Friday, September 03, 2010

Your Freedom

After countless months of silence, I have decreed that your D.A.V.E-declared exile has finally come to an end. Some of you may be wondering what you have done to receive such harsh treatment from someone as infinitely awesome as I. Do not worry, though, for I have returned not only to tell you what heinous crime you committed, but also to inform you about my whereabouts the past year.

First on this post's agenda: the heinous crime

I can understand your confusion as to why you were being punished, but first let me say this: it's not me, it's you. Please don't take that too harshly as I consider taking care of your feelings included under the job description of “Ultimate Supreme Being.” Really its not only your fault, but it's also the fault of the person who may or may not be sitting next to you. Now would be an appropriate time to turn to the person (or go out and find a person) and quietly yell (so as to not disturb the me (I have decided to refer to myself as “the me” because I deserve a worthy title, but I digress)) insults to the other person attempting to inflict as much emotional harm as possible. After rereading this blog a little less than one year ago, I proclaimed that all of you had effectuated a malfeasance. The heinous crime that your partner has committed (as well as yourself) is to allow the me to become complacent in my treatment of such insignificant peons. I have decided to revive this blog (and allow you to come out of exile) to once again share the workings of my enormous brain with the likes of you.

Second of this post's agenda: the past year's events

Initially after your ostracism, I stayed away from the outdoors for fear of giving you the wrong impression that your banishment was over. I also stayed away from my closet for fear of getting locked in again (see my post: Coming Out Of The Closet). I later realized that I was essentially ostracizing myself from you and quickly decided to enter the world at large and force yourselves to understand that it was you that was banished and for you to remove yourselves from my presence.

In order to pass the time between pondering the different mysteries of the universe (of which I have now solved all of them (but that's a different story)), I decided to get a job. What better job is there than molding the young minds of tomorrow that have already failed in reaching my level of greatness? What better person to teach them to try to become more like the me than the me himself? I immediately walked to Harvard University and then into the first classroom I could find. The students had already assembled and I assumed that Harvard had anticipated my arrival and set up the class specifically for me. I walked in and introduced myself to the class as their new professor “Dr. D.A.V.E.” and gave them a recommended reading list that consisted of my personal blog. At this moment an older person with a long, pointed gray beard decided to walk in to my class. Assuming he was just there to bask in my overpowering awesomeness, I continued to teach. He had other plans. This guy has the nerve to walk up to the me and ask me to “take a seat.” He didn't even tell me where he wanted the me to take said chair. Baffled, I collapsed into the nearest desk. He continued to override my authority by introducing himself as “Professor Timon.” The self-proclaimed professor then decided to introduce my class as “Intro to Ethics.” Outraged, I jumped up (that's an overstatement, I really just stood up), yelled “'Intro to Ethics' is not the name of my class!” and left the room intending to speak to the authorities.

And that brings us to right now. After being kicked out of my own classroom, I concluded that your banishment should end, and I found a computer to make this post to let you know that D.A.V.E. is indeed back.


Deb said...

I'd say its about dang time.. but it would take you a year to notice that anything was said.

Hence, I will refrain from saying that its about dang time.

Forget I said anything.

Deb said...

I've decided that you only post on this blog to mock me. Yes I said it. You only post once a year to make me think you are coming back, only to yank the rug out from under my feet yet again.. you mock me, you laugh at me, I am an object of scorn for you. You never loved me!

Ok. I'm done now. :-)

I'll probably be back later to draw attention to the fact that your blog is all about me.