Friday, February 04, 2011

My Yearly Post

I noticed earlier today that my alarm had gone off to write my yearly post. And, as Deb so eloquently pointed out, my only motivation for posting anything on this blog is to "yank out the rug from under [her] feet." I hope you enjoy this. Until next year, I bid you adieu.


Friday, September 03, 2010

Your Freedom

After countless months of silence, I have decreed that your D.A.V.E-declared exile has finally come to an end. Some of you may be wondering what you have done to receive such harsh treatment from someone as infinitely awesome as I. Do not worry, though, for I have returned not only to tell you what heinous crime you committed, but also to inform you about my whereabouts the past year.

First on this post's agenda: the heinous crime

I can understand your confusion as to why you were being punished, but first let me say this: it's not me, it's you. Please don't take that too harshly as I consider taking care of your feelings included under the job description of “Ultimate Supreme Being.” Really its not only your fault, but it's also the fault of the person who may or may not be sitting next to you. Now would be an appropriate time to turn to the person (or go out and find a person) and quietly yell (so as to not disturb the me (I have decided to refer to myself as “the me” because I deserve a worthy title, but I digress)) insults to the other person attempting to inflict as much emotional harm as possible. After rereading this blog a little less than one year ago, I proclaimed that all of you had effectuated a malfeasance. The heinous crime that your partner has committed (as well as yourself) is to allow the me to become complacent in my treatment of such insignificant peons. I have decided to revive this blog (and allow you to come out of exile) to once again share the workings of my enormous brain with the likes of you.

Second of this post's agenda: the past year's events

Initially after your ostracism, I stayed away from the outdoors for fear of giving you the wrong impression that your banishment was over. I also stayed away from my closet for fear of getting locked in again (see my post: Coming Out Of The Closet). I later realized that I was essentially ostracizing myself from you and quickly decided to enter the world at large and force yourselves to understand that it was you that was banished and for you to remove yourselves from my presence.

In order to pass the time between pondering the different mysteries of the universe (of which I have now solved all of them (but that's a different story)), I decided to get a job. What better job is there than molding the young minds of tomorrow that have already failed in reaching my level of greatness? What better person to teach them to try to become more like the me than the me himself? I immediately walked to Harvard University and then into the first classroom I could find. The students had already assembled and I assumed that Harvard had anticipated my arrival and set up the class specifically for me. I walked in and introduced myself to the class as their new professor “Dr. D.A.V.E.” and gave them a recommended reading list that consisted of my personal blog. At this moment an older person with a long, pointed gray beard decided to walk in to my class. Assuming he was just there to bask in my overpowering awesomeness, I continued to teach. He had other plans. This guy has the nerve to walk up to the me and ask me to “take a seat.” He didn't even tell me where he wanted the me to take said chair. Baffled, I collapsed into the nearest desk. He continued to override my authority by introducing himself as “Professor Timon.” The self-proclaimed professor then decided to introduce my class as “Intro to Ethics.” Outraged, I jumped up (that's an overstatement, I really just stood up), yelled “'Intro to Ethics' is not the name of my class!” and left the room intending to speak to the authorities.

And that brings us to right now. After being kicked out of my own classroom, I concluded that your banishment should end, and I found a computer to make this post to let you know that D.A.V.E. is indeed back.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

In Response, Plus, Some New Material

First to respond to some provocative comments made by various peoples.

1. J.A.S.O.N.: I am suing you for stealing my idea with your name. It's a good thing you didn't complete the final steps or I would sue you for stealing my body, brain, and personality too.

2. Deb: I thank you for your kind words. And I realize I'm worth fighting over. I suggest you settle the dispute with a gift war. This being a war in which the only object is to send me more presents, and more importantly, more expensive presents than anyone else. The winner may or may not receive a plastic plaque.

3. Jason. I am great, you are not. Please don't assume anything about me.

4. And finally:
Dear Captain Awesome,

I am glad you have been reading my blog. You will be a better person for it. For example, you will soon see how ridiculous it is to assume that you can do away with steps 7-9. In fact, these are the most integral steps. By continuing to read my blog, you will see more and more how mistaken you really are.

Now, on to new business. Someone mentioned that my birthday has passed. Actually, Captain Awesome, you calculated my birthday wrong. It is the 1st of August, not the 2nd. But I digress. My birthday is actually the cause of my long hiatus from this blog. I relate my experiences here.

