The World From MY Point Of View

My Yearly Post

2011-02-04T18:14:00.001-08:00

I noticed earlier today that my alarm had gone off to write my yearly post. And, as Deb so eloquently pointed out, my only motivation for posting anything on this blog is to "yank out the rug from under [her] feet." I hope you enjoy this. Until next year, I bid you adieu.

--D.A.V.E.

Your Freedom

2010-09-03T12:41:00.000-07:00

After countless months of silence, I have decreed that your D.A.V.E-declared exile has finally come to an end. Some of you may be wondering what you have done to receive such harsh treatment from someone as infinitely awesome as I. Do not worry, though, for I have returned not only to tell you what heinous crime you committed, but also to inform you about my whereabouts the past year.

First on this post's agenda: the heinous crime

I can understand your confusion as to why you were being punished, but first let me say this: it's not me, it's you. Please don't take that too harshly as I consider taking care of your feelings included under the job description of “Ultimate Supreme Being.” Really its not only your fault, but it's also the fault of the person who may or may not be sitting next to you. Now would be an appropriate time to turn to the person (or go out and find a person) and quietly yell (so as to not disturb the me (I have decided to refer to myself as “the me” because I deserve a worthy title, but I digress)) insults to the other person attempting to inflict as much emotional harm as possible. After rereading this blog a little less than one year ago, I proclaimed that all of you had effectuated a malfeasance. The heinous crime that your partner has committed (as well as yourself) is to allow the me to become complacent in my treatment of such insignificant peons. I have decided to revive this blog (and allow you to come out of exile) to once again share the workings of my enormous brain with the likes of you.

Second of this post's agenda: the past year's events

Initially after your ostracism, I stayed away from the outdoors for fear of giving you the wrong impression that your banishment was over. I also stayed away from my closet for fear of getting locked in again (see my post: Coming Out Of The Closet). I later realized that I was essentially ostracizing myself from you and quickly decided to enter the world at large and force yourselves to understand that it was you that was banished and for you to remove yourselves from my presence.

In order to pass the time between pondering the different mysteries of the universe (of which I have now solved all of them (but that's a different story)), I decided to get a job. What better job is there than molding the young minds of tomorrow that have already failed in reaching my level of greatness? What better person to teach them to try to become more like the me than the me himself? I immediately walked to Harvard University and then into the first classroom I could find. The students had already assembled and I assumed that Harvard had anticipated my arrival and set up the class specifically for me. I walked in and introduced myself to the class as their new professor “Dr. D.A.V.E.” and gave them a recommended reading list that consisted of my personal blog. At this moment an older person with a long, pointed gray beard decided to walk in to my class. Assuming he was just there to bask in my overpowering awesomeness, I continued to teach. He had other plans. This guy has the nerve to walk up to the me and ask me to “take a seat.” He didn't even tell me where he wanted the me to take said chair. Baffled, I collapsed into the nearest desk. He continued to override my authority by introducing himself as “Professor Timon.” The self-proclaimed professor then decided to introduce my class as “Intro to Ethics.” Outraged, I jumped up (that's an overstatement, I really just stood up), yelled “'Intro to Ethics' is not the name of my class!” and left the room intending to speak to the authorities.

And that brings us to right now. After being kicked out of my own classroom, I concluded that your banishment should end, and I found a computer to make this post to let you know that D.A.V.E. is indeed back.

In Response, Plus, Some New Material

2009-09-12T17:40:00.000-07:00

First to respond to some provocative comments made by various peoples.

1. J.A.S.O.N.: I am suing you for stealing my idea with your name. It's a good thing you didn't complete the final steps or I would sue you for stealing my body, brain, and personality too.

2. Deb: I thank you for your kind words. And I realize I'm worth fighting over. I suggest you settle the dispute with a gift war. This being a war in which the only object is to send me more presents, and more importantly, more expensive presents than anyone else. The winner may or may not receive a plastic plaque.

3. Jason. I am great, you are not. Please don't assume anything about me.

4. And finally:

Dear Captain Awesome,

I am glad you have been reading my blog. You will be a better person for it. For example, you will soon see how ridiculous it is to assume that you can do away with steps 7-9. In fact, these are the most integral steps. By continuing to read my blog, you will see more and more how mistaken you really are.
-D.A.V.E.

Now, on to new business. Someone mentioned that my birthday has passed. Actually, Captain Awesome, you calculated my birthday wrong. It is the 1st of August, not the 2nd. But I digress. My birthday is actually the cause of my long hiatus from this blog. I relate my experiences here.

