July was an interesting month. I went into hibernation. I dreamed dreams about how to solve the crises of the world.
Dream #1:
I am a Huber Fish, swimming around in a small cage that obviously represent the limitations of mankind. All of a sudden, I eat the cage and burp up an ocean.
Interpretation of Dream #1:
I am the answer to all problems.
Dream #2:
I am a magnet, you know the kind that are painted all red on one side and all blue on the other. Everyone is attracted to me.
Interpretation of Dream #2:
Everybody loves the me!
Dream #3:
I am a clown fish, swimming around in a small fish bowl that obviously represents the limitations of humanity. All of a sudden, I shatter the bowl and throw up an ocean.
Interpretation of Dream #3:
I am the solution to all problems.
Dream #4:
I am standing on the top of a tall tree blowing in the wind. In the distance I can see a storm cloud with a huge tornado approaching. My position obviously in indicative of the fragile balance of the world. Suddenly I am the tornado and the tree is snapped like a twig.
Interpretation of Dream #4:
I will be the death of you.
Dream #5:
I am a sword fish, swimming around in a small lake that obviously represents the limitations of people. All of a sudden, I tunnel a hole to the ocean and the waters flow in. Equilibrium is reached between the ocean and the lake, which is now an ocean as well.
Interpretation of Dream #5:
I am thirsty.
At this point I awoke from my deep slumber and got a glass of water. Then I went to the bathroom. I always have liked the month of July.
Monday, August 03, 2009
Saturday, July 04, 2009
July 4th
So it's July 4th again. July 4th is one of my favorite days. The fireworks, the food. All in celebration of the fact that there are only 10,022,400 quarter seconds till my birthday! For anyone wanting to know what I want, I am in the process of authoring an extensive book on the subject and will publish the pertaining portions as soon as they are finished.
Also, I have yet to see anybody give reactions to my last post. My anger level is rising.
-D.A.V.E.
Also, I have yet to see anybody give reactions to my last post. My anger level is rising.
-D.A.V.E.
Friday, July 03, 2009
Reactions, Responses, Etc
I see that not many of my millions of readers are responding to my posts with comments. I realize this could be because you are scared of appearing stupid. But be that as it may, not everybody (or actually, nobody) can be as great as I am. Just do your best. I'll try to be nice.
But as a way to encourage responses, I have added a "Reactions" area below each post for quick, anonymous, feedback. You can rank my posts as "Great", "Greater", or "Greatest". Or, if you feel it's an exceptionally great post you can mark all of the above. I suggest this for all posts, but it's really up to you.
Also, I have a "Followers" area to the right of my blog. It's a quick easy way for your name or blog to be associated with me, so get to it.
So now that I've given you peons an easy way to react to my greatness, I suggest you use it.
Now react.
-D.A.V.E.
But as a way to encourage responses, I have added a "Reactions" area below each post for quick, anonymous, feedback. You can rank my posts as "Great", "Greater", or "Greatest". Or, if you feel it's an exceptionally great post you can mark all of the above. I suggest this for all posts, but it's really up to you.
Also, I have a "Followers" area to the right of my blog. It's a quick easy way for your name or blog to be associated with me, so get to it.
So now that I've given you peons an easy way to react to my greatness, I suggest you use it.
Now react.
-D.A.V.E.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Brallamese: Do They Exist?
Despite Deb's incapacity to give me a context for Brallama, I will tell you peons what Brallama means. As it has multiple definitions, I will give you the most well known.
Bra-llam-a \brə-'lä-mä\ n 1 : A mid-ranking priest in the Zoroastrian religion.
The reason you did not find this on Google is because Brallama is the sacred spelling of the word only known to very few. Not sure how you found it.
I will end this post with a little competition: The first person to find the common spelling of Brallama will get the knowledge that you are not quite as smart as me. That special person will also received a digitally autographed photo of me.
BTW: The language you called "gibberish" is my second language, D.A.V.E.idian. So I take offense to that statement.
Bra-llam-a \brə-'lä-mä\ n 1 : A mid-ranking priest in the Zoroastrian religion.
The reason you did not find this on Google is because Brallama is the sacred spelling of the word only known to very few. Not sure how you found it.
I will end this post with a little competition: The first person to find the common spelling of Brallama will get the knowledge that you are not quite as smart as me. That special person will also received a digitally autographed photo of me.
