Please Comment

Comment if you see this, I need to now I still have fans out there that read this. I don't care if you've never even read my blog, just read it(or not) and then comment please!

I'm losing faith.
-Dave

Forgive and Forget, Right?

Please forgive me for my long absence...I have moved twice in the last couple of months. My first new location was a gated community with most excellent security service. My address was Cell-block 341A, Coosa County Jail. My second move(my current location) was to a big building named "Coosa Rehabilitation Center".

It all started when two people dressed in dark blue uniforms with star shaped badges showed up on my doorstep uninvited. I attempted to drive them away with my hoard of attack mice I have training in my basement for several years. Unfortunately, it appeared my training was for nought, as all the mice did was run and hide.

The next thing that happened puzzles me to this day. The bluesy dressed people started saying things like..."Under arrest", Something about my "'rights'? hand.", "Remain silent", and such...

An awkward silence ensued.

After a minute, I broke the silence by excusing my-self to go get something to eat. Rudely, the bluesy dressed people came inside uninvited and watched my actions suspiciously. All this staring was making me rather uncomfortable, so I decided to take a brisk walk to calm my nerves. When the people started following me, I decided to make it a very quick run away from wherever they were.

Unfortunately, my yard was enclosed by a fence, and I didn't have time to open the gate, so I decided to jump it. However, because of forces out of my control, I didn't quite make it. I woke up in the back of a white car.

At the station I was given a telephone, and told I could make one call. I was still rather hungry, so I decided to call the Pizza Guy. I ordered a large pizza with the works, but then they hung up on me after I told them where I was calling from. The bluesy men showed up again and took my to my apartment, which turned out to be small and made entirely of metal.

Strangely enough, none of my countless fans or friends came to bail me out. I assumed that they are all hibernating for the summer.

I won't give too many details about my appearance in court. I will tell you, however, that it was immediately after I got up and made a long speech that I was told I was moving again, this time to the "Coosa Rehabilitation Center".

I promised my counselor that I would delete this blog, but am secretly keeping it up.

Till later...

Yours Truly,
Dave the Great

What, Me Worry?

Apparently, my last post caused no small amount of concern among my fans. It seems that they think that I am getting sued for some reason. Well, let me assure them, that their fears have no foundation whatsoever. I'm just way too great to sue. In a comment, a fan of mine interpreted the writing like this.

"Dear Mr. Thompson,
By not responding to any of our previous (illegible), to remove the (illegible) content from (illegible) (illegible), you have forced us to take (illegible) action against (illegible)."

Well, I have figured out the illegible portions, and it goes like this

"Dear Mr. Thompson,
By not responding to any of our previous pleadings, to remove the great content from your blog, you have forced us to take great action against all other blogs."

Apparently, my blog is too great, so they are taking everyone elses offline. I'm sure the change will come about in the next few days. I'm sure you all will understand.

Anyway, no worries about lawsuits.

P.S. Comments such as

"Hey, dve!

The can su U, U'r 2 cool t ge sud! Jus give mE d word, dve, and il go n kill jams dogder or wtever an he ovisly dont kno dat u r dve! i m sooo md nou!

-dvs fn woo s anry"

are more insulting than they are anything else. I mean, if you're going to leave a comment on the greatest(and soon to be only) blog on the Internet, then at least have the decency to spell things right!

To Europe or Bust!!

I decided today that I would like to take a trip to Europe. I figured that seeing the great arts and buildings of the past will help relieve the feeling that I am the only person great enough to understand the things that I do.


Anyway, the mail-truck deposited more envelopes and papers in the little box by the street today. One of them was again from "The Law Offices of James Dogooder"(see my post entitled What Happened Today for more on James Dogooder and my greatness). The letter was again written in cursive, and so, I could not read it. However, I will post it up so you all can see that it is obviously a tribute to my greatness.

I accidentally set fire to it, and then had to douse it to put out the flames, so it's a little smudged, but I'm sure you can make it out(click on it to get a larger version).

Life Work

I am writing a book about my life. I believe these books in English (the language of the common American peasant) are called auto-biographies. To clarify, I'm not in the process of writing. I have been done with the writing for almost fifteen years. I'm currently in the process of trying to get a major publishing company to syndicate my book. This as I call it "SINdictation" stage has taken the fifteen years since I finished the final draft of my book. Now while many lesser authors would be discouraged by the flood of rejection slips, I am not. I'm sure you are thinking, "How is he so stead fast in the face of almost certain defeat?" Now you may think that it's another one of my amazing traits or that it must be a combination of my ancestors and my own amazing will power. But in reality, it's neither supreme bloodlines nor nerves of steel. It is knowledge that the publishers are wrong and I am right. In a couple of days, I will release never-before-seen rejection slips from the publisher with their ridiculous remarks on my amazing paragraphs.
-Dave

Recent Happenings

Recently, I was hacked by the person who now calls himself "the critic". Obviously, my greatness became to much for him to bear, and he just had to try to defeat me. He challenged me to a duel, and I accepted.