D.A.V.E.'s Birthday

I flew to Times Square in New York, the only place I thought would be big enough in America to hold the masses of people that would come to celebrate the momentous day. I arrived in New York around noon on my birthday and promptly proceeded to Times Square. The first clue that something was wrong was that there was no reception committee at the airport, and (I thought it might be because they were trying to make it a surprise party) the driver of the taxi I was forced to take didn't accept my autograph as legal tender. I put this off on the fact that I had spelled my name in English, and he obviously wasn't from an English speaking country. However, when he dropped me off in the square, it was remarkably empty, aside from the normal everyday traffic. I meandered around, expecting thousands of people to pour out of the building, alleys, taxi-cabs, and trashcans at any moment and shout "Surprise!". I must say here that this rather annoyed me as anyone who knows anything about me knows I am a man of too high an intellect as to be surprised at anything. I was thinking along these lines, when a bus rudely ran me over.

I woke up in a hospital some weeks later. Hence my absence. I tried updating the blog, but the only internet connection available in the subconscious is dial-up.

In regards to my birthday, I must assume that the person who planned the party made an error in his calculation in the same way that Captain Awesome did. It is unfortunate that I missed my party the next day.

The moral of this story is: verify all dates, times, and locations with me.

Your Ten Step Guide To Becoming SIMILAR To Me

2009-08-14T14:40:00.000-07:00

An anonymous poster who called himself merely "Jason", commented

Dear D.a.v.e.

Hi I'm your biggest fan my name is Jason.I've been wondering. Is there a way I could make myself as cool as you.
eagerly awaiting your reply
Jason,
P. S. You should open a D.A.V.E. amusement park

In response, I have devised...

"D.A.V.E.'s 10-Step Guide To Becoming SIMILAR To Me"*

Option 1:
The first option for being like me is being born as me. If you are lucky enough to have had this happen, then you don't need this 10-step guide. Please proceed to step 10.

Option 2:
For those of you who were not lucky enough to be born as me, this option is the one for you.

Step 1:
Memorize every word of this blog. Repeat various posts often in social situations. The more people you put down, the more superior you will be.

Step 2:
Brush your teeth twice a day. Make sure you get the molars. And don't forget the flossing and mouth-wash.

Step 3
You must store your computer in your linen closet. This is a very important step. You must follow this one.

Step 4
Change your name to a cool acronym.

Step 5
Devise a cunning plan to conquer Antarctica. Implementation is optional. It's really the planning that counts.

Step 6
Have Leonardo da Vinci, Genghis Khan, and Albert Einstein as ancestors. Be able to prove it with cool conclusive evidence as seen in My Humble Beginnings

Step 7
Switch bodies with me.

Step 8
Switch brains with me.

Step 9
Switch personalities with me.
Note: The order of steps 7, 8, and 9 is very important. Mixing up the order may cause dry mouth, indigestion, death, runny nose, nuclear explosion, diarrhea, upset stomach, the apocalypse, World War III, plagues of locusts, the rapture, the rise of the anti-Christ, hair loss, AND NOT BEING ME. Idiot.

Step 10
Revel in the glory of being me. Tell others of my greatness. Share and enjoy. Mainly enjoy though.

Congratulations, you have now completed my 10-step program and if all went according to plan, you are now as cool as me. I wish you well.

*D.A.V.E.'s 10-Step Guide To Becoming SIMILAR To Me" is merely intended to deceive the blubbering masses into thinking they can be like me for the purpose of further emphasize my greatness in comparison to everyone else.

All rights reserved. No part of this program may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, except as may be expressly permitted by the applicable copyright statutes or in writing by the me.

Copyright© D.A.V.E. 2009
Patents Pending
D.A.V.E.® is a registered trademark of Darwin Aristotle Vinci Euler.

An Interesting Month

2009-08-03T09:00:00.000-07:00

July was an interesting month. I went into hibernation. I dreamed dreams about how to solve the crises of the world.

Dream #1:
I am a Huber Fish, swimming around in a small cage that obviously represent the limitations of mankind. All of a sudden, I eat the cage and burp up an ocean.

Interpretation of Dream #1:
I am the answer to all problems.

Dream #2:
I am a magnet, you know the kind that are painted all red on one side and all blue on the other. Everyone is attracted to me.

Interpretation of Dream #2:
Everybody loves the me!

Dream #3:
I am a clown fish, swimming around in a small fish bowl that obviously represents the limitations of humanity. All of a sudden, I shatter the bowl and throw up an ocean.

Interpretation of Dream #3:
I am the solution to all problems.

Dream #4:
I am standing on the top of a tall tree blowing in the wind. In the distance I can see a storm cloud with a huge tornado approaching. My position obviously in indicative of the fragile balance of the world. Suddenly I am the tornado and the tree is snapped like a twig.

Interpretation of Dream #4:
I will be the death of you.

Dream #5:
I am a sword fish, swimming around in a small lake that obviously represents the limitations of people. All of a sudden, I tunnel a hole to the ocean and the waters flow in. Equilibrium is reached between the ocean and the lake, which is now an ocean as well.

Interpretation of Dream #5:
I am thirsty.

At this point I awoke from my deep slumber and got a glass of water. Then I went to the bathroom. I always have liked the month of July.