BTW: The language you called "gibberish" is my second language, D.A.V.E.idian. So I take offense to that statement.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Word Verification: Brallama
Dear Deb,
You say in your post dated June 22nd 8:04 PM:
Although I already know the meanings of this word, it would be nice if you could give me a context in which it would be used. I would not like to give you the wrong definition, as this word has multiple definitions. Sort of like how "fluke" can mean either:
1) A stroke of luck.
2) A fish or flatworm.
3) The fins on a whale's tail.
4) The end parts of an anchor.
5) The part of an envelope you bend over and seal.
Thank you for your cooperation.
In other news, I found my leiopelmatidae. He was hiding on my map of the world just over New Zealand.
-D.A.V.E.
You say in your post dated June 22nd 8:04 PM:
Word verification: brallama
I know that has to mean something.
Although I already know the meanings of this word, it would be nice if you could give me a context in which it would be used. I would not like to give you the wrong definition, as this word has multiple definitions. Sort of like how "fluke" can mean either:
1) A stroke of luck.
2) A fish or flatworm.
3) The fins on a whale's tail.
4) The end parts of an anchor.
5) The part of an envelope you bend over and seal.
Thank you for your cooperation.
In other news, I found my leiopelmatidae. He was hiding on my map of the world just over New Zealand.
-D.A.V.E.
Monday, June 22, 2009
In Which I Catch a Myxinoidea, Lose a Leiopelmatidae, and Learn Pahsto
I caught a Myxinoidea today. It was swimming around in my sink.
My pet leiopelmatidae hopped away though. I called him with my special leiopelmatidae call but he didn't answer.
In other news, my study of Pashto is coming along well.
دخداى په امان
-D.A.V.E.
My pet leiopelmatidae hopped away though. I called him with my special leiopelmatidae call but he didn't answer.
In other news, my study of Pashto is coming along well.
دخداى په امان
-D.A.V.E.
Friday, June 19, 2009
My New Name...And a Recipe for Brownies
After reading over this blog and finding that I am a genius in all matters, I have decided (as aforementioned) that I need a better name than "Dave". Here are some of the possibilities I have come up with.
Darwin:
Darwin was of course, the man that came up with the theory of evolution. The theory of evolution is of course, stated simply, that every individual person has at least one cousin who is an actual monkey. This was a very controversial finding, as many people did not want to admit that their cousin, whom they always suspected of being less bright than most, was an actual primate and not merely an extremely ugly person who spent most of his time grooming for fleas. However, the theory of evolution was conclusively proven by certain people and further validated by myself.
As you can see from this picture, Darwin himself is suspected of being one of the primate cousins, most likely distantly related to Charlton Heston(Darwin is the one on the left).
Aristotle
Aristotle was a jolly green giant back in the Grecian era who was best known for his series of boyhood adventure novels centered around his best friend, a dog named Plato. Books in this series include the critically acclaimed History of Animals, Parts of Animals, Movement of Animals, Progression of Animals, and the stunning climax, Generation of Animals. Also well known for his legendary romance novel Problems, which inspired such great writers as Jane Austin and Amanda McKittrick Ros.
However, for all his genius, he had a remarkably hard time spelling his own name, as evidenced by the above photo. Ἀριστοτέλης ≠ Aristotle.
Vinci
See my earlier post My Humble Beginnings
Da Vinci was a mutant whose deformations (shown above) left him emotionally scarred as an adult. Because of this, he was an introvert who spent most of his time painting and writing. These activities brought some closure in his later years, seeing as his extra arms allowed him to sketch amazingly fast. This allowed him to complete extremely detailed drawings of helicopters and various other flying machines as they flew by.
Euler
Euler was a famous mathemetician who came up with the famous "Euler's Equation".
eix= cos x + isinx
This equation, proven true both by someone else and me, shows that if you take Euler(shown by e), and stick a funny hat on him(shown in the equation by the ix), then cost for a service x(denoted by cos x) will be increased by the order of isinx, which is an imaginary number whose value was lost sometime in the Dark Ages. Darn barbarians.
The only reason this equation has survived until today is because it was mistaken by the barbarians in question for a delicious recipe for low-fat double chocolate chunk brownies.
Modern scientists are currently working to equate the value of isinx by close examination of the above photo of Euler wearing the funny hat in question. Progress so far is slow due to the scientists being distracted both by his odd expression and his horrendous fashion sense.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The final vote on my new name was a tough but unanimous one. After careful consideration I have realized that the greatness and uniqueness of each of these individuals, added up, is more than any one of them combined. Therefore, to most fully describe my OWN greatness, I have decided that my new name will be:
Darwin Aristotle Vinci Euler
For all of you peons out there who cannot remember the whole thing, or for those who don't want to say the name for fear of mispronunciation, you may call me D.A.V.E. for short. Note however that D.A.V.E. is pronounced Davé as in the word that rhymes with bah-way.
