Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Coming Out Of The Closet....I NEED HELP!!!

Today I am responding to a comment posted by Deb that her faith in my "absolute infallibility" is wavering. You notice I am NOT responding to another comment by "the doubter". I'm willing to have civil and open discourse, but you must not bring facts of any kind into the discussion. The only evidence accepted is what I say/have said.

The comment from Deb was...

"Yes that is very fast. I find my faith in your absolute infallibility starting to waiver around the edges..........

Just a tiny bit, that is.

Hardly noticeable at all.


Hey! What's that over -------->> there????"

It is not my "absolute infallibility" that is wavering, but it my ability to deal with you peons and your incessant whining. I mean, why should I DAVE THE GREAT, need to explain myself to you??!? IT'S NOT LIKE I NEED YOU!!!! YOU'RE JUST A BUNCH OF RAVING LUNATICS!!!!!! I'M THE SANE ONE HERE...ME, ME, ME, ME, ME...............................................................


Alright, you win....I admit it, I lied, I'm a.....fake. Alright, I'll come out of the closet now, I'll explain everything. I've been trapped inside this dark place for months on end, I'm not sure who to talk to. I've tried a few things, but none of them seem to work. The only outlet I have is this stupid blog, and now my audience is losing faith in me as well. The darkness is threatening to take over. There just doesn't seem to be anyone here like me, just a few dead moths and a mouse. The mouse was my friend at first but then I found out he was stealing my food. The betrayal was too much for me, and I crushed him. I held a nice funeral for him, and cried over the body for weeks. There was no place to bury him, so I stuck him in an empty ration box. Even in death he spited me with his foul stench for weeks afterward. Nobody loves me, everybody hates me....nobody loves me, everybody hates me....no-body loves me, everybody hates me.....

I come now to the point of this tirade...I now find it necessary to come out of the closet once and for all. I have run out of rations, my ex-mouse friend is rotting, and the moths are long gone, eaten by spiders. I come now to the point of no return, I must come out of the closet, I must, or I will die. I will chronicle the process for posterity's sake.

I am standing up. Oh no!!!!

Ok, false alarm it was only some old coat hangers. Even they hate me, the retch that I am.

I am reaching for the doorknob.

I am opening the door...my hands are no longer what they used to be. Their muscles no longer ripple with strength. I am finding it hard to turn the doorknob.

I can't seem to open the door....I can't open it! What's happening, it wasn't locked when I entered many sleepless moons ago. I'm panicking....what can I do...

GET ME OUT OF HERE!!! I am attempting to use my internet connection to contact local emergency personal. Till then I am trapped. I implore anyone who reads this blog to help me! Deb, HELP ME!! Even the critic is welcome now!! Do you know anything about doorknobs?????! I need help!! Please help!!!


Deb said...

I assume you, being all omnipotent and stuff - remembered to take your cell phone into the closet with you?


Okay, email me your address and I will call 911 and direct them to the closet at your house. (I assume it is at your house....?)

I will now start working on a good cover story so that the world will believe that your self-imposed exile into the closet was for the good of mankind.

It's the only way.

Dave said...

I think I'm dead!

Wait no false alarm!

Dave said...

And.....I don't know my address.

Deb said...

Okay.... the story is:

You felt your power becoming too immense for the population to handle and their jealousy was getting out of hand, so for the good of the world (and your own agenda), you locked yourself in the closet and waited for news of your disappearance/death to be spread worldwide. You are now just waiting for everyone to relax and let down their guard so you can quickly and quietly take over world domination before anyone notices.........


Captain Awesome said...

I refuse to believe that you have not done all these amazing things you say you have. And if the closet door is locked you could use a coat hanger to unlock it