July 4th

2009-07-04T11:48:00.000-07:00

So it's July 4th again. July 4th is one of my favorite days. The fireworks, the food. All in celebration of the fact that there are only 10,022,400 quarter seconds till my birthday! For anyone wanting to know what I want, I am in the process of authoring an extensive book on the subject and will publish the pertaining portions as soon as they are finished.

Also, I have yet to see anybody give reactions to my last post. My anger level is rising.

-D.A.V.E.

Reactions, Responses, Etc

2009-07-03T16:15:00.000-07:00

I see that not many of my millions of readers are responding to my posts with comments. I realize this could be because you are scared of appearing stupid. But be that as it may, not everybody (or actually, nobody) can be as great as I am. Just do your best. I'll try to be nice.

But as a way to encourage responses, I have added a "Reactions" area below each post for quick, anonymous, feedback. You can rank my posts as "Great", "Greater", or "Greatest". Or, if you feel it's an exceptionally great post you can mark all of the above. I suggest this for all posts, but it's really up to you.

Also, I have a "Followers" area to the right of my blog. It's a quick easy way for your name or blog to be associated with me, so get to it.

So now that I've given you peons an easy way to react to my greatness, I suggest you use it.

Now react.

-D.A.V.E.

Brallamese: Do They Exist?

2009-06-27T12:28:00.000-07:00

Despite Deb's incapacity to give me a context for Brallama, I will tell you peons what Brallama means. As it has multiple definitions, I will give you the most well known.

Bra-llam-a \brə-'lä-mä\ n 1 : A mid-ranking priest in the Zoroastrian religion.

The reason you did not find this on Google is because Brallama is the sacred spelling of the word only known to very few. Not sure how you found it.

I will end this post with a little competition: The first person to find the common spelling of Brallama will get the knowledge that you are not quite as smart as me. That special person will also received a digitally autographed photo of me.

BTW: The language you called "gibberish" is my second language, D.A.V.E.idian. So I take offense to that statement.

Word Verification: Brallama

2009-06-24T12:17:00.000-07:00

Dear Deb,
You say in your post dated June 22nd 8:04 PM:

Word verification: brallama

I know that has to mean something.

Although I already know the meanings of this word, it would be nice if you could give me a context in which it would be used. I would not like to give you the wrong definition, as this word has multiple definitions. Sort of like how "fluke" can mean either:
1) A stroke of luck.
2) A fish or flatworm.
3) The fins on a whale's tail.
4) The end parts of an anchor.
5) The part of an envelope you bend over and seal.

Thank you for your cooperation.

In other news, I found my leiopelmatidae. He was hiding on my map of the world just over New Zealand.

-D.A.V.E.

In Which I Catch a Myxinoidea, Lose a Leiopelmatidae, and Learn Pahsto

2009-06-22T10:57:00.000-07:00

I caught a Myxinoidea today. It was swimming around in my sink.

My pet leiopelmatidae hopped away though. I called him with my special leiopelmatidae call but he didn't answer.

In other news, my study of Pashto is coming along well.

دخداى په امان

-D.A.V.E.

My New Name...And a Recipe for Brownies

2009-06-19T13:32:00.001-07:00

After reading over this blog and finding that I am a genius in all matters, I have decided (as aforementioned) that I need a better name than "Dave". Here are some of the possibilities I have come up with.

Darwin:
Darwin was of course, the man that came up with the theory of evolution. The theory of evolution is of course, stated simply, that every individual person has at least one cousin who is an actual monkey. This was a very controversial finding, as many people did not want to admit that their cousin, whom they always suspected of being less bright than most, was an actual primate and not merely an extremely ugly person who spent most of his time grooming for fleas. However, the theory of evolution was conclusively proven by certain people and further validated by myself.

As you can see from this picture, Darwin himself is suspected of being one of the primate cousins, most likely distantly related to Charlton Heston(Darwin is the one on the left).

Aristotle
Aristotle was a jolly green giant back in the Grecian era who was best known for his series of boyhood adventure novels centered around his best friend, a dog named Plato. Books in this series include the critically acclaimed History of Animals, Parts of Animals, Movement of Animals, Progression of Animals, and the stunning climax, Generation of Animals. Also well known for his legendary romance novel Problems, which inspired such great writers as Jane Austin and Amanda McKittrick Ros.

However, for all his genius, he had a remarkably hard time spelling his own name, as evidenced by the above photo. Ἀριστοτέλης ≠ Aristotle.

Vinci
See my earlier post My Humble Beginnings

Da Vinci was a mutant whose deformations (shown above) left him emotionally scarred as an adult. Because of this, he was an introvert who spent most of his time painting and writing. These activities brought some closure in his later years, seeing as his extra arms allowed him to sketch amazingly fast. This allowed him to complete extremely detailed drawings of helicopters and various other flying machines as they flew by.