We decided that since I live in America, and he lives in Denial, the best place for us to meet was over the internet. I challenged him to a game of Castle Wolfenstien, and he accepted.

The battle was short lived. I won a game. He then accused me of cheating and wanted a rematch. This went on for 5 games(me winning all of them), until he finally exited the game in disgust. It appears that I have won once and for all.

-Dave

The Stupid Computer Among Other Things

I woke up today and turned on my computer, only to be greeted by a shower of sparks and an extraordinarily hot electrical fire. I quickly extinguished the fire with nothing but my willpower*.

After I extinguished the fire, the computer, surprisingly, would not power on. I tried yelling at it. After a full ten minutes of severe verbal abuse, the computer still refused to yield to me. I quickly proceed to physical abuse, using mallets, hammers, and screwdrivers as instruments of torture.

The computer had by now, received more damage than a Swiss-Army Knife could take. However, it still refused to power on.

I abandoned the computer as worthless.

As to just how I am posting this if my computer does not work: Just put it down to my greatness.

On another note, I received a call today about some letter. I was eating lunch at the time, and didn't think it was important enough to note what the guy said.

-Dave

*And something that shot white foam over everything

What Happened Today?

I woke up, admiring my self in the mirror I have hanging over my bed. After a while, I decided it was time for some food to feed my brain.

Around noon, the mail-truck drove by, leaving, as it is in the habit of doing, some papers in my large box on a stick by the street. Among these papers was a particularly large yellow thing holding more papers. Curiosity overcame me, and I opened it to reveal a nice letter addressed to me, written in cursive. I have long since decided, that cursive is a stupid and often quite illegible form of writing(I have created many forms of writing to replace cursive, but they, as of yet, have not become known to the public), and therefore, forgot how to read it. Because of this, I had to guess at what the letter said.

I'm assuming it said something like this:
"Dear Great Dave,
I have always been your fan. I love you! You are so great.
-Your Subordinate Fan"

I am unsure as to whether this translation is correct, for the simple reason that the letter itself was a full 10 pages long. It could, of course, have been the same words repeated over and over again.

I could however, read the return address. It was: "The Law Offices of James Dogooder"
It must be that the legal system is in as much awe of me as ordinary peons.

-Dave

The Universe

Now to tell you more about my thinking. I am a humble man by nature, I never hurt anyone intentionally, and I don't think I've ever done something I didn't intend to do.

My thoughts on the universe go something like this. I think that the universe is not, as most physicist think, and ever expanding egg shaped object. Rather, it is about the size and shape of the CD-ROM that is not resting on my desk. The only difference between it and the universe, is that the universe is more like those new holographic disks they are just now starting to create. So really, all the universe is, is a reflection of the real universe. I won't go into my beliefs about what this means for humanity. The thing is, the universe is like a mirror that reflects more than light. It reflects feelings, pain, etc. So really, there is no difference between the real universe, and our one. Just as there is no difference between the person, and his reflection.

I got a phone call today from someone today. He started yelling at me, and I figured he loved me so much he couldn't control himself.

-Dave

About the Butterknife

It appears that I have silenced the critic once and for all with my great logic and amazing tact. Nevertheless, I will do what I said, and post a picture of the engravings on the butterknife. A picture of the key to the ancient dialect is not possible since I solved it all in my head.



As you can see, there is clearly writting on the reverse side. Later posts will no longer focus on critics of my past and such. They will focus again on my greatness and such.

-Dave

Reply to a Critic

Hi,
I received a comment to both of my previous posts. The first one was just what I expected.

A comment from 'Captian Peabody':

"Wow, Dave, you are so great! I feel honored just to be able to read the same words you've written."

