Sunday, June 03, 2007

Cannibals Vegetarian Natives

Hi Fans,
I know you all missed me mucho much, and I have to say that I don't really care one bit, but I should offer you an explanation I suppose. First, let me say that my commitment to post a lot more in the future will be renewed eventually once I calm down from my recent experiences that I am about to unfold.


April 20th, 2007

I spontaneously decided to go skydiving in Antarctica to enjoy the beauty of the continent which is soon to be mine. I parachuted out of my self-assembled F-314 jet fighter under blue skies, not anticipating the trouble coming seconds later. I commenced the execution of plan Can-Not-Possibly-Fail by performing a perfect ejection out of my plane only to find that I had forgotten one minor detail: my parachute. I immediately grabbed hold of the plane, and traveling at speeds greater than Mach 5, and attempted to regain access to the cockpit. Unfortunately my huge great muscles could not withstand the 1000000000000000000000000 pounds per square inch of force that was being exerted on them, and I was forced to let go. I plummeted down 10000 feet to the freezing water that soon to be my personal cryogenics laboratory.


May 5, 2007

Even while frozen inside a block of ice, my amazing brain did not fail to come up with a plan of escape. I emitted a high pitched frequency to attract attention from a passing ship, but unfortunately I only attracted the attention of a fusion of bats(I'm so amazing I know a bunch of bats together isn't called a flock, it's a "fusion"), which promptly nestled down to continue their hibernation. Though to the layman, this may seem a mistake, I knew this was just a minor setback. I knew there was a nature documentary team from Discovery channel in the area, and this unusual animal behavior would surely attract their attention. I was obviously right, and was rescued the next day (who would doubt it?).


May 15, 2007

After 10 days, the Discovery team finished up their documentary and started home. Their path took them past my secret base of operations for the invasion of Antarctica, so I decided to "jump ship" (actually it was more of a belly-flop). My friends offered to pick me to turn around and pick me up, but I turned them down, telling them with my amazing muscles, I could just swim from there.

May 16, 2007

How was I supposed to know this stupid island was over-run by a herd of cannibals!?!?


May 23, 2007

I actually did know that this island was a cannibal island. It wasn't my base of operations at all, I just wanted you to think that. Actually, I went there to deal with the infestation of cannibals that had arisen. Anyway, they are taken care of.
At first they hailed me as King and gave me a nice hot bath. They added a little to much salt to the water for my liking, as well as some vegetables, meats and spices, but I attributed that to my culture shock. It was only when they wanted to bring the water to a rolling boil and add the flavor of my blood to the water that I had to object. Luckily, I had brushed up on their language, Kazakastanian, right before I had left. Who would have known that in their dialect of Kazakastanian the word "Dish of the Day" sounded a lot like the word for "King" in my dialect. I promptly pulled out my self-assembled AK-48 and blew them away. Or I would have if the gun hadn't jammed. I had to deal with them using my great will-power alone.

May 29, 2007

Let's just say that the island of Kazakastan is now home to a purely vegetarian society.


May 30, 2007

I decided to wait until evolution granted me the ability to fly, and then ride home on a nice gust of warm air.


June 1, 2007

I decided to travel home by Plan B: swim. Luckily I was only 5000 miles away from my home. I decided to make the journey home fun by attempting to beat my previous time record for this distance, swimming butterfly. I arrived home, ate a refreshing meal, realized I had forgotten my laptop, swam back, got my laptop, and swam home again all in a record-breaking twelve hours. I decided to take a short nap.


June 3, 2007(Today)

After sleeping for two days straight, I awoke, took a shower, and decided to update my blog. Maybe someday I'll write a book detailing my journeys.


So you see, I actually haven't been ignoring you all this time, it's just the only internet access on Kazakastan was dial-up(those poor cannibals
vegetarian natives), and you know how I hate dial-up.

Hopefully next time I visit them I can bring DSL along with me so I can keep ya'll updated. And hopefully I'll be able to keep this blog updated, barring any unforeseen circumstances.

2 comments:

the doubter said...

Assuming it took you an hour to eat a refreshing meal and find your laptop, you would have to swim 1363.63636.... miles per hour to reach your home in that time. That's pretty fast.

Deb said...

Yes that is very fast. I find my faith in your absolute infallibility starting to waiver around the edges..........

Just a tiny bit, that is.

Hardly noticeable at all.

Really.

Hey! What's that over -------->> there????