Euler
Euler was a famous mathemetician who came up with the famous "Euler's Equation".

e^ix= cos x + isinx

This equation, proven true both by someone else and me, shows that if you take Euler(shown by e), and stick a funny hat on him(shown in the equation by the ix), then cost for a service x(denoted by cos x) will be increased by the order of isinx, which is an imaginary number whose value was lost sometime in the Dark Ages. Darn barbarians.

The only reason this equation has survived until today is because it was mistaken by the barbarians in question for a delicious recipe for low-fat double chocolate chunk brownies.

Modern scientists are currently working to equate the value of isinx by close examination of the above photo of Euler wearing the funny hat in question. Progress so far is slow due to the scientists being distracted both by his odd expression and his horrendous fashion sense.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The final vote on my new name was a tough but unanimous one. After careful consideration I have realized that the greatness and uniqueness of each of these individuals, added up, is more than any one of them combined. Therefore, to most fully describe my OWN greatness, I have decided that my new name will be:

Darwin Aristotle Vinci Euler

For all of you peons out there who cannot remember the whole thing, or for those who don't want to say the name for fear of mispronunciation, you may call me D.A.V.E. for short. Note however that D.A.V.E. is pronounced Davé as in the word that rhymes with bah-way.

Now I'm going to go try that new recipe for low-fat double chocolate chunk brownies I found.

-Darwin Aristotle Vinci Euler (D.A.V.E.)

This Title Has Been Changed

2009-06-18T11:49:00.000-07:00

Big spider give me lots of good foooood. But not very interessetering converser. So I crush hime with big boot. Ewwy. Boiled spider pretty tastety.

Bigd mouseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeAAAAAGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!.....................................................................................

Hello? I found this computer inside what I assume to be my house(I say this with utmost confidence seeing as I knew where the spare key was hidden). This post was just sitting here, so I decided to better it with my greatness. The last draft was autosaved July 14th, 2007 at 23:42 hours. The stupid "blogger.com" had booted me out claiming something about my "session being timed out", so I logged back in(I'm also assuming this is my blog as I knew the password).

I can't quite remember who I am. However, reading back over this blog, I DO know that I MUST be Dave as I am the only person I know who could be this great. This blog is pure brilliance! Except for that last post. Someone else must have done that one. I mean...the deduction about those jelly donuts...pure genius. Except for my name. I hate the name Dave. I'm working on what my new name will be. I'll let you know when I figure it out.

Also, I know that when I woke up this morning, pre-dawn, I was lying naked in the fetal position on my lawn(or what I assume to be my lawn, given the evidence[look at that genius!]) with a bright light hovering a few hundred feet above the ground. My first thought was, "Hello, I am great!". My second was, "You are nothing more than a hovering ball of light, I will not trouble myself with speaking to you." My third thought was, "Who am I?", and the fourth, "Who cares? As long as I'm me."

I preceded to prove the Hodge conjecture, while the ball of light twisted itself into space-time. Good riddance. I lay there for a few hours, just to get acquainted with the world again, then got up and let myself into my(assumed) house.

On the way in, I passed a small mirror on the wall. My attention was stolen for another few hours contemplating my stark stunning handsomeness. After apprehending the thief and returning my attention to the rightful owner(myself), I noticed a large pile of mail on my, mainly consisting of subpoenas from the local police department. But being great and, at the moment, unsure if this was even my house, I used to fuel the fire to make some tea, adding just a little to my grotesque carbon footprint.

I eventually decided to get dressed, in order to grace the world with my sense of fashion, and that was about the time I noticed the computer. It was sitting in the closet, of all places. As aforementioned I decided to improve this posting with my greatness. Mission accomplished. I'll read over the rest of this blog and let you know when I know more about who I am and what my new name will be.

-??

Expert Board Confines Sneak Gum Astromomey Must Footnotes Passion

2007-07-14T12:32:00.000-07:00

I is good today. I feels the best I never felt in a long time.

Guess what? Me is smert again. Me eats rats for lunch; they taste like chicken. You may think im dramaterizationizing this, but really, I feels excreuationaliingllylylylylyly wonderingfully.

Dave will tell you why he feels exkscrueationaly-wanderful, todya. uhuhuhuh uh uh uh uh u hu h uh uh u hu hu h uh u hu h uh uh u hu h uh u h uh u hu h uh..kkfdkdf kf dgjk eitfglje. Dave hands make good joke. Good job leftly.

Open head mind sergury feels good. Garderning shears not very percice. Doctor bill costs nothing. Dave can't pay Dave, now can we.

Big spider coming to say hello. Must say toodles.

Todles.

Outrageous

2007-07-03T15:23:00.000-07:00

Today, I was surfing the web from my dark closet, and I found this new article.

Man Punches 'Rude' Drive-Thru Clerk

This article offended me deeply. It is not only the fact that the poor person was arrested, but also that he was forced to receive sub-standard service. As a fellow human and male, I understand completely where Williams is coming from. He probably just got off from a bad day at work, and he wanted a quick bite on the way home. He stops at this fast food restaurant, and ends up getting a warrant posted for him.