But the second one had some issues with some of my reasoning about my ancestors. It was from an anonymous person, and it said:

"Hey umm dave you strike me as a megalomanaic. You realize that this so called "da vinci painting theory has several holes in it, and I will list them in orer of most to least important. First, it is known that da vinci was gay and had no children. secondly if he did some how manage to raise a family with out the world knowing it how should he have known that in a couple hundred years one of his desendants would be named Dave? Secondly, we have no evidence that the so called "sword"(actually a butter knife) has any inscription much less a relation to genghis kahn. Finally to name just one of the many flaws that frequent your post, how did a butter kife of an asian war lord end up in an American attic? Could I also be so bold as to ask to have you post a picture of the inscription as well as the key you made to cipher the ancient dialect. I have touched on a few of the many problems that seem to in habit this piece of junk you call a post.
with all respect,
anonymous"

Now, we'll go through this point by point. First of all, Da Vinci was NOT gay, I don't care what you say. I don't know where you got this information, but that's just not true. Look up any biography you want. Now, what the biographies will tell you is that he was not gay, but what they won't tell you, is that he WAS, in fact, married. He was married to a peasant girl who lived just outside of his hometown. The marriage was a secret, and the girl died a year later giving birth to their only son(my great-great-great-etc-grandfather). I gather this information from sources(written by Da Vinci himself) I found in my attic when I found the painting.


And as to him knowing I would be his ancestor... I don't know how he knew, the only thing that matters is that he DID know(if you want proof, look at the inscription on the painting).

About the butter-knife/sword deal. You say there is no evidence of it, yet there is evidence on the very page you are reading from. The picture of the knife in my previous post is, of course, what I'm speaking of. As to how it got in my attic, it just so happens that I do not feel I should share the story with just any person who comes to this site, so I will not tell.

As to a picture of the inscription. I will post a picture soon. I cannot do it right this minute because the knife in question is currently being examined by trained professionals.

And as for your comment. Learn to spell and capitalize properly. And PLEASE, at least sign your name, not just 'anonymous'.

-Dave

My Humble Beginnings

Lately, I have been receiving emails, letters, IM's, etc, all inquiring about my past. Well, I deleted all those, but yesterday, looking in my mirror, I realized that I owed it to the world to tell them HOW I became so great.


I have tracked my lineage back, and using my great brain, have determined without doubt, that I am, in fact, a direct descendant of Albert Einstein. Delving further, I discovered that Einstein was a direct descendant of none other than Leonardo Da Vinci, and in turn, Da Vinci was a direct descendant of the famous warlord, Genghis Khan.

Therefore(using a method I call "the transitive method"), I am the modern day Genghis Khan.(Don't worry if you don't understand(it just means I'm great), or in fact, believe this[I will offer proof later in the post])

But I do not let the knowledge of my great lineage alter me in the least. I am still the kind, compassionate, caring, humble person I have always been.

As of my past, I was born great, I am great, and I will always be great. That is all you need to know.

Earlier in the post, I told you that I would offer proof as to my lineage.

Here, I am including a picture of a thing past down to me from the great Khan himself. On the reverse side(not included in the picture), is an inscription in an ancient dialect.



My great brain has been able to decipher this dialect and here is the approximate translation: "This butter knife is the sole property of Genghis Khan. Any duplication, or unauthorized use will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law."

I think that proves the Khan connection. Now, since I proved that Da Vinci is a descendant of Khan, Einstein a descendant of Da Vinci, and I myself a descendant of Einstein, this obviously proves without a doubt my point. But to dissuade any remaining doubters, I will offer proof of my relation to these two men.

This painting is sure-fire proof that I am related to Da Vinci. I found this in my attic one day.



Now, If you look in the lower left hand corner of this masterpiece, you will see an inscription which reads: "From: Grandpa Da Vinci
To: My Greatest Ancestor Dave"



"Grandpa Da Vinci" is obviously a shortened title. The correct inscription with all of the "Greats" included could never fit in the corner of a painting.

For proof of my relation to Einstein, I will show you a page I found in a notebook entitled "Einstein's Notebook", and handed down through the family for generations.



It starts to say: "To find the volume of the spherical junk of anti-matter[EQUATION]"

It was obviously at this moment that inspiration struck, and the famous E=MC^2 was born. You can see this from the big Voila!!!! written below it.

So there is my past. I hope you peons enjoyed it.
-Dave

All About Me And My Greatness

Hello Inferior Beings, this is Dave Thompson, a.k.a Dave the Superior. This is the place for me to vent my feelings of rage at the rest of the insignificant population of this world.

Just yesterday, I was sitting around feeling better than everyone else, and my "friends"(so they call themselves) were wishing they were more like me, when I looked in the mirror and realized why I was so great. I'm going to put a picture up here to show you, but I'll have to blur it up so you won't go blind from the dazzling beauty.




Well, I could go on typing all day, due to my massive hand muscle strength, but I'm tired of sharing the workings of my enormous brain with you peons.
-Dave

Next Post: We'll explore my past, and explore just what has made me into the great person I am today.