Now I'm going to go try that new recipe for low-fat double chocolate chunk brownies I found.
-Darwin Aristotle Vinci Euler (D.A.V.E.)
Darwin:
Darwin was of course, the man that came up with the theory of evolution. The theory of evolution is of course, stated simply, that every individual person has at least one cousin who is an actual monkey. This was a very controversial finding, as many people did not want to admit that their cousin, whom they always suspected of being less bright than most, was an actual primate and not merely an extremely ugly person who spent most of his time grooming for fleas. However, the theory of evolution was conclusively proven by certain people and further validated by myself.
As you can see from this picture, Darwin himself is suspected of being one of the primate cousins, most likely distantly related to Charlton Heston(Darwin is the one on the left).
Aristotle
Aristotle was a jolly green giant back in the Grecian era who was best known for his series of boyhood adventure novels centered around his best friend, a dog named Plato. Books in this series include the critically acclaimed History of Animals, Parts of Animals, Movement of Animals, Progression of Animals, and the stunning climax, Generation of Animals. Also well known for his legendary romance novel Problems, which inspired such great writers as Jane Austin and Amanda McKittrick Ros.
However, for all his genius, he had a remarkably hard time spelling his own name, as evidenced by the above photo. Ἀριστοτέλης ≠ Aristotle.
Vinci
See my earlier post My Humble Beginnings
Da Vinci was a mutant whose deformations (shown above) left him emotionally scarred as an adult. Because of this, he was an introvert who spent most of his time painting and writing. These activities brought some closure in his later years, seeing as his extra arms allowed him to sketch amazingly fast. This allowed him to complete extremely detailed drawings of helicopters and various other flying machines as they flew by.
Euler
Euler was a famous mathemetician who came up with the famous "Euler's Equation".
eix= cos x + isinx
This equation, proven true both by someone else and me, shows that if you take Euler(shown by e), and stick a funny hat on him(shown in the equation by the ix), then cost for a service x(denoted by cos x) will be increased by the order of isinx, which is an imaginary number whose value was lost sometime in the Dark Ages. Darn barbarians.
The only reason this equation has survived until today is because it was mistaken by the barbarians in question for a delicious recipe for low-fat double chocolate chunk brownies.
Modern scientists are currently working to equate the value of isinx by close examination of the above photo of Euler wearing the funny hat in question. Progress so far is slow due to the scientists being distracted both by his odd expression and his horrendous fashion sense.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The final vote on my new name was a tough but unanimous one. After careful consideration I have realized that the greatness and uniqueness of each of these individuals, added up, is more than any one of them combined. Therefore, to most fully describe my OWN greatness, I have decided that my new name will be:
Darwin Aristotle Vinci Euler
For all of you peons out there who cannot remember the whole thing, or for those who don't want to say the name for fear of mispronunciation, you may call me D.A.V.E. for short. Note however that D.A.V.E. is pronounced Davé as in the word that rhymes with bah-way.
Now I'm going to go try that new recipe for low-fat double chocolate chunk brownies I found.
-Darwin Aristotle Vinci Euler (D.A.V.E.)
Thursday, June 18, 2009
This Title Has Been Changed
Big spider give me lots of good foooood. But not very interessetering converser. So I crush hime with big boot. Ewwy. Boiled spider pretty tastety.
Bigd mouseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeAAAAAGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!.....................................................................................
Hello? I found this computer inside what I assume to be my house(I say this with utmost confidence seeing as I knew where the spare key was hidden). This post was just sitting here, so I decided to better it with my greatness. The last draft was autosaved July 14th, 2007 at 23:42 hours. The stupid "blogger.com" had booted me out claiming something about my "session being timed out", so I logged back in(I'm also assuming this is my blog as I knew the password).
I can't quite remember who I am. However, reading back over this blog, I DO know that I MUST be Dave as I am the only person I know who could be this great. This blog is pure brilliance! Except for that last post. Someone else must have done that one. I mean...the deduction about those jelly donuts...pure genius. Except for my name. I hate the name Dave. I'm working on what my new name will be. I'll let you know when I figure it out.