Personally, I think that Williams should sue this clerk for obstruction of service. I could be your lawyer Mr. Williams. Who better to represent you than the world's smartest man?

Besides, I have been taking an online course to enhance my natural talent, and I am ready for my first case. If you too would like to try to become a lawyer, you can try to follow the tutorial I have been following then go Becoming A Lawyer, but please remember, results may vary. You are not Dave.

Reminds me of this very interesting video.

Republican Punches Democratic Colleague

Let me conclude my post with a warning to the world; I have high standards for politeness during fast food delivery. If I hear of any more "rude" clerks not giving the due respect for the customer, I will follow in the footsteps of Mr. Williams and thoroughly assault you with a skillet.

Coming Out Of The Closet....I NEED HELP!!!

2007-06-12T14:56:00.000-07:00

Today I am responding to a comment posted by Deb that her faith in my "absolute infallibility" is wavering. You notice I am NOT responding to another comment by "the doubter". I'm willing to have civil and open discourse, but you must not bring facts of any kind into the discussion. The only evidence accepted is what I say/have said.

The comment from Deb was...

"Yes that is very fast. I find my faith in your absolute infallibility starting to waiver around the edges..........

Just a tiny bit, that is.

Hardly noticeable at all.

Really.

Hey! What's that over -------->> there????"

It is not my "absolute infallibility" that is wavering, but it my ability to deal with you peons and your incessant whining. I mean, why should I DAVE THE GREAT, need to explain myself to you??!? IT'S NOT LIKE I NEED YOU!!!! YOU'RE JUST A BUNCH OF RAVING LUNATICS!!!!!! I'M THE SANE ONE HERE...ME, ME, ME, ME, ME...............................................................

*sob*

Alright, you win....I admit it, I lied, I'm a.....fake. Alright, I'll come out of the closet now, I'll explain everything. I've been trapped inside this dark place for months on end, I'm not sure who to talk to. I've tried a few things, but none of them seem to work. The only outlet I have is this ~~stupid~~ blog, and now my audience is losing faith in me as well. The darkness is threatening to take over. There just doesn't seem to be anyone here like me, just a few dead moths and a mouse. The mouse was my friend at first but then I found out he was stealing my food. The betrayal was too much for me, and I crushed him. I held a nice funeral for him, and cried over the body for weeks. There was no place to bury him, so I stuck him in an empty ration box. Even in death he spited me with his foul stench for weeks afterward. Nobody loves me, everybody hates me....nobody loves me, everybody hates me....no-body loves me, everybody hates me.....

I come now to the point of this tirade...I now find it necessary to come out of the closet once and for all. I have run out of rations, my ex-mouse friend is rotting, and the moths are long gone, eaten by spiders. I come now to the point of no return, I must come out of the closet, I must, or I will die. I will chronicle the process for posterity's sake.

I am standing up. Oh no!!!!

Ok, false alarm it was only some old coat hangers. Even they hate me, the retch that I am.

I am reaching for the doorknob.

I am opening the door...my hands are no longer what they used to be. Their muscles no longer ripple with strength. I am finding it hard to turn the doorknob.

I can't seem to open the door....I can't open it! What's happening, it wasn't locked when I entered many sleepless moons ago. I'm panicking....what can I do...

GET ME OUT OF HERE!!! I am attempting to use my internet connection to contact local emergency personal. Till then I am trapped. I implore anyone who reads this blog to help me! Deb, HELP ME!! Even the critic is welcome now!! Do you know anything about doorknobs?????! I need help!! Please help!!!

Cannibals Vegetarian Natives

2007-06-03T18:57:00.000-07:00

Hi Fans,
I know you all missed me mucho much, and I have to say that I don't really care one bit, but I should offer you an explanation I suppose. First, let me say that my commitment to post a lot more in the future will be renewed eventually once I calm down from my recent experiences that I am about to unfold.

April 20th, 2007

I spontaneously decided to go skydiving in Antarctica to enjoy the beauty of the continent which is soon to be mine. I parachuted out of my self-assembled F-314 jet fighter under blue skies, not anticipating the trouble coming seconds later. I commenced the execution of plan Can-Not-Possibly-Fail by performing a perfect ejection out of my plane only to find that I had forgotten one minor detail: my parachute. I immediately grabbed hold of the plane, and traveling at speeds greater than Mach 5, and attempted to regain access to the cockpit. Unfortunately my huge great muscles could not withstand the 1000000000000000000000000 pounds per square inch of force that was being exerted on them, and I was forced to let go. I plummeted down 10000 feet to the freezing water that soon to be my personal cryogenics laboratory.