D.A.V.E.'s Birthday

I flew to Times Square in New York, the only place I thought would be big enough in America to hold the masses of people that would come to celebrate the momentous day. I arrived in New York around noon on my birthday and promptly proceeded to Times Square. The first clue that something was wrong was that there was no reception committee at the airport, and (I thought it might be because they were trying to make it a surprise party) the driver of the taxi I was forced to take didn't accept my autograph as legal tender. I put this off on the fact that I had spelled my name in English, and he obviously wasn't from an English speaking country. However, when he dropped me off in the square, it was remarkably empty, aside from the normal everyday traffic. I meandered around, expecting thousands of people to pour out of the building, alleys, taxi-cabs, and trashcans at any moment and shout "Surprise!". I must say here that this rather annoyed me as anyone who knows anything about me knows I am a man of too high an intellect as to be surprised at anything. I was thinking along these lines, when a bus rudely ran me over.

I woke up in a hospital some weeks later. Hence my absence. I tried updating the blog, but the only internet connection available in the subconscious is dial-up.

In regards to my birthday, I must assume that the person who planned the party made an error in his calculation in the same way that Captain Awesome did. It is unfortunate that I missed my party the next day.

The moral of this story is: verify all dates, times, and locations with me.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Your Ten Step Guide To Becoming SIMILAR To Me

An anonymous poster who called himself merely "Jason", commented

Dear D.a.v.e.

Hi I'm your biggest fan my name is Jason.I've been wondering. Is there a way I could make myself as cool as you.
eagerly awaiting your reply
P. S. You should open a D.A.V.E. amusement park

In response, I have devised...

"D.A.V.E.'s 10-Step Guide To Becoming SIMILAR To Me"*

Option 1:
The first option for being like me is being born as me. If you are lucky enough to have had this happen, then you don't need this 10-step guide. Please proceed to step 10.

Option 2:
For those of you who were not lucky enough to be born as me, this option is the one for you.

Step 1:
Memorize every word of this blog. Repeat various posts often in social situations. The more people you put down, the more superior you will be.

Step 2:
Brush your teeth twice a day. Make sure you get the molars. And don't forget the flossing and mouth-wash.

Step 3
You must store your computer in your linen closet. This is a very important step. You must follow this one.

Step 4
Change your name to a cool acronym.

Step 5
Devise a cunning plan to conquer Antarctica. Implementation is optional. It's really the planning that counts.

Step 6
Have Leonardo da Vinci, Genghis Khan, and Albert Einstein as ancestors. Be able to prove it with cool conclusive evidence as seen in My Humble Beginnings

Step 7
Switch bodies with me.

Step 8
Switch brains with me.

Step 9
Switch personalities with me.
Note: The order of steps 7, 8, and 9 is very important. Mixing up the order may cause dry mouth, indigestion, death, runny nose, nuclear explosion, diarrhea, upset stomach, the apocalypse, World War III, plagues of locusts, the rapture, the rise of the anti-Christ, hair loss, AND NOT BEING ME. Idiot.

Step 10
Revel in the glory of being me. Tell others of my greatness. Share and enjoy. Mainly enjoy though.

Congratulations, you have now completed my 10-step program and if all went according to plan, you are now as cool as me. I wish you well.

*D.A.V.E.'s 10-Step Guide To Becoming SIMILAR To Me" is merely intended to deceive the blubbering masses into thinking they can be like me for the purpose of further emphasize my greatness in comparison to everyone else.

All rights reserved. No part of this program may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, except as may be expressly permitted by the applicable copyright statutes or in writing by the me.

Copyright© D.A.V.E. 2009
Patents Pending
D.A.V.E.® is a registered trademark of Darwin Aristotle Vinci Euler.

Monday, August 03, 2009

An Interesting Month

July was an interesting month. I went into hibernation. I dreamed dreams about how to solve the crises of the world.

Dream #1:
I am a Huber Fish, swimming around in a small cage that obviously represent the limitations of mankind. All of a sudden, I eat the cage and burp up an ocean.

Interpretation of Dream #1:
I am the answer to all problems.

Dream #2:
I am a magnet, you know the kind that are painted all red on one side and all blue on the other. Everyone is attracted to me.

Interpretation of Dream #2:
Everybody loves the me!

Dream #3:
I am a clown fish, swimming around in a small fish bowl that obviously represents the limitations of humanity. All of a sudden, I shatter the bowl and throw up an ocean.

Interpretation of Dream #3:
I am the solution to all problems.

Dream #4:
I am standing on the top of a tall tree blowing in the wind. In the distance I can see a storm cloud with a huge tornado approaching. My position obviously in indicative of the fragile balance of the world. Suddenly I am the tornado and the tree is snapped like a twig.

