Monday, December 04, 2006

"From Nose Hair to The Existence of Jelly Filled Donuts"

"From Nose Hair to The Existence of Jelly Filled Donuts"

An exhaustively easy explanation of how, from an atom from one of my nose hairs, we can conclude the existence of jelly donuts."

NOTE: The explanation below is incomplete. After I started writing, I realized that to properly prove the existence of Jelly Filled Donuts from examining an atom from a human hair would take approximately 5x10^25 pages.

Therefore I have included a EXTREMELY brief summery below(in strikeout characters and small print at the bottom of this post for your convenience). This explanation will seem boggled, twisted and just plain stupid to most people because not all the proof is there. It looks amazing if you have all the proof, but as mentioned above, that takes up a lot of space(I currently have a 700 GB hard-drive devoted entirely to this proof, but it's not quite complete, and I haven't found a site that will host a 700 GB file yet so you'll have to wait).

To replace the below proof with one that will make more sense to ordinary people, I offer the following proofs.

Proof 1: I said it so you'd better believe it.

Proof 2: Google Jelly Filled Donuts, you'll find that they do in fact exist.

Proof 3: Look at the below picture. It'd be pretty hard to come up with that if JFD's didn't exist.
(JFD's stand for Jelly Filled Donuts. In my experience, three letter acronyms are much cooler to say than three words. Some examples are: WMD(Weapons Of Mass Destruction), BSD(Berkeley Software Distribution), DMV(Department of Motor Vehicles), DIG(Dave Is Great), and so on and so forth.)

Proof 1 is the best proof of the three alternate proofs.

And if all this isn't enough proof, I'm eating one as I write this, so I know they do exist.

Share and Enjoy,

(Below is the very incomplete proof. See above for why this is so incomplete.)

Givens: I have an atom from a strand of hair from my nose.
Goal: To deduce the existence of jelly filled donuts from the givens(see above).
Given the atom, we can study it and see the following. First, using equations that are so big they would use up too much space to write, we find that the atom belongs to a species named homo-sapient. Now, these homo-sapient have two legs and walk(more long equations, just don't ask), and that the taste of sugary substances attracts them. Given this, by utilising the "I think therefore I am.(See Previous Post for an explanation of how we can prove this), we can deduce the fact "We think of sugary stuff, therefore it is.", and from this on to "My nose-hair is covered with raspberry jelly and donut, therefore it is." where it is a variable which represents the physical laws of the know universe(deduced from the atom of the nose-hair). Now, using matrix math, and multiplying the inverse of a 3x3 matrix onto a 4x4 rotational matrix, we can deduce the following.

Humans like jelly donuts.
The nose hair atom we are studying comes from a human.
The nose hair is covered in jelly and donut crumbs.

Using these and the transitive property of logic, we can see that Jelly Filled Donuts do in fact exist.