Friday, August 14, 2009

Your Ten Step Guide To Becoming SIMILAR To Me

An anonymous poster who called himself merely "Jason", commented

Dear D.a.v.e.

Hi I'm your biggest fan my name is Jason.I've been wondering. Is there a way I could make myself as cool as you.
eagerly awaiting your reply
P. S. You should open a D.A.V.E. amusement park

In response, I have devised...

"D.A.V.E.'s 10-Step Guide To Becoming SIMILAR To Me"*

Option 1:
The first option for being like me is being born as me. If you are lucky enough to have had this happen, then you don't need this 10-step guide. Please proceed to step 10.

Option 2:
For those of you who were not lucky enough to be born as me, this option is the one for you.

Step 1:
Memorize every word of this blog. Repeat various posts often in social situations. The more people you put down, the more superior you will be.

Step 2:
Brush your teeth twice a day. Make sure you get the molars. And don't forget the flossing and mouth-wash.

Step 3
You must store your computer in your linen closet. This is a very important step. You must follow this one.

Step 4
Change your name to a cool acronym.

Step 5
Devise a cunning plan to conquer Antarctica. Implementation is optional. It's really the planning that counts.

Step 6
Have Leonardo da Vinci, Genghis Khan, and Albert Einstein as ancestors. Be able to prove it with cool conclusive evidence as seen in My Humble Beginnings

Step 7
Switch bodies with me.

Step 8
Switch brains with me.

Step 9
Switch personalities with me.
Note: The order of steps 7, 8, and 9 is very important. Mixing up the order may cause dry mouth, indigestion, death, runny nose, nuclear explosion, diarrhea, upset stomach, the apocalypse, World War III, plagues of locusts, the rapture, the rise of the anti-Christ, hair loss, AND NOT BEING ME. Idiot.

Step 10
Revel in the glory of being me. Tell others of my greatness. Share and enjoy. Mainly enjoy though.

Congratulations, you have now completed my 10-step program and if all went according to plan, you are now as cool as me. I wish you well.

*D.A.V.E.'s 10-Step Guide To Becoming SIMILAR To Me" is merely intended to deceive the blubbering masses into thinking they can be like me for the purpose of further emphasize my greatness in comparison to everyone else.

All rights reserved. No part of this program may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, except as may be expressly permitted by the applicable copyright statutes or in writing by the me.

Copyright© D.A.V.E. 2009
Patents Pending
D.A.V.E.® is a registered trademark of Darwin Aristotle Vinci Euler.


jason said...

Dear D.A.V.E.

Thanks for the help. I went ahead and did steps 1-5. Unfortunetly I had some trouble with steps 6-10.

your biggest fan,


Deb said...

Just out of curiosity, what is J.A.S.O.N. an acronym for?

And just so we're clear here, you may be D.A.V.E.'s biggest fan, but I'm his favorite groupie.

HA. Beat that.

jason said...

Dear Deb
J.A.S.O.N. stands for Jimmy-Abraham-Steven-Owen-Nate. And further more I am not only D.A.V.E.'s biggest fan I am also his Favorite guy named Jimmy-Abraham-Steven-Owen-Nate. Or at least I assume I am.


Captain Awesome said...

Seeing as how jason could not get past step 5, I am resolved to try these steps myself. I'll let you know how it turns out. On a side note, steps 7-9 are not strictly necessary for being great (and can be undertaken in any order by me) and step 5 accounts for 99.9914149927189931415% of reaching your greatness.