Also, I know that when I woke up this morning, pre-dawn, I was lying naked in the fetal position on my lawn(or what I assume to be my lawn, given the evidence[look at that genius!]) with a bright light hovering a few hundred feet above the ground. My first thought was, "Hello, I am great!". My second was, "You are nothing more than a hovering ball of light, I will not trouble myself with speaking to you." My third thought was, "Who am I?", and the fourth, "Who cares? As long as I'm me."
I preceded to prove the Hodge conjecture, while the ball of light twisted itself into space-time. Good riddance. I lay there for a few hours, just to get acquainted with the world again, then got up and let myself into my(assumed) house.
On the way in, I passed a small mirror on the wall. My attention was stolen for another few hours contemplating my stark stunning handsomeness. After apprehending the thief and returning my attention to the rightful owner(myself), I noticed a large pile of mail on my, mainly consisting of subpoenas from the local police department. But being great and, at the moment, unsure if this was even my house, I used to fuel the fire to make some tea, adding just a little to my grotesque carbon footprint.
I eventually decided to get dressed, in order to grace the world with my sense of fashion, and that was about the time I noticed the computer. It was sitting in the closet, of all places. As aforementioned I decided to improve this posting with my greatness. Mission accomplished. I'll read over the rest of this blog and let you know when I know more about who I am and what my new name will be.
-??
Bigd mouseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeAAAAAGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!.....................................................................................
Hello? I found this computer inside what I assume to be my house(I say this with utmost confidence seeing as I knew where the spare key was hidden). This post was just sitting here, so I decided to better it with my greatness. The last draft was autosaved July 14th, 2007 at 23:42 hours. The stupid "blogger.com" had booted me out claiming something about my "session being timed out", so I logged back in(I'm also assuming this is my blog as I knew the password).
I can't quite remember who I am. However, reading back over this blog, I DO know that I MUST be Dave as I am the only person I know who could be this great. This blog is pure brilliance! Except for that last post. Someone else must have done that one. I mean...the deduction about those jelly donuts...pure genius. Except for my name. I hate the name Dave. I'm working on what my new name will be. I'll let you know when I figure it out.
Also, I know that when I woke up this morning, pre-dawn, I was lying naked in the fetal position on my lawn(or what I assume to be my lawn, given the evidence[look at that genius!]) with a bright light hovering a few hundred feet above the ground. My first thought was, "Hello, I am great!". My second was, "You are nothing more than a hovering ball of light, I will not trouble myself with speaking to you." My third thought was, "Who am I?", and the fourth, "Who cares? As long as I'm me."
I preceded to prove the Hodge conjecture, while the ball of light twisted itself into space-time. Good riddance. I lay there for a few hours, just to get acquainted with the world again, then got up and let myself into my(assumed) house.
On the way in, I passed a small mirror on the wall. My attention was stolen for another few hours contemplating my stark stunning handsomeness. After apprehending the thief and returning my attention to the rightful owner(myself), I noticed a large pile of mail on my, mainly consisting of subpoenas from the local police department. But being great and, at the moment, unsure if this was even my house, I used to fuel the fire to make some tea, adding just a little to my grotesque carbon footprint.
I eventually decided to get dressed, in order to grace the world with my sense of fashion, and that was about the time I noticed the computer. It was sitting in the closet, of all places. As aforementioned I decided to improve this posting with my greatness. Mission accomplished. I'll read over the rest of this blog and let you know when I know more about who I am and what my new name will be.
-??
Saturday, July 14, 2007
Expert Board Confines Sneak Gum Astromomey Must Footnotes Passion
I is good today. I feels the best I never felt in a long time.
Guess what? Me is smert again. Me eats rats for lunch; they taste like chicken. You may think im dramaterizationizing this, but really, I feels excreuationaliingllylylylylyly wonderingfully.
Dave will tell you why he feels exkscrueationaly-wanderful, todya. uhuhuhuh uh uh uh uh u hu h uh uh u hu hu h uh u hu h uh uh u hu h uh u h uh u hu h uh..kkfdkdf kf dgjk eitfglje. Dave hands make good joke. Good job leftly.
Open head mind sergury feels good. Garderning shears not very percice. Doctor bill costs nothing. Dave can't pay Dave, now can we.
Big spider coming to say hello. Must say toodles.
Todles.
Guess what? Me is smert again. Me eats rats for lunch; they taste like chicken. You may think im dramaterizationizing this, but really, I feels excreuationaliingllylylylylyly wonderingfully.