May 5, 2007

Even while frozen inside a block of ice, my amazing brain did not fail to come up with a plan of escape. I emitted a high pitched frequency to attract attention from a passing ship, but unfortunately I only attracted the attention of a fusion of bats(I'm so amazing I know a bunch of bats together isn't called a flock, it's a "fusion"), which promptly nestled down to continue their hibernation. Though to the layman, this may seem a mistake, I knew this was just a minor setback. I knew there was a nature documentary team from Discovery channel in the area, and this unusual animal behavior would surely attract their attention. I was obviously right, and was rescued the next day (who would doubt it?).

May 15, 2007

After 10 days, the Discovery team finished up their documentary and started home. Their path took them past my secret base of operations for the invasion of Antarctica, so I decided to "jump ship" (actually it was more of a belly-flop). My friends offered to pick me to turn around and pick me up, but I turned them down, telling them with my amazing muscles, I could just swim from there.

May 16, 2007

How was I supposed to know this stupid island was over-run by a herd of cannibals!?!?

May 23, 2007

I actually did know that this island was a cannibal island. It wasn't my base of operations at all, I just wanted you to think that. Actually, I went there to deal with the infestation of cannibals that had arisen. Anyway, they are taken care of.
At first they hailed me as King and gave me a nice hot bath. They added a little to much salt to the water for my liking, as well as some vegetables, meats and spices, but I attributed that to my culture shock. It was only when they wanted to bring the water to a rolling boil and add the flavor of my blood to the water that I had to object. Luckily, I had brushed up on their language, Kazakastanian, right before I had left. Who would have known that in their dialect of Kazakastanian the word "Dish of the Day" sounded a lot like the word for "King" in my dialect. I promptly pulled out my self-assembled AK-48 and blew them away. Or I would have if the gun hadn't jammed. I had to deal with them using my great will-power alone.

May 29, 2007

Let's just say that the island of Kazakastan is now home to a purely vegetarian society.

May 30, 2007

I decided to wait until evolution granted me the ability to fly, and then ride home on a nice gust of warm air.

June 1, 2007

I decided to travel home by Plan B: swim. Luckily I was only 5000 miles away from my home. I decided to make the journey home fun by attempting to beat my previous time record for this distance, swimming butterfly. I arrived home, ate a refreshing meal, realized I had forgotten my laptop, swam back, got my laptop, and swam home again all in a record-breaking twelve hours. I decided to take a short nap.

June 3, 2007(Today)

After sleeping for two days straight, I awoke, took a shower, and decided to update my blog. Maybe someday I'll write a book detailing my journeys.

So you see, I actually haven't been ignoring you all this time, it's just the only internet access on Kazakastan was dial-up(those poor cannibals
vegetarian natives), and you know how I hate dial-up.

Hopefully next time I visit them I can bring DSL along with me so I can keep ya'll updated. And hopefully I'll be able to keep this blog updated, barring any unforeseen circumstances.

Like Sheep To the Slaughter

2007-04-09T10:59:00.000-07:00

Today, while looking in the mirror and admiring myself, I realized that everyone else in the world matters not.

American Idol, American Shmidol

2007-04-04T19:56:00.000-07:00

You know, I think American Idol is pretty dumb. I mean, it's bad enough to worship stupid little idols of gods without practically drooling over some people who God gave a nice voice. And those judges, I mean, puuh-lease, do you really think they have any freedom over what they say; NO!! It's all scripted out. Randy is the nice dude who tells it like it is, the girl(can't remember her name) is the nice one who never wants to hurt anyone, and Simon is the mean man. I mean, he would say the Beatles lacked oomph and were just plain horrible if they got up in front of him. And then the narrator dude, I hate the way they try to draw out the suspense when they're kicking someone out. (They need half an hour of show to air, so that's the way they fill it.)

The narrator dude with the nice little goatee* says: "And you are.......not.......going home, you are safe!!!"

Ooh you had me there.

He should say: "And you are not surely ever not not going home."

And then make them figure it out. And if they get it wrong, they have to go home.

Besides, should I ever go on there, I think we all know who would win. Simon would loose his job cause he would have to complement me evertime I sang, and that's not what's in his contract.

*He has to trim his facial hair that way, it's in his contract.

What Are You Talking About

2007-04-03T16:57:00.000-07:00

Hi,
So some have accused me of not posting as often as need be, and I profusely deny that. I am Dave, need I say any more??

But I mean, is it really necessary to pour out myself into this scrap of 0's and 1's. Eventually, Google will be sued and lose, Blogger.com will be sold, and then who knows if they won't erase all blog entries of everyone who won't pay them some money.

After all, eventually, the world will end, and the earth will boil away into a deep nothing. What then?

Just a thought.

Dave the Great

I Single Handedly Saved Halo III

2007-02-24T19:06:00.000-08:00

So, today, while working on Halo III, I noticed that there was a glitch in the game, well, I told Joe to fix it. He said he couldn't cause it wasn't a glitch. I told him it was. He told me he would fix it. I later found the same glitch and told him to fix it again. He said no. I threatened him with a dock in pay. He told me I don't have that kind of authority. I told him I was Dave. It didn't seem to impress him.

