Friday, August 14, 2009

Your Ten Step Guide To Becoming SIMILAR To Me

An anonymous poster who called himself merely "Jason", commented

Dear D.a.v.e.

Hi I'm your biggest fan my name is Jason.I've been wondering. Is there a way I could make myself as cool as you.
eagerly awaiting your reply
P. S. You should open a D.A.V.E. amusement park

In response, I have devised...

"D.A.V.E.'s 10-Step Guide To Becoming SIMILAR To Me"*

Option 1:
The first option for being like me is being born as me. If you are lucky enough to have had this happen, then you don't need this 10-step guide. Please proceed to step 10.

Option 2:
For those of you who were not lucky enough to be born as me, this option is the one for you.

Step 1:
Memorize every word of this blog. Repeat various posts often in social situations. The more people you put down, the more superior you will be.

Step 2:
Brush your teeth twice a day. Make sure you get the molars. And don't forget the flossing and mouth-wash.

Step 3
You must store your computer in your linen closet. This is a very important step. You must follow this one.

Step 4
Change your name to a cool acronym.

Step 5
Devise a cunning plan to conquer Antarctica. Implementation is optional. It's really the planning that counts.

Step 6
Have Leonardo da Vinci, Genghis Khan, and Albert Einstein as ancestors. Be able to prove it with cool conclusive evidence as seen in My Humble Beginnings

Step 7
Switch bodies with me.

Step 8
Switch brains with me.

Step 9
Switch personalities with me.
Note: The order of steps 7, 8, and 9 is very important. Mixing up the order may cause dry mouth, indigestion, death, runny nose, nuclear explosion, diarrhea, upset stomach, the apocalypse, World War III, plagues of locusts, the rapture, the rise of the anti-Christ, hair loss, AND NOT BEING ME. Idiot.

Step 10
Revel in the glory of being me. Tell others of my greatness. Share and enjoy. Mainly enjoy though.

Congratulations, you have now completed my 10-step program and if all went according to plan, you are now as cool as me. I wish you well.

*D.A.V.E.'s 10-Step Guide To Becoming SIMILAR To Me" is merely intended to deceive the blubbering masses into thinking they can be like me for the purpose of further emphasize my greatness in comparison to everyone else.

All rights reserved. No part of this program may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, except as may be expressly permitted by the applicable copyright statutes or in writing by the me.

Copyright© D.A.V.E. 2009
Patents Pending
D.A.V.E.® is a registered trademark of Darwin Aristotle Vinci Euler.

Monday, August 03, 2009

An Interesting Month

July was an interesting month. I went into hibernation. I dreamed dreams about how to solve the crises of the world.

Dream #1:
I am a Huber Fish, swimming around in a small cage that obviously represent the limitations of mankind. All of a sudden, I eat the cage and burp up an ocean.

Interpretation of Dream #1:
I am the answer to all problems.

Dream #2:
I am a magnet, you know the kind that are painted all red on one side and all blue on the other. Everyone is attracted to me.

Interpretation of Dream #2:
Everybody loves the me!

Dream #3:
I am a clown fish, swimming around in a small fish bowl that obviously represents the limitations of humanity. All of a sudden, I shatter the bowl and throw up an ocean.

Interpretation of Dream #3:
I am the solution to all problems.

Dream #4:
I am standing on the top of a tall tree blowing in the wind. In the distance I can see a storm cloud with a huge tornado approaching. My position obviously in indicative of the fragile balance of the world. Suddenly I am the tornado and the tree is snapped like a twig.

Interpretation of Dream #4:
I will be the death of you.

Dream #5:
I am a sword fish, swimming around in a small lake that obviously represents the limitations of people. All of a sudden, I tunnel a hole to the ocean and the waters flow in. Equilibrium is reached between the ocean and the lake, which is now an ocean as well.

Interpretation of Dream #5:
I am thirsty.

At this point I awoke from my deep slumber and got a glass of water. Then I went to the bathroom. I always have liked the month of July.