Saturday, July 14, 2007

Expert Board Confines Sneak Gum Astromomey Must Footnotes Passion

I is good today. I feels the best I never felt in a long time.

Guess what? Me is smert again. Me eats rats for lunch; they taste like chicken. You may think im dramaterizationizing this, but really, I feels excreuationaliingllylylylylyly wonderingfully.

Dave will tell you why he feels exkscrueationaly-wanderful, todya. uhuhuhuh uh uh uh uh u hu h uh uh u hu hu h uh u hu h uh uh u hu h uh u h uh u hu h uh..kkfdkdf kf dgjk eitfglje. Dave hands make good joke. Good job leftly.

Open head mind sergury feels good. Garderning shears not very percice. Doctor bill costs nothing. Dave can't pay Dave, now can we.

Big spider coming to say hello. Must say toodles.


Tuesday, July 03, 2007


Today, I was surfing the web from my dark closet, and I found this new article.

Man Punches 'Rude' Drive-Thru Clerk

This article offended me deeply. It is not only the fact that the poor person was arrested, but also that he was forced to receive sub-standard service. As a fellow human and male, I understand completely where Williams is coming from. He probably just got off from a bad day at work, and he wanted a quick bite on the way home. He stops at this fast food restaurant, and ends up getting a warrant posted for him.

Personally, I think that Williams should sue this clerk for obstruction of service. I could be your lawyer Mr. Williams. Who better to represent you than the world's smartest man?

Besides, I have been taking an online course to enhance my natural talent, and I am ready for my first case. If you too would like to try to become a lawyer, you can try to follow the tutorial I have been following then go Becoming A Lawyer, but please remember, results may vary. You are not Dave.

Reminds me of this very interesting video.

Republican Punches Democratic Colleague

Let me conclude my post with a warning to the world; I have high standards for politeness during fast food delivery. If I hear of any more "rude" clerks not giving the due respect for the customer, I will follow in the footsteps of Mr. Williams and thoroughly assault you with a skillet.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Coming Out Of The Closet....I NEED HELP!!!

Today I am responding to a comment posted by Deb that her faith in my "absolute infallibility" is wavering. You notice I am NOT responding to another comment by "the doubter". I'm willing to have civil and open discourse, but you must not bring facts of any kind into the discussion. The only evidence accepted is what I say/have said.

The comment from Deb was...

"Yes that is very fast. I find my faith in your absolute infallibility starting to waiver around the edges..........

Just a tiny bit, that is.

Hardly noticeable at all.


Hey! What's that over -------->> there????"

It is not my "absolute infallibility" that is wavering, but it my ability to deal with you peons and your incessant whining. I mean, why should I DAVE THE GREAT, need to explain myself to you??!? IT'S NOT LIKE I NEED YOU!!!! YOU'RE JUST A BUNCH OF RAVING LUNATICS!!!!!! I'M THE SANE ONE HERE...ME, ME, ME, ME, ME...............................................................


Alright, you win....I admit it, I lied, I'm a.....fake. Alright, I'll come out of the closet now, I'll explain everything. I've been trapped inside this dark place for months on end, I'm not sure who to talk to. I've tried a few things, but none of them seem to work. The only outlet I have is this stupid blog, and now my audience is losing faith in me as well. The darkness is threatening to take over. There just doesn't seem to be anyone here like me, just a few dead moths and a mouse. The mouse was my friend at first but then I found out he was stealing my food. The betrayal was too much for me, and I crushed him. I held a nice funeral for him, and cried over the body for weeks. There was no place to bury him, so I stuck him in an empty ration box. Even in death he spited me with his foul stench for weeks afterward. Nobody loves me, everybody hates me....nobody loves me, everybody hates loves me, everybody hates me.....

I come now to the point of this tirade...I now find it necessary to come out of the closet once and for all. I have run out of rations, my ex-mouse friend is rotting, and the moths are long gone, eaten by spiders. I come now to the point of no return, I must come out of the closet, I must, or I will die. I will chronicle the process for posterity's sake.

I am standing up. Oh no!!!!

Ok, false alarm it was only some old coat hangers. Even they hate me, the retch that I am.

I am reaching for the doorknob.

I am opening the hands are no longer what they used to be. Their muscles no longer ripple with strength. I am finding it hard to turn the doorknob.