Interpretation of Dream #4:
I will be the death of you.

Dream #5:
I am a sword fish, swimming around in a small lake that obviously represents the limitations of people. All of a sudden, I tunnel a hole to the ocean and the waters flow in. Equilibrium is reached between the ocean and the lake, which is now an ocean as well.

Interpretation of Dream #5:
I am thirsty.

At this point I awoke from my deep slumber and got a glass of water. Then I went to the bathroom. I always have liked the month of July.

Saturday, July 04, 2009

July 4th

So it's July 4th again. July 4th is one of my favorite days. The fireworks, the food. All in celebration of the fact that there are only 10,022,400 quarter seconds till my birthday! For anyone wanting to know what I want, I am in the process of authoring an extensive book on the subject and will publish the pertaining portions as soon as they are finished.

Also, I have yet to see anybody give reactions to my last post. My anger level is rising.


Friday, July 03, 2009

Reactions, Responses, Etc

I see that not many of my millions of readers are responding to my posts with comments. I realize this could be because you are scared of appearing stupid. But be that as it may, not everybody (or actually, nobody) can be as great as I am. Just do your best. I'll try to be nice.

But as a way to encourage responses, I have added a "Reactions" area below each post for quick, anonymous, feedback. You can rank my posts as "Great", "Greater", or "Greatest". Or, if you feel it's an exceptionally great post you can mark all of the above. I suggest this for all posts, but it's really up to you.

Also, I have a "Followers" area to the right of my blog. It's a quick easy way for your name or blog to be associated with me, so get to it.

So now that I've given you peons an easy way to react to my greatness, I suggest you use it.

Now react.


Saturday, June 27, 2009

Brallamese: Do They Exist?

Despite Deb's incapacity to give me a context for Brallama, I will tell you peons what Brallama means. As it has multiple definitions, I will give you the most well known.

Bra-llam-a \brə-'lä-mä\ n 1 : A mid-ranking priest in the Zoroastrian religion.

The reason you did not find this on Google is because Brallama is the sacred spelling of the word only known to very few. Not sure how you found it.

I will end this post with a little competition: The first person to find the common spelling of Brallama will get the knowledge that you are not quite as smart as me. That special person will also received a digitally autographed photo of me.

BTW: The language you called "gibberish" is my second language, D.A.V.E.idian. So I take offense to that statement.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Word Verification: Brallama

Dear Deb,
You say in your post dated June 22nd 8:04 PM:

Word verification: brallama

I know that has to mean something.

Although I already know the meanings of this word, it would be nice if you could give me a context in which it would be used. I would not like to give you the wrong definition, as this word has multiple definitions. Sort of like how "fluke" can mean either:
1) A stroke of luck.
2) A fish or flatworm.
3) The fins on a whale's tail.
4) The end parts of an anchor.
5) The part of an envelope you bend over and seal.

Thank you for your cooperation.

In other news, I found my leiopelmatidae. He was hiding on my map of the world just over New Zealand.


Monday, June 22, 2009

In Which I Catch a Myxinoidea, Lose a Leiopelmatidae, and Learn Pahsto

I caught a Myxinoidea today. It was swimming around in my sink.

My pet leiopelmatidae hopped away though. I called him with my special leiopelmatidae call but he didn't answer.

In other news, my study of Pashto is coming along well.

دخداى په امان


Friday, June 19, 2009

My New Name...And a Recipe for Brownies

After reading over this blog and finding that I am a genius in all matters, I have decided (as aforementioned) that I need a better name than "Dave". Here are some of the possibilities I have come up with.

Darwin was of course, the man that came up with the theory of evolution. The theory of evolution is of course, stated simply, that every individual person has at least one cousin who is an actual monkey. This was a very controversial finding, as many people did not want to admit that their cousin, whom they always suspected of being less bright than most, was an actual primate and not merely an extremely ugly person who spent most of his time grooming for fleas. However, the theory of evolution was conclusively proven by certain people and further validated by myself.

As you can see from this picture, Darwin himself is suspected of being one of the primate cousins, most likely distantly related to Charlton Heston(Darwin is the one on the left).

Aristotle was a jolly green giant back in the Grecian era who was best known for his series of boyhood adventure novels centered around his best friend, a dog named Plato. Books in this series include the critically acclaimed History of Animals, Parts of Animals, Movement of Animals, Progression of Animals, and the stunning climax, Generation of Animals. Also well known for his legendary romance novel Problems, which inspired such great writers as Jane Austin and Amanda McKittrick Ros.