Dave will tell you why he feels exkscrueationaly-wanderful, todya. uhuhuhuh uh uh uh uh u hu h uh uh u hu hu h uh u hu h uh uh u hu h uh u h uh u hu h uh..kkfdkdf kf dgjk eitfglje. Dave hands make good joke. Good job leftly.
Open head mind sergury feels good. Garderning shears not very percice. Doctor bill costs nothing. Dave can't pay Dave, now can we.
Big spider coming to say hello. Must say toodles.
Todles.
Tuesday, July 03, 2007
Outrageous
Today, I was surfing the web from my dark closet, and I found this new article.
Man Punches 'Rude' Drive-Thru Clerk
This article offended me deeply. It is not only the fact that the poor person was arrested, but also that he was forced to receive sub-standard service. As a fellow human and male, I understand completely where Williams is coming from. He probably just got off from a bad day at work, and he wanted a quick bite on the way home. He stops at this fast food restaurant, and ends up getting a warrant posted for him.
Personally, I think that Williams should sue this clerk for obstruction of service. I could be your lawyer Mr. Williams. Who better to represent you than the world's smartest man?
Besides, I have been taking an online course to enhance my natural talent, and I am ready for my first case. If you too would like to try to become a lawyer, you can try to follow the tutorial I have been following then go Becoming A Lawyer, but please remember, results may vary. You are not Dave.
Reminds me of this very interesting video.
Republican Punches Democratic Colleague
Let me conclude my post with a warning to the world; I have high standards for politeness during fast food delivery. If I hear of any more "rude" clerks not giving the due respect for the customer, I will follow in the footsteps of Mr. Williams and thoroughly assault you with a skillet.
Man Punches 'Rude' Drive-Thru Clerk
This article offended me deeply. It is not only the fact that the poor person was arrested, but also that he was forced to receive sub-standard service. As a fellow human and male, I understand completely where Williams is coming from. He probably just got off from a bad day at work, and he wanted a quick bite on the way home. He stops at this fast food restaurant, and ends up getting a warrant posted for him.
Personally, I think that Williams should sue this clerk for obstruction of service. I could be your lawyer Mr. Williams. Who better to represent you than the world's smartest man?
Besides, I have been taking an online course to enhance my natural talent, and I am ready for my first case. If you too would like to try to become a lawyer, you can try to follow the tutorial I have been following then go Becoming A Lawyer, but please remember, results may vary. You are not Dave.
Reminds me of this very interesting video.
Republican Punches Democratic Colleague
Let me conclude my post with a warning to the world; I have high standards for politeness during fast food delivery. If I hear of any more "rude" clerks not giving the due respect for the customer, I will follow in the footsteps of Mr. Williams and thoroughly assault you with a skillet.
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Coming Out Of The Closet....I NEED HELP!!!
Today I am responding to a comment posted by Deb that her faith in my "absolute infallibility" is wavering. You notice I am NOT responding to another comment by "the doubter". I'm willing to have civil and open discourse, but you must not bring facts of any kind into the discussion. The only evidence accepted is what I say/have said.
The comment from Deb was...
"Yes that is very fast. I find my faith in your absolute infallibility starting to waiver around the edges..........
Just a tiny bit, that is.
Hardly noticeable at all.
Really.
Hey! What's that over -------->> there????"
It is not my "absolute infallibility" that is wavering, but it my ability to deal with you peons and your incessant whining. I mean, why should I DAVE THE GREAT, need to explain myself to you??!? IT'S NOT LIKE I NEED YOU!!!! YOU'RE JUST A BUNCH OF RAVING LUNATICS!!!!!! I'M THE SANE ONE HERE...ME, ME, ME, ME, ME...............................................................
*sob*
Alright, you win....I admit it, I lied, I'm a.....fake. Alright, I'll come out of the closet now, I'll explain everything. I've been trapped inside this dark place for months on end, I'm not sure who to talk to. I've tried a few things, but none of them seem to work. The only outlet I have is thisstupid blog, and now my audience is losing faith in me as well. The darkness is threatening to take over. There just doesn't seem to be anyone here like me, just a few dead moths and a mouse. The mouse was my friend at first but then I found out he was stealing my food. The betrayal was too much for me, and I crushed him. I held a nice funeral for him, and cried over the body for weeks. There was no place to bury him, so I stuck him in an empty ration box. Even in death he spited me with his foul stench for weeks afterward. Nobody loves me, everybody hates me....nobody loves me, everybody hates me....no-body loves me, everybody hates me.....