I thought about it today, and I realized that I'm going to have to start a public relations thingy with the public. Apparently a lot of you see me as a megalomaniac. Anyone care to be my public relations advisor?
-Dave The Great

BTW: I found Joe's blog(http://joetheidiot.blogspot.com). Apparently he doesn't like me. That will be remedied shortly.

I Got A Job

2007-02-08T14:40:00.000-08:00

I enlisted in the air-force today, but I sort of beat up my commanding officer with my aforementioned strong hand muscles and for some reason they didn't like that. I got fired.

I decided I wanted to work for Microsoft. I decided that head CEO would be the best job for me and my brain, but then figured out it was already taken. I decided I didn't care, but unfortunately, the security guards did.

I decided I wanted to be the chief project manager for Halo 3 so I went up to the front desk and asked. They told me I couldn't. I got mad. However, the following day, the "former" chief manager mysteriously showed up bound and gagged in the back of my closet, so I decided to impersonate him as a personal favor until he got better.

Today was my first day on the job. I wrote a line of code that wouldn't compile and yelled at a lot of people. I couldn't quite figure out why the code didn't work.
I tried a few variations among them was.

"1010101100101010101010101010101010"

"Make an explosion."

"Make an explosion, please."

"Marry had a little lamb."

Oh well.

I have some stupid guy named Joe on my team. He's a lowly programmer and model artist. He was really depressed, so I yelled at him for a while to cheer him up.

-Dave The New Head Chief Of Halo III

"Levi Who??" And "Inferior Beings"

2007-02-04T15:39:00.000-08:00

You may have noticed that the last post was signed by a certain Levi. Who is this?? I'm not sure. Apparently he hacked into my account. A certain person said that the great Dave would not let his account be hacked into. Well, if you noticed, this is not my blog service, it's Google's. Their fault.

I'm sorry for the confusion.

And one other thing. Where is Huntsville????????

Also, I was looking back over my posts, and I realized that I have become way to tolerant with you people. I believe my first post pretty much said it all, so I'm going to repost it.

Hello Inferior Beings, this is Dave Thompson, a.k.a Dave the Superior. This is the place for me to vent my feelings of rage at the rest of the insignificant population of this world.

Just yesterday, I was sitting around feeling better than everyone else, and my "friends"(so they call themselves) were wishing they were more like me, when I looked in the mirror and realized why I was so great. I'm going to put a picture up here to show you, but I'll have to blur it up so you won't go blind from the dazzling beauty.

Well, I could go on typing all day, due to my massive hand muscle strength, but I'm tired of sharing the workings of my enormous brain with you peons.
-Dave

While We're Waiting

2007-01-26T17:46:00.000-08:00

While we're waiting for our ships and planes to get done and the laser to be assembled, normal blog programming will resume.

So today, I decided I should probably get a job. You know be as incognito as possible while waiting to invade Antarctica.
So I applied to a few jobs. My talents are listed below.

1. Computer Programmer
I have been messing around with computers for years now, and I can make them preform any task by yelling at them(the better ones don't require me to raise my voice). This includes creating game engines with real time ray-tracing, models used in scientific experiments(IE, modeling explosions, collisions, fluid dynamics etc.)

2. Air-force Pilot
While I can't fly planes, I can look really cool in those masks they wear. I think this qualifies me.

3. Counselor
I'll make you feel better about yourself by showing you how you could never compare to me. No one could, so why feel depressed about it.

4. King
Any country wishing me to be their ruler, please send me your resume at my email address listed on my profile.

5. Anything
While I may not have that much experience in a job, I am Dave. Enough said.

-Dave

Attack Plan

2007-01-22T20:30:00.000-08:00

Ok. Here is the attack plan. The illustrations are below. Keep in mind though, that this came in a flash of inspiration, so it's a rough draft.

Note: In the illustrations, steps 3 and 4 should be swapped(4 should be step 3, 3 should be 4. Since I got this in a flash of inspiration, I wrote those wrong)

Step 1: Build and Deploy ships and planes.
As Antarctica is an island nation, we must use ships and planes. This will be a mostly hostile surprise attack, so we won't need many people. We just go in and take. We will need supplies to build the ships and planes. With my brain, I have secured these supplies and the ships and planes will be done in roughly a week. They will be deployed shortly there-after.

Step 2: Attack
Ok, as you can see below, we must take out the governmental buildings. As this is Antarctica, this is pretty easy. We then land and go on to the next step.

Step 3: Declare Davetopia as a sovereign nation.
Flag designs will be decided by a contest. The best design will win. The winner will get the satisfaction of knowing his design will be on Davetopia's flag.

