Saturday, September 12, 2009

In Response, Plus, Some New Material

First to respond to some provocative comments made by various peoples.

1. J.A.S.O.N.: I am suing you for stealing my idea with your name. It's a good thing you didn't complete the final steps or I would sue you for stealing my body, brain, and personality too.

2. Deb: I thank you for your kind words. And I realize I'm worth fighting over. I suggest you settle the dispute with a gift war. This being a war in which the only object is to send me more presents, and more importantly, more expensive presents than anyone else. The winner may or may not receive a plastic plaque.

3. Jason. I am great, you are not. Please don't assume anything about me.

4. And finally:
Dear Captain Awesome,

I am glad you have been reading my blog. You will be a better person for it. For example, you will soon see how ridiculous it is to assume that you can do away with steps 7-9. In fact, these are the most integral steps. By continuing to read my blog, you will see more and more how mistaken you really are.

Now, on to new business. Someone mentioned that my birthday has passed. Actually, Captain Awesome, you calculated my birthday wrong. It is the 1st of August, not the 2nd. But I digress. My birthday is actually the cause of my long hiatus from this blog. I relate my experiences here.

D.A.V.E.'s Birthday

I flew to Times Square in New York, the only place I thought would be big enough in America to hold the masses of people that would come to celebrate the momentous day. I arrived in New York around noon on my birthday and promptly proceeded to Times Square. The first clue that something was wrong was that there was no reception committee at the airport, and (I thought it might be because they were trying to make it a surprise party) the driver of the taxi I was forced to take didn't accept my autograph as legal tender. I put this off on the fact that I had spelled my name in English, and he obviously wasn't from an English speaking country. However, when he dropped me off in the square, it was remarkably empty, aside from the normal everyday traffic. I meandered around, expecting thousands of people to pour out of the building, alleys, taxi-cabs, and trashcans at any moment and shout "Surprise!". I must say here that this rather annoyed me as anyone who knows anything about me knows I am a man of too high an intellect as to be surprised at anything. I was thinking along these lines, when a bus rudely ran me over.

I woke up in a hospital some weeks later. Hence my absence. I tried updating the blog, but the only internet connection available in the subconscious is dial-up.

In regards to my birthday, I must assume that the person who planned the party made an error in his calculation in the same way that Captain Awesome did. It is unfortunate that I missed my party the next day.

The moral of this story is: verify all dates, times, and locations with me.


Nathan said...

Dear Sir.

I wish to offer a formal apology for not attending your Birthday Extravaganza on the first of August, 2009. While I was not among those to miscalculate the date of your nativity, I was unfortunately not in possession of sufficient funds to travel to New York on the appropriate date. Several people of my acquaintance, however, were planning to travel to New York for the occasion, and had bought several hundred pounds of firecrackers with which to celebrate the anniversary of your birth. However, they seemed to be under the mistaken impression that your birthday was on January 1st, and not the first of August. I was, unfortunately, unable to disabuse them of this notion. Perhaps, in the future, you might wish to make a more explicit statement regarding the date of your nativity celebration, with helpful reminders leading up to the big day.
I hope you will accept my apologies, and my deepest condolence on the loss of your friend, Mr. Big Spider.
I am, as always, yours,


Deb said...

D.A.V.E., D.A.V.E., D.A.V.E.

I was there. I was! I was on the OTHER side of Times Square. I was forced to park my extravagantly large gift in an out-of-the-way alleyway to avoid local law enforcement harassment, but they were occupied with the fact that someone had been ran over by a bus. I was confused as to why you didn't show up, and only assumed it was because you had glimpsed your tremendously expensive gift from across the Square and made a break for it because you hated it so much. I gave it to the homeless guy who was using it for shelter from the blazing sun.

He said thank you.

Captain Awesome said...

I apologize profusely for my mistake in calculations. I told at least ten million people to surprise you for your birthday, but you got taken into the hospital and they were refused entrance because they weren't your family. I have come to understand that you are indeed correct about steps 7-9, but I also realized that I don't need to be great, I can just remain Awesome