I come now to the point of this tirade...I now find it necessary to come out of the closet once and for all. I have run out of rations, my ex-mouse friend is rotting, and the moths are long gone, eaten by spiders. I come now to the point of no return, I must come out of the closet, I must, or I will die. I will chronicle the process for posterity's sake.
I am standing up. Oh no!!!!
Ok, false alarm it was only some old coat hangers. Even they hate me, the retch that I am.
I am reaching for the doorknob.
I am opening the door...my hands are no longer what they used to be. Their muscles no longer ripple with strength. I am finding it hard to turn the doorknob.
I can't seem to open the door....I can't open it! What's happening, it wasn't locked when I entered many sleepless moons ago. I'm panicking....what can I do...
GET ME OUT OF HERE!!! I am attempting to use my internet connection to contact local emergency personal. Till then I am trapped. I implore anyone who reads this blog to help me! Deb, HELP ME!! Even the critic is welcome now!! Do you know anything about doorknobs?????! I need help!! Please help!!!
The comment from Deb was...
"Yes that is very fast. I find my faith in your absolute infallibility starting to waiver around the edges..........
Just a tiny bit, that is.
Hardly noticeable at all.
Really.
Hey! What's that over -------->> there????"
It is not my "absolute infallibility" that is wavering, but it my ability to deal with you peons and your incessant whining. I mean, why should I DAVE THE GREAT, need to explain myself to you??!? IT'S NOT LIKE I NEED YOU!!!! YOU'RE JUST A BUNCH OF RAVING LUNATICS!!!!!! I'M THE SANE ONE HERE...ME, ME, ME, ME, ME...............................................................
*sob*
Alright, you win....I admit it, I lied, I'm a.....fake. Alright, I'll come out of the closet now, I'll explain everything. I've been trapped inside this dark place for months on end, I'm not sure who to talk to. I've tried a few things, but none of them seem to work. The only outlet I have is this
I come now to the point of this tirade...I now find it necessary to come out of the closet once and for all. I have run out of rations, my ex-mouse friend is rotting, and the moths are long gone, eaten by spiders. I come now to the point of no return, I must come out of the closet, I must, or I will die. I will chronicle the process for posterity's sake.
I am standing up. Oh no!!!!
Ok, false alarm it was only some old coat hangers. Even they hate me, the retch that I am.
I am reaching for the doorknob.
I am opening the door...my hands are no longer what they used to be. Their muscles no longer ripple with strength. I am finding it hard to turn the doorknob.
I can't seem to open the door....I can't open it! What's happening, it wasn't locked when I entered many sleepless moons ago. I'm panicking....what can I do...
GET ME OUT OF HERE!!! I am attempting to use my internet connection to contact local emergency personal. Till then I am trapped. I implore anyone who reads this blog to help me! Deb, HELP ME!! Even the critic is welcome now!! Do you know anything about doorknobs?????! I need help!! Please help!!!
Sunday, June 03, 2007
Cannibals Vegetarian Natives
Hi Fans,
I know you all missed me mucho much, and I have to say that I don't really care one bit, but I should offer you an explanation I suppose. First, let me say that my commitment to post a lot more in the future will be renewed eventually once I calm down from my recent experiences that I am about to unfold.
April 20th, 2007
I spontaneously decided to go skydiving in Antarctica to enjoy the beauty of the continent which is soon to be mine. I parachuted out of my self-assembled F-314 jet fighter under blue skies, not anticipating the trouble coming seconds later. I commenced the execution of plan Can-Not-Possibly-Fail by performing a perfect ejection out of my plane only to find that I had forgotten one minor detail: my parachute. I immediately grabbed hold of the plane, and traveling at speeds greater than Mach 5, and attempted to regain access to the cockpit. Unfortunately my huge great muscles could not withstand the 1000000000000000000000000 pounds per square inch of force that was being exerted on them, and I was forced to let go. I plummeted down 10000 feet to the freezing water that soon to be my personal cryogenics laboratory.
May 5, 2007
Even while frozen inside a block of ice, my amazing brain did not fail to come up with a plan of escape. I emitted a high pitched frequency to attract attention from a passing ship, but unfortunately I only attracted the attention of a fusion of bats(I'm so amazing I know a bunch of bats together isn't called a flock, it's a "fusion"), which promptly nestled down to continue their hibernation. Though to the layman, this may seem a mistake, I knew this was just a minor setback. I knew there was a nature documentary team from Discovery channel in the area, and this unusual animal behavior would surely attract their attention. I was obviously right, and was rescued the next day (who would doubt it?).