I can't seem to open the door....I can't open it! What's happening, it wasn't locked when I entered many sleepless moons ago. I'm panicking....what can I do...

GET ME OUT OF HERE!!! I am attempting to use my internet connection to contact local emergency personal. Till then I am trapped. I implore anyone who reads this blog to help me! Deb, HELP ME!! Even the critic is welcome now!! Do you know anything about doorknobs?????! I need help!! Please help!!!

Sunday, June 03, 2007

Cannibals Vegetarian Natives

Hi Fans,
I know you all missed me mucho much, and I have to say that I don't really care one bit, but I should offer you an explanation I suppose. First, let me say that my commitment to post a lot more in the future will be renewed eventually once I calm down from my recent experiences that I am about to unfold.

April 20th, 2007

I spontaneously decided to go skydiving in Antarctica to enjoy the beauty of the continent which is soon to be mine. I parachuted out of my self-assembled F-314 jet fighter under blue skies, not anticipating the trouble coming seconds later. I commenced the execution of plan Can-Not-Possibly-Fail by performing a perfect ejection out of my plane only to find that I had forgotten one minor detail: my parachute. I immediately grabbed hold of the plane, and traveling at speeds greater than Mach 5, and attempted to regain access to the cockpit. Unfortunately my huge great muscles could not withstand the 1000000000000000000000000 pounds per square inch of force that was being exerted on them, and I was forced to let go. I plummeted down 10000 feet to the freezing water that soon to be my personal cryogenics laboratory.

May 5, 2007

Even while frozen inside a block of ice, my amazing brain did not fail to come up with a plan of escape. I emitted a high pitched frequency to attract attention from a passing ship, but unfortunately I only attracted the attention of a fusion of bats(I'm so amazing I know a bunch of bats together isn't called a flock, it's a "fusion"), which promptly nestled down to continue their hibernation. Though to the layman, this may seem a mistake, I knew this was just a minor setback. I knew there was a nature documentary team from Discovery channel in the area, and this unusual animal behavior would surely attract their attention. I was obviously right, and was rescued the next day (who would doubt it?).

May 15, 2007

After 10 days, the Discovery team finished up their documentary and started home. Their path took them past my secret base of operations for the invasion of Antarctica, so I decided to "jump ship" (actually it was more of a belly-flop). My friends offered to pick me to turn around and pick me up, but I turned them down, telling them with my amazing muscles, I could just swim from there.

May 16, 2007

How was I supposed to know this stupid island was over-run by a herd of cannibals!?!?

May 23, 2007

I actually did know that this island was a cannibal island. It wasn't my base of operations at all, I just wanted you to think that. Actually, I went there to deal with the infestation of cannibals that had arisen. Anyway, they are taken care of.
At first they hailed me as King and gave me a nice hot bath. They added a little to much salt to the water for my liking, as well as some vegetables, meats and spices, but I attributed that to my culture shock. It was only when they wanted to bring the water to a rolling boil and add the flavor of my blood to the water that I had to object. Luckily, I had brushed up on their language, Kazakastanian, right before I had left. Who would have known that in their dialect of Kazakastanian the word "Dish of the Day" sounded a lot like the word for "King" in my dialect. I promptly pulled out my self-assembled AK-48 and blew them away. Or I would have if the gun hadn't jammed. I had to deal with them using my great will-power alone.

May 29, 2007

Let's just say that the island of Kazakastan is now home to a purely vegetarian society.

May 30, 2007

I decided to wait until evolution granted me the ability to fly, and then ride home on a nice gust of warm air.

June 1, 2007

I decided to travel home by Plan B: swim. Luckily I was only 5000 miles away from my home. I decided to make the journey home fun by attempting to beat my previous time record for this distance, swimming butterfly. I arrived home, ate a refreshing meal, realized I had forgotten my laptop, swam back, got my laptop, and swam home again all in a record-breaking twelve hours. I decided to take a short nap.

June 3, 2007(Today)

After sleeping for two days straight, I awoke, took a shower, and decided to update my blog. Maybe someday I'll write a book detailing my journeys.

So you see, I actually haven't been ignoring you all this time, it's just the only internet access on Kazakastan was dial-up(those poor cannibals
vegetarian natives), and you know how I hate dial-up.

Hopefully next time I visit them I can bring DSL along with me so I can keep ya'll updated. And hopefully I'll be able to keep this blog updated, barring any unforeseen circumstances.