However, for all his genius, he had a remarkably hard time spelling his own name, as evidenced by the above photo. Ἀριστοτέλης Aristotle.

See my earlier post My Humble Beginnings

Da Vinci was a mutant whose deformations (shown above) left him emotionally scarred as an adult. Because of this, he was an introvert who spent most of his time painting and writing. These activities brought some closure in his later years, seeing as his extra arms allowed him to sketch amazingly fast. This allowed him to complete extremely detailed drawings of helicopters and various other flying machines as they flew by.

Euler was a famous mathemetician who came up with the famous "Euler's Equation".

eix= cos x + isinx

This equation, proven true both by someone else and me, shows that if you take Euler(shown by e), and stick a funny hat on him(shown in the equation by the ix), then cost for a service x(denoted by cos x) will be increased by the order of isinx, which is an imaginary number whose value was lost sometime in the Dark Ages. Darn barbarians.

The only reason this equation has survived until today is because it was mistaken by the barbarians in question for a delicious recipe for low-fat double chocolate chunk brownies.

Modern scientists are currently working to equate the value of isinx by close examination of the above photo of Euler wearing the funny hat in question. Progress so far is slow due to the scientists being distracted both by his odd expression and his horrendous fashion sense.

The final vote on my new name was a tough but unanimous one. After careful consideration I have realized that the greatness and uniqueness of each of these individuals, added up, is more than any one of them combined. Therefore, to most fully describe my OWN greatness, I have decided that my new name will be:

Darwin Aristotle Vinci Euler

For all of you peons out there who cannot remember the whole thing, or for those who don't want to say the name for fear of mispronunciation, you may call me D.A.V.E. for short. Note however that D.A.V.E. is pronounced Davé as in the word that rhymes with bah-way.

Now I'm going to go try that new recipe for low-fat double chocolate chunk brownies I found.

-Darwin Aristotle Vinci Euler (D.A.V.E.)

Thursday, June 18, 2009

This Title Has Been Changed

Big spider give me lots of good foooood. But not very interessetering converser. So I crush hime with big boot. Ewwy. Boiled spider pretty tastety.

Bigd mouseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeAAAAAGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!.....................................................................................

Hello? I found this computer inside what I assume to be my house(I say this with utmost confidence seeing as I knew where the spare key was hidden). This post was just sitting here, so I decided to better it with my greatness. The last draft was autosaved July 14th, 2007 at 23:42 hours. The stupid "" had booted me out claiming something about my "session being timed out", so I logged back in(I'm also assuming this is my blog as I knew the password).

I can't quite remember who I am. However, reading back over this blog, I DO know that I MUST be Dave as I am the only person I know who could be this great. This blog is pure brilliance! Except for that last post. Someone else must have done that one. I mean...the deduction about those jelly donuts...pure genius. Except for my name. I hate the name Dave. I'm working on what my new name will be. I'll let you know when I figure it out.

Also, I know that when I woke up this morning, pre-dawn, I was lying naked in the fetal position on my lawn(or what I assume to be my lawn, given the evidence[look at that genius!]) with a bright light hovering a few hundred feet above the ground. My first thought was, "Hello, I am great!". My second was, "You are nothing more than a hovering ball of light, I will not trouble myself with speaking to you." My third thought was, "Who am I?", and the fourth, "Who cares? As long as I'm me."

I preceded to prove the Hodge conjecture, while the ball of light twisted itself into space-time. Good riddance. I lay there for a few hours, just to get acquainted with the world again, then got up and let myself into my(assumed) house.

On the way in, I passed a small mirror on the wall. My attention was stolen for another few hours contemplating my stark stunning handsomeness. After apprehending the thief and returning my attention to the rightful owner(myself), I noticed a large pile of mail on my, mainly consisting of subpoenas from the local police department. But being great and, at the moment, unsure if this was even my house, I used to fuel the fire to make some tea, adding just a little to my grotesque carbon footprint.

I eventually decided to get dressed, in order to grace the world with my sense of fashion, and that was about the time I noticed the computer. It was sitting in the closet, of all places. As aforementioned I decided to improve this posting with my greatness. Mission accomplished. I'll read over the rest of this blog and let you know when I know more about who I am and what my new name will be.


Saturday, July 14, 2007

Expert Board Confines Sneak Gum Astromomey Must Footnotes Passion

I is good today. I feels the best I never felt in a long time.