May 15, 2007
After 10 days, the Discovery team finished up their documentary and started home. Their path took them past my secret base of operations for the invasion of Antarctica, so I decided to "jump ship" (actually it was more of a belly-flop). My friends offered to pick me to turn around and pick me up, but I turned them down, telling them with my amazing muscles, I could just swim from there.
May 16, 2007
How was I supposed to know this stupid island was over-run by a herd of cannibals!?!?
May 23, 2007
I actually did know that this island was a cannibal island. It wasn't my base of operations at all, I just wanted you to think that. Actually, I went there to deal with the infestation of cannibals that had arisen. Anyway, they are taken care of.
At first they hailed me as King and gave me a nice hot bath. They added a little to much salt to the water for my liking, as well as some vegetables, meats and spices, but I attributed that to my culture shock. It was only when they wanted to bring the water to a rolling boil and add the flavor of my blood to the water that I had to object. Luckily, I had brushed up on their language, Kazakastanian, right before I had left. Who would have known that in their dialect of Kazakastanian the word "Dish of the Day" sounded a lot like the word for "King" in my dialect. I promptly pulled out my self-assembled AK-48 and blew them away. Or I would have if the gun hadn't jammed. I had to deal with them using my great will-power alone.
May 29, 2007
Let's just say that the island of Kazakastan is now home to a purely vegetarian society.
May 30, 2007
I decided to wait until evolution granted me the ability to fly, and then ride home on a nice gust of warm air.
June 1, 2007
I decided to travel home by Plan B: swim. Luckily I was only 5000 miles away from my home. I decided to make the journey home fun by attempting to beat my previous time record for this distance, swimming butterfly. I arrived home, ate a refreshing meal, realized I had forgotten my laptop, swam back, got my laptop, and swam home again all in a record-breaking twelve hours. I decided to take a short nap.
June 3, 2007(Today)
After sleeping for two days straight, I awoke, took a shower, and decided to update my blog. Maybe someday I'll write a book detailing my journeys.
So you see, I actually haven't been ignoring you all this time, it's just the only internet access on Kazakastan was dial-up(those poor cannibals
vegetarian natives), and you know how I hate dial-up.
Hopefully next time I visit them I can bring DSL along with me so I can keep ya'll updated. And hopefully I'll be able to keep this blog updated, barring any unforeseen circumstances.
I know you all missed me mucho much, and I have to say that I don't really care one bit, but I should offer you an explanation I suppose. First, let me say that my commitment to post a lot more in the future will be renewed eventually once I calm down from my recent experiences that I am about to unfold.
April 20th, 2007
I spontaneously decided to go skydiving in Antarctica to enjoy the beauty of the continent which is soon to be mine. I parachuted out of my self-assembled F-314 jet fighter under blue skies, not anticipating the trouble coming seconds later. I commenced the execution of plan Can-Not-Possibly-Fail by performing a perfect ejection out of my plane only to find that I had forgotten one minor detail: my parachute. I immediately grabbed hold of the plane, and traveling at speeds greater than Mach 5, and attempted to regain access to the cockpit. Unfortunately my huge great muscles could not withstand the 1000000000000000000000000 pounds per square inch of force that was being exerted on them, and I was forced to let go. I plummeted down 10000 feet to the freezing water that soon to be my personal cryogenics laboratory.
May 5, 2007
Even while frozen inside a block of ice, my amazing brain did not fail to come up with a plan of escape. I emitted a high pitched frequency to attract attention from a passing ship, but unfortunately I only attracted the attention of a fusion of bats(I'm so amazing I know a bunch of bats together isn't called a flock, it's a "fusion"), which promptly nestled down to continue their hibernation. Though to the layman, this may seem a mistake, I knew this was just a minor setback. I knew there was a nature documentary team from Discovery channel in the area, and this unusual animal behavior would surely attract their attention. I was obviously right, and was rescued the next day (who would doubt it?).
May 15, 2007
After 10 days, the Discovery team finished up their documentary and started home. Their path took them past my secret base of operations for the invasion of Antarctica, so I decided to "jump ship" (actually it was more of a belly-flop). My friends offered to pick me to turn around and pick me up, but I turned them down, telling them with my amazing muscles, I could just swim from there.
May 16, 2007
How was I supposed to know this stupid island was over-run by a herd of cannibals!?!?