Monday, April 09, 2007

Like Sheep To the Slaughter

Today, while looking in the mirror and admiring myself, I realized that everyone else in the world matters not.

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

American Idol, American Shmidol

You know, I think American Idol is pretty dumb. I mean, it's bad enough to worship stupid little idols of gods without practically drooling over some people who God gave a nice voice. And those judges, I mean, puuh-lease, do you really think they have any freedom over what they say; NO!! It's all scripted out. Randy is the nice dude who tells it like it is, the girl(can't remember her name) is the nice one who never wants to hurt anyone, and Simon is the mean man. I mean, he would say the Beatles lacked oomph and were just plain horrible if they got up in front of him. And then the narrator dude, I hate the way they try to draw out the suspense when they're kicking someone out. (They need half an hour of show to air, so that's the way they fill it.)

The narrator dude with the nice little goatee* says: "And you are.......not.......going home, you are safe!!!"

Ooh you had me there.

He should say: "And you are not surely ever not not going home."

And then make them figure it out. And if they get it wrong, they have to go home.

Besides, should I ever go on there, I think we all know who would win. Simon would loose his job cause he would have to complement me evertime I sang, and that's not what's in his contract.

*He has to trim his facial hair that way, it's in his contract.

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

What Are You Talking About

So some have accused me of not posting as often as need be, and I profusely deny that. I am Dave, need I say any more??

But I mean, is it really necessary to pour out myself into this scrap of 0's and 1's. Eventually, Google will be sued and lose, will be sold, and then who knows if they won't erase all blog entries of everyone who won't pay them some money.

After all, eventually, the world will end, and the earth will boil away into a deep nothing. What then?

Just a thought.

Dave the Great

Saturday, February 24, 2007

I Single Handedly Saved Halo III

So, today, while working on Halo III, I noticed that there was a glitch in the game, well, I told Joe to fix it. He said he couldn't cause it wasn't a glitch. I told him it was. He told me he would fix it. I later found the same glitch and told him to fix it again. He said no. I threatened him with a dock in pay. He told me I don't have that kind of authority. I told him I was Dave. It didn't seem to impress him.

I thought about it today, and I realized that I'm going to have to start a public relations thingy with the public. Apparently a lot of you see me as a megalomaniac. Anyone care to be my public relations advisor?
-Dave The Great

BTW: I found Joe's blog( Apparently he doesn't like me. That will be remedied shortly.

Thursday, February 08, 2007

I Got A Job

I enlisted in the air-force today, but I sort of beat up my commanding officer with my aforementioned strong hand muscles and for some reason they didn't like that. I got fired.

I decided I wanted to work for Microsoft. I decided that head CEO would be the best job for me and my brain, but then figured out it was already taken. I decided I didn't care, but unfortunately, the security guards did.

I decided I wanted to be the chief project manager for Halo 3 so I went up to the front desk and asked. They told me I couldn't. I got mad. However, the following day, the "former" chief manager mysteriously showed up bound and gagged in the back of my closet, so I decided to impersonate him as a personal favor until he got better.

Today was my first day on the job. I wrote a line of code that wouldn't compile and yelled at a lot of people. I couldn't quite figure out why the code didn't work.
I tried a few variations among them was.


"Make an explosion."

"Make an explosion, please."

"Marry had a little lamb."

Oh well.

I have some stupid guy named Joe on my team. He's a lowly programmer and model artist. He was really depressed, so I yelled at him for a while to cheer him up.

-Dave The New Head Chief Of Halo III

Sunday, February 04, 2007

"Levi Who??" And "Inferior Beings"

You may have noticed that the last post was signed by a certain Levi. Who is this?? I'm not sure. Apparently he hacked into my account. A certain person said that the great Dave would not let his account be hacked into. Well, if you noticed, this is not my blog service, it's Google's. Their fault.

I'm sorry for the confusion.

And one other thing. Where is Huntsville????????

Also, I was looking back over my posts, and I realized that I have become way to tolerant with you people. I believe my first post pretty much said it all, so I'm going to repost it.

Hello Inferior Beings, this is Dave Thompson, a.k.a Dave the Superior. This is the place for me to vent my feelings of rage at the rest of the insignificant population of this world.

Just yesterday, I was sitting around feeling better than everyone else, and my "friends"(so they call themselves) were wishing they were more like me, when I looked in the mirror and realized why I was so great. I'm going to put a picture up here to show you, but I'll have to blur it up so you won't go blind from the dazzling beauty.

