mastered 50 other languages besides English, including Klingon and Romulan, I have not yet taken it upon myself to learn Italian). Da Vinci foresaw this, and wrote the text in English for my ease(he was a nice guy). Well, you know how it's said English is the hardest language to learn. Plus, who knows what the English was like then, what with thee and thou and all the 'eths they puteth on the end of everything) He made a small mistake. You can't exactly sue him(especially since he's dead).

I hope that you are pleased with my responses. I now need to go and finish my 1,000,000,000,000 page paper on the effects of a butterfly flapping its wings.

With Utter Disregard

Monday, December 04, 2006

"From Nose Hair to The Existence of Jelly Filled Donuts"

"From Nose Hair to The Existence of Jelly Filled Donuts"

An exhaustively easy explanation of how, from an atom from one of my nose hairs, we can conclude the existence of jelly donuts."

NOTE: The explanation below is incomplete. After I started writing, I realized that to properly prove the existence of Jelly Filled Donuts from examining an atom from a human hair would take approximately 5x10^25 pages.

Therefore I have included a EXTREMELY brief summery below(in strikeout characters and small print at the bottom of this post for your convenience). This explanation will seem boggled, twisted and just plain stupid to most people because not all the proof is there. It looks amazing if you have all the proof, but as mentioned above, that takes up a lot of space(I currently have a 700 GB hard-drive devoted entirely to this proof, but it's not quite complete, and I haven't found a site that will host a 700 GB file yet so you'll have to wait).

To replace the below proof with one that will make more sense to ordinary people, I offer the following proofs.

Proof 1: I said it so you'd better believe it.

Proof 2: Google Jelly Filled Donuts, you'll find that they do in fact exist.

Proof 3: Look at the below picture. It'd be pretty hard to come up with that if JFD's didn't exist.
(JFD's stand for Jelly Filled Donuts. In my experience, three letter acronyms are much cooler to say than three words. Some examples are: WMD(Weapons Of Mass Destruction), BSD(Berkeley Software Distribution), DMV(Department of Motor Vehicles), DIG(Dave Is Great), and so on and so forth.)

Proof 1 is the best proof of the three alternate proofs.

And if all this isn't enough proof, I'm eating one as I write this, so I know they do exist.

Share and Enjoy,

(Below is the very incomplete proof. See above for why this is so incomplete.)

Givens: I have an atom from a strand of hair from my nose.
Goal: To deduce the existence of jelly filled donuts from the givens(see above).
Given the atom, we can study it and see the following. First, using equations that are so big they would use up too much space to write, we find that the atom belongs to a species named homo-sapient. Now, these homo-sapient have two legs and walk(more long equations, just don't ask), and that the taste of sugary substances attracts them. Given this, by utilising the "I think therefore I am.(See Previous Post for an explanation of how we can prove this), we can deduce the fact "We think of sugary stuff, therefore it is.", and from this on to "My nose-hair is covered with raspberry jelly and donut, therefore it is." where it is a variable which represents the physical laws of the know universe(deduced from the atom of the nose-hair). Now, using matrix math, and multiplying the inverse of a 3x3 matrix onto a 4x4 rotational matrix, we can deduce the following.

Humans like jelly donuts.
The nose hair atom we are studying comes from a human.
The nose hair is covered in jelly and donut crumbs.

Using these and the transitive property of logic, we can see that Jelly Filled Donuts do in fact exist.