May 23, 2007
I actually did know that this island was a cannibal island. It wasn't my base of operations at all, I just wanted you to think that. Actually, I went there to deal with the infestation of cannibals that had arisen. Anyway, they are taken care of.
At first they hailed me as King and gave me a nice hot bath. They added a little to much salt to the water for my liking, as well as some vegetables, meats and spices, but I attributed that to my culture shock. It was only when they wanted to bring the water to a rolling boil and add the flavor of my blood to the water that I had to object. Luckily, I had brushed up on their language, Kazakastanian, right before I had left. Who would have known that in their dialect of Kazakastanian the word "Dish of the Day" sounded a lot like the word for "King" in my dialect. I promptly pulled out my self-assembled AK-48 and blew them away. Or I would have if the gun hadn't jammed. I had to deal with them using my great will-power alone.
May 29, 2007
Let's just say that the island of Kazakastan is now home to a purely vegetarian society.
May 30, 2007
I decided to wait until evolution granted me the ability to fly, and then ride home on a nice gust of warm air.
June 1, 2007
I decided to travel home by Plan B: swim. Luckily I was only 5000 miles away from my home. I decided to make the journey home fun by attempting to beat my previous time record for this distance, swimming butterfly. I arrived home, ate a refreshing meal, realized I had forgotten my laptop, swam back, got my laptop, and swam home again all in a record-breaking twelve hours. I decided to take a short nap.
June 3, 2007(Today)
After sleeping for two days straight, I awoke, took a shower, and decided to update my blog. Maybe someday I'll write a book detailing my journeys.
So you see, I actually haven't been ignoring you all this time, it's just the only internet access on Kazakastan was dial-up(those poor cannibals
vegetarian natives), and you know how I hate dial-up.
Hopefully next time I visit them I can bring DSL along with me so I can keep ya'll updated. And hopefully I'll be able to keep this blog updated, barring any unforeseen circumstances.
Monday, April 09, 2007
Like Sheep To the Slaughter
Today, while looking in the mirror and admiring myself, I realized that everyone else in the world matters not.
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
American Idol, American Shmidol
You know, I think American Idol is pretty dumb. I mean, it's bad enough to worship stupid little idols of gods without practically drooling over some people who God gave a nice voice. And those judges, I mean, puuh-lease, do you really think they have any freedom over what they say; NO!! It's all scripted out. Randy is the nice dude who tells it like it is, the girl(can't remember her name) is the nice one who never wants to hurt anyone, and Simon is the mean man. I mean, he would say the Beatles lacked oomph and were just plain horrible if they got up in front of him. And then the narrator dude, I hate the way they try to draw out the suspense when they're kicking someone out. (They need half an hour of show to air, so that's the way they fill it.)
The narrator dude with the nice little goatee* says: "And you are.......not.......going home, you are safe!!!"
Ooh you had me there.
He should say: "And you are not surely ever not not going home."
And then make them figure it out. And if they get it wrong, they have to go home.
Besides, should I ever go on there, I think we all know who would win. Simon would loose his job cause he would have to complement me evertime I sang, and that's not what's in his contract.
*He has to trim his facial hair that way, it's in his contract.
The narrator dude with the nice little goatee* says: "And you are.......not.......going home, you are safe!!!"
Ooh you had me there.
He should say: "And you are not surely ever not not going home."
And then make them figure it out. And if they get it wrong, they have to go home.
Besides, should I ever go on there, I think we all know who would win. Simon would loose his job cause he would have to complement me evertime I sang, and that's not what's in his contract.
*He has to trim his facial hair that way, it's in his contract.
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
What Are You Talking About
Hi,
So some have accused me of not posting as often as need be, and I profusely deny that. I am Dave, need I say any more??
But I mean, is it really necessary to pour out myself into this scrap of 0's and 1's. Eventually, Google will be sued and lose, Blogger.com will be sold, and then who knows if they won't erase all blog entries of everyone who won't pay them some money.
After all, eventually, the world will end, and the earth will boil away into a deep nothing. What then?
Just a thought.
Dave the Great
So some have accused me of not posting as often as need be, and I profusely deny that. I am Dave, need I say any more??
But I mean, is it really necessary to pour out myself into this scrap of 0's and 1's. Eventually, Google will be sued and lose, Blogger.com will be sold, and then who knows if they won't erase all blog entries of everyone who won't pay them some money.
After all, eventually, the world will end, and the earth will boil away into a deep nothing. What then?
Just a thought.
Dave the Great
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