Guess what? Me is smert again. Me eats rats for lunch; they taste like chicken. You may think im dramaterizationizing this, but really, I feels excreuationaliingllylylylylyly wonderingfully.

Dave will tell you why he feels exkscrueationaly-wanderful, todya. uhuhuhuh uh uh uh uh u hu h uh uh u hu hu h uh u hu h uh uh u hu h uh u h uh u hu h uh..kkfdkdf kf dgjk eitfglje. Dave hands make good joke. Good job leftly.

Open head mind sergury feels good. Garderning shears not very percice. Doctor bill costs nothing. Dave can't pay Dave, now can we.

Big spider coming to say hello. Must say toodles.


Tuesday, July 03, 2007


Today, I was surfing the web from my dark closet, and I found this new article.

Man Punches 'Rude' Drive-Thru Clerk

This article offended me deeply. It is not only the fact that the poor person was arrested, but also that he was forced to receive sub-standard service. As a fellow human and male, I understand completely where Williams is coming from. He probably just got off from a bad day at work, and he wanted a quick bite on the way home. He stops at this fast food restaurant, and ends up getting a warrant posted for him.

Personally, I think that Williams should sue this clerk for obstruction of service. I could be your lawyer Mr. Williams. Who better to represent you than the world's smartest man?

Besides, I have been taking an online course to enhance my natural talent, and I am ready for my first case. If you too would like to try to become a lawyer, you can try to follow the tutorial I have been following then go Becoming A Lawyer, but please remember, results may vary. You are not Dave.

Reminds me of this very interesting video.

Republican Punches Democratic Colleague

Let me conclude my post with a warning to the world; I have high standards for politeness during fast food delivery. If I hear of any more "rude" clerks not giving the due respect for the customer, I will follow in the footsteps of Mr. Williams and thoroughly assault you with a skillet.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Coming Out Of The Closet....I NEED HELP!!!

Today I am responding to a comment posted by Deb that her faith in my "absolute infallibility" is wavering. You notice I am NOT responding to another comment by "the doubter". I'm willing to have civil and open discourse, but you must not bring facts of any kind into the discussion. The only evidence accepted is what I say/have said.

The comment from Deb was...

"Yes that is very fast. I find my faith in your absolute infallibility starting to waiver around the edges..........

Just a tiny bit, that is.

Hardly noticeable at all.


Hey! What's that over -------->> there????"

It is not my "absolute infallibility" that is wavering, but it my ability to deal with you peons and your incessant whining. I mean, why should I DAVE THE GREAT, need to explain myself to you??!? IT'S NOT LIKE I NEED YOU!!!! YOU'RE JUST A BUNCH OF RAVING LUNATICS!!!!!! I'M THE SANE ONE HERE...ME, ME, ME, ME, ME...............................................................


Alright, you win....I admit it, I lied, I'm a.....fake. Alright, I'll come out of the closet now, I'll explain everything. I've been trapped inside this dark place for months on end, I'm not sure who to talk to. I've tried a few things, but none of them seem to work. The only outlet I have is this stupid blog, and now my audience is losing faith in me as well. The darkness is threatening to take over. There just doesn't seem to be anyone here like me, just a few dead moths and a mouse. The mouse was my friend at first but then I found out he was stealing my food. The betrayal was too much for me, and I crushed him. I held a nice funeral for him, and cried over the body for weeks. There was no place to bury him, so I stuck him in an empty ration box. Even in death he spited me with his foul stench for weeks afterward. Nobody loves me, everybody hates me....nobody loves me, everybody hates loves me, everybody hates me.....

I come now to the point of this tirade...I now find it necessary to come out of the closet once and for all. I have run out of rations, my ex-mouse friend is rotting, and the moths are long gone, eaten by spiders. I come now to the point of no return, I must come out of the closet, I must, or I will die. I will chronicle the process for posterity's sake.

I am standing up. Oh no!!!!

Ok, false alarm it was only some old coat hangers. Even they hate me, the retch that I am.

I am reaching for the doorknob.

I am opening the hands are no longer what they used to be. Their muscles no longer ripple with strength. I am finding it hard to turn the doorknob.

I can't seem to open the door....I can't open it! What's happening, it wasn't locked when I entered many sleepless moons ago. I'm panicking....what can I do...

GET ME OUT OF HERE!!! I am attempting to use my internet connection to contact local emergency personal. Till then I am trapped. I implore anyone who reads this blog to help me! Deb, HELP ME!! Even the critic is welcome now!! Do you know anything about doorknobs?????! I need help!! Please help!!!