Sunday, May 28, 2006

My Humble Beginnings

Lately, I have been receiving emails, letters, IM's, etc, all inquiring about my past. Well, I deleted all those, but yesterday, looking in my mirror, I realized that I owed it to the world to tell them HOW I became so great.

I have tracked my lineage back, and using my great brain, have determined without doubt, that I am, in fact, a direct descendant of Albert Einstein. Delving further, I discovered that Einstein was a direct descendant of none other than Leonardo Da Vinci, and in turn, Da Vinci was a direct descendant of the famous warlord, Genghis Khan.

Therefore(using a method I call "the transitive method"), I am the modern day Genghis Khan.(Don't worry if you don't understand(it just means I'm great), or in fact, believe this[I will offer proof later in the post])

But I do not let the knowledge of my great lineage alter me in the least. I am still the kind, compassionate, caring, humble person I have always been.

As of my past, I was born great, I am great, and I will always be great. That is all you need to know.

Earlier in the post, I told you that I would offer proof as to my lineage.

Here, I am including a picture of a thing past down to me from the great Khan himself. On the reverse side(not included in the picture), is an inscription in an ancient dialect.

Genghis Khan's Great Butter-Knife

My great brain has been able to decipher this dialect and here is the approximate translation: "This butter knife is the sole property of Genghis Khan. Any duplication, or unauthorized use will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law."

I think that proves the Khan connection. Now, since I proved that Da Vinci is a descendant of Khan, Einstein a descendant of Da Vinci, and I myself a descendant of Einstein, this obviously proves without a doubt my point. But to dissuade any remaining doubters, I will offer proof of my relation to these two men.

This painting is sure-fire proof that I am related to Da Vinci. I found this in my attic one day.

An Unknown Da Vinci Painting Found By Me

Now, If you look in the lower left hand corner of this masterpiece, you will see an inscription which reads: "From: Grandpa Da Vinci
To: My Greatest Ancestor Dave"

The Inscription

"Grandpa Da Vinci" is obviously a shortened title. The correct inscription with all of the "Greats" included could never fit in the corner of a painting.

For proof of my relation to Einstein, I will show you a page I found in a notebook entitled "Einstein's Notebook", and handed down through the family for generations.

A Page From Einstein's Notebook

It starts to say: "To find the volume of the spherical junk of anti-matter[EQUATION]"

It was obviously at this moment that inspiration struck, and the famous E=MC^2 was born. You can see this from the big Voila!!!! written below it.

So there is my past. I hope you peons enjoyed it.


Anonymous said...

Hey umm dave you strike me as a megalomanaic. You realize that this so called "da vinci painting theory has several holes in it, and I will list them in orer of most to least important. First, it is known that da vinci was gay and had no children. secondly if he did some how manage to raise a family with out the world knowing it how should he have known that in a couple hundred years one of his desendants would be named Dave? Secondly, we have no evidence that the so called "sword"(actually a butter knife) has any inscription much less a relation to gengis kahn. Finally to name just one of the many flaws that frequent your post, how did a butter kife of an asian war lord end up in an american attic? Could I also be so bold as to ask to have you post a picture of the inscription as well as the key you made to cipher the ancient dialect. I have touched on a few of the many problems that seem to in habit this piece of junk you call a post.
with all respect,

Just D said...

Not to be picky here, but unless you were DaVinci's grandfather (which would cause an extreme paradigm, at which point most of us lesser being's heads would explode), he should have signed it to his greatest descendant, not ancestor.

Or something like that.

Dave said...

I'm going to formally respond to your comment in my next post.

I need some time to research this bizarre fact I hadn't noticed before.

Eclecticus said...


Hi, oh one, full of greatness. Please, allow me to point out to you a great crack, visible at several miles of distance in your great skull.

Your words full of greatness were so enlightening, that I'm starting to feel great myself. is strange...there is a crack in my skull as well, that I haven't noticed before!

Wow! Isn't it great?


ObscureMuse said...

This is hilarious, it's obviously a joke. Don't worry Dave great minds think alike, I think that this post is genius I enjoyed reading it very much. Hey you know if this post is genius...and obviously Leonardo's sexual preference was uhh...a more masculine type of person, then it's very possible that you really are a direct decedent on Da Vinci! Congrat's!