My Greatness

Well, I could go on typing all day, due to my massive hand muscle strength, but I'm tired of sharing the workings of my enormous brain with you peons.

Friday, January 26, 2007

While We're Waiting

While we're waiting for our ships and planes to get done and the laser to be assembled, normal blog programming will resume.

So today, I decided I should probably get a job. You know be as incognito as possible while waiting to invade Antarctica.
So I applied to a few jobs. My talents are listed below.

1. Computer Programmer
I have been messing around with computers for years now, and I can make them preform any task by yelling at them(the better ones don't require me to raise my voice). This includes creating game engines with real time ray-tracing, models used in scientific experiments(IE, modeling explosions, collisions, fluid dynamics etc.)

2. Air-force Pilot
While I can't fly planes, I can look really cool in those masks they wear. I think this qualifies me.

3. Counselor
I'll make you feel better about yourself by showing you how you could never compare to me. No one could, so why feel depressed about it.

4. King
Any country wishing me to be their ruler, please send me your resume at my email address listed on my profile.

5. Anything
While I may not have that much experience in a job, I am Dave. Enough said.


Monday, January 22, 2007

Attack Plan

Ok. Here is the attack plan. The illustrations are below. Keep in mind though, that this came in a flash of inspiration, so it's a rough draft.

Note: In the illustrations, steps 3 and 4 should be swapped(4 should be step 3, 3 should be 4. Since I got this in a flash of inspiration, I wrote those wrong)

Step 1: Build and Deploy ships and planes.
As Antarctica is an island nation, we must use ships and planes. This will be a mostly hostile surprise attack, so we won't need many people. We just go in and take. We will need supplies to build the ships and planes. With my brain, I have secured these supplies and the ships and planes will be done in roughly a week. They will be deployed shortly there-after.

Step 2: Attack
Ok, as you can see below, we must take out the governmental buildings. As this is Antarctica, this is pretty easy. We then land and go on to the next step.

Step 3: Declare Davetopia as a sovereign nation.
Flag designs will be decided by a contest. The best design will win. The winner will get the satisfaction of knowing his design will be on Davetopia's flag.

Step 4: Melt the Ice(David Massie this is where you come in)
I love cold, but not that cold. I mean, so cold it doesn't snow. I mean, we need some way to melt that ice. Then we can have snow. Yay! So David, I need you to get me the materials I need to build this mirror or laser(whichever is easier). I also need to know the most efficient point to focus the light on. I also need you to convince your colleges that I am the rightful government of Antarctica. This is a big job. I'm counting on you. You have the title of Vice Tyrant.

Click the picture to enlarge in a new window.

P.S. I have gotten no emails to the email address I posted. I wonder if it's broken.

Saturday, January 20, 2007


Sorry, It's taken longer than expected to get a pardon from Canada and draw up my battle plans. I will have them soon.

Stay With Me

Friday, January 19, 2007

I'm Sorry, But Here's My Excuse

Just D rightly accused me of posting too few posts on here. However I do have an excuse.

You see, in my last post, I said that a decisive move against Canada would be taken on the 12th of January. Well, it was. I can't say where I am exactly, but let me just say that the enemies holding cell is not very comfy. THEY HAVE DIAL-UP FOR PETE'S SAKE!!!!

However, I have agreed to be released under the condition that I don't' try to attack again, so I should be out of here in a few days. I will try to post everyday, or at least every other day from now on. I am sorry loyal fans.

Now I have to go plan my attack on Antarctica, so please excuse me while I draw out my battle plans. Tomorrow I'll scan them in and show them to all of ya'll. I know you can't wait.

Stay Sharp Antarciticanese, I'm coming for YOU!

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

I'm Back

I've been really sick and then I was very busy, and then I was even more busy, so I apologize for the absence.

Christmas was nice, so was New Years, I won't tell you much about them.

I have been assigned to a top secret mission by a top secret organization that we shall just say has to do with my previous post on Canada. I hope that this will not interfere with my postings.

Anyone in Canada should expect a brief power outage around midnight, January 12th. This will include your cable and DSL lines, although I'm not sure you have such things up there. See you soon(can't say why though). I'll update you on my progress as soon as I can.

P.S. I have put up the links section to my fans blogs/sites. If you would like me to put your link there, comment and tell me.