Friday, June 19, 2009

My New Name...And a Recipe for Brownies

After reading over this blog and finding that I am a genius in all matters, I have decided (as aforementioned) that I need a better name than "Dave". Here are some of the possibilities I have come up with.

Darwin was of course, the man that came up with the theory of evolution. The theory of evolution is of course, stated simply, that every individual person has at least one cousin who is an actual monkey. This was a very controversial finding, as many people did not want to admit that their cousin, whom they always suspected of being less bright than most, was an actual primate and not merely an extremely ugly person who spent most of his time grooming for fleas. However, the theory of evolution was conclusively proven by certain people and further validated by myself.

As you can see from this picture, Darwin himself is suspected of being one of the primate cousins, most likely distantly related to Charlton Heston(Darwin is the one on the left).

Aristotle was a jolly green giant back in the Grecian era who was best known for his series of boyhood adventure novels centered around his best friend, a dog named Plato. Books in this series include the critically acclaimed History of Animals, Parts of Animals, Movement of Animals, Progression of Animals, and the stunning climax, Generation of Animals. Also well known for his legendary romance novel Problems, which inspired such great writers as Jane Austin and Amanda McKittrick Ros.

However, for all his genius, he had a remarkably hard time spelling his own name, as evidenced by the above photo. Ἀριστοτέλης Aristotle.

See my earlier post My Humble Beginnings

Da Vinci was a mutant whose deformations (shown above) left him emotionally scarred as an adult. Because of this, he was an introvert who spent most of his time painting and writing. These activities brought some closure in his later years, seeing as his extra arms allowed him to sketch amazingly fast. This allowed him to complete extremely detailed drawings of helicopters and various other flying machines as they flew by.

Euler was a famous mathemetician who came up with the famous "Euler's Equation".

eix= cos x + isinx

This equation, proven true both by someone else and me, shows that if you take Euler(shown by e), and stick a funny hat on him(shown in the equation by the ix), then cost for a service x(denoted by cos x) will be increased by the order of isinx, which is an imaginary number whose value was lost sometime in the Dark Ages. Darn barbarians.

The only reason this equation has survived until today is because it was mistaken by the barbarians in question for a delicious recipe for low-fat double chocolate chunk brownies.

Modern scientists are currently working to equate the value of isinx by close examination of the above photo of Euler wearing the funny hat in question. Progress so far is slow due to the scientists being distracted both by his odd expression and his horrendous fashion sense.

The final vote on my new name was a tough but unanimous one. After careful consideration I have realized that the greatness and uniqueness of each of these individuals, added up, is more than any one of them combined. Therefore, to most fully describe my OWN greatness, I have decided that my new name will be:

Darwin Aristotle Vinci Euler

For all of you peons out there who cannot remember the whole thing, or for those who don't want to say the name for fear of mispronunciation, you may call me D.A.V.E. for short. Note however that D.A.V.E. is pronounced Davé as in the word that rhymes with bah-way.

Now I'm going to go try that new recipe for low-fat double chocolate chunk brownies I found.

-Darwin Aristotle Vinci Euler (D.A.V.E.)