Step 4: Melt the Ice(David Massie this is where you come in)
I love cold, but not that cold. I mean, so cold it doesn't snow. I mean, we need some way to melt that ice. Then we can have snow. Yay! So David, I need you to get me the materials I need to build this mirror or laser(whichever is easier). I also need to know the most efficient point to focus the light on. I also need you to convince your colleges that I am the rightful government of Antarctica. This is a big job. I'm counting on you. You have the title of Vice Tyrant.

Click the picture to enlarge in a new window.

P.S. I have gotten no emails to the email address I posted. davethegreat@bellsouth.net I wonder if it's broken.

Delays

2007-01-20T13:44:00.000-08:00

Sorry, It's taken longer than expected to get a pardon from Canada and draw up my battle plans. I will have them soon.

Stay With Me
--Dave

I'm Sorry, But Here's My Excuse

2007-01-19T05:30:00.000-08:00

Just D rightly accused me of posting too few posts on here. However I do have an excuse.

You see, in my last post, I said that a decisive move against Canada would be taken on the 12th of January. Well, it was. I can't say where I am exactly, but let me just say that the enemies holding cell is not very comfy. THEY HAVE DIAL-UP FOR PETE'S SAKE!!!!

However, I have agreed to be released under the condition that I don't' try to attack again, so I should be out of here in a few days. I will try to post everyday, or at least every other day from now on. I am sorry loyal fans.

Now I have to go plan my attack on Antarctica, so please excuse me while I draw out my battle plans. Tomorrow I'll scan them in and show them to all of ya'll. I know you can't wait.

Stay Sharp Antarciticanese, I'm coming for YOU!
--Dave

I'm Back

2007-01-02T12:32:00.000-08:00

Hello,
I've been really sick and then I was very busy, and then I was even more busy, so I apologize for the absence.

Christmas was nice, so was New Years, I won't tell you much about them.

I have been assigned to a top secret mission by a top secret organization that we shall just say has to do with my previous post on Canada. I hope that this will not interfere with my postings.

Anyone in Canada should expect a brief power outage around midnight, January 12th. This will include your cable and DSL lines, although I'm not sure you have such things up there. See you soon(can't say why though). I'll update you on my progress as soon as I can.

P.S. I have put up the links section to my fans blogs/sites. If you would like me to put your link there, comment and tell me.

-Dave

Sicker Than A Dead Dog In An Arizona Blizzard

2006-12-20T08:27:00.000-08:00

I've had the flu recently, sorry for the long silence. Apparently, the flu doesn't distinguish between people. It should.

ugh
-Dave

There's Only ONE of Me

2006-12-14T14:47:00.000-08:00

Sorry, people, I won't be able to attend all the Christmas Parties I have been invited too(currently 318 and counting). I am actually not attending any Christmas Parties. I am having a quiet Christmas at home.

However, if you would like to send me an e-card or a nice Christmas letter, you can send me one at my email address provided davethegreat@bellsouth.net I shall try to respond to all of you, but I might not get a chance.

Merry Christmas
-Dave

BTW: I am going to create links to my fans blogs. If you would like a link to yours set up, then post a comment and let me know.

Why Do You Read This Blog

2006-12-09T18:03:00.000-08:00

I am conducting a survey. Do you read this blog.

A. For my greatness.
B. To soak up my greatness.
C. Because you feel so inferior for me.
D. If you have another reason, state it.

I am looking forward to your responses.

Dave

Canada(Or Should I Say The Only Thing Keeping Us From Having A Whole Continent To Ourselves)

2006-12-08T16:02:00.000-08:00

I was looking at a map today, and I was appalled to discover that Canada is not actually the 51st(as well as largest) state in the United States. :-O

In order to conform this, I first went to my massive brain for more information, but was unable to resolve my problem. Therefore, I went to the mystic oracle that is called Google, where I was even more outraged to find that it is the only thing keeping the US from having a whole continent to itself(except for Mexico, but that's in Central America, not North American).

Now, what's up with these people trying to keep the US out of Canada? I mean, not only are they keeping us from North America, but they're also keeping the better half of Niagara Falls for themselves.

Here I will list the things that I have found offensive about Canada.

1. First up, what's up with the stupid flag? I mean, a leaf????? Wow, lets be original guys, come up with the one thing that is in every country in the world, and stick it to some cloth. (I have a theory that their flag was created when the flag creating committee left a white sheet outside in fall.)

2. Canadian Bacon? HAM GUYS!!!

3. British Columbia Can't decide whether they're still under British Control, or if they're in South America.

Anyways, I now officially declare Canada for the United States of America. I'm sure all of you Canadians are cheering with joy.

I'm Coming For You Brethren
-Dave

1/2P.S. http://www.lost.eu/e6e3

P.S. The views in this post are not endorsed by any governing body of the United States Of America. They are solely the result of my great brain.

P.P.S. If you would like to donate money to the cause, IM me at once(my IM is in my profile). Together we can take back North America!(We need a cool moving logo and sound byte to any designers who are out there.)

P.P.P.S. I apologize to any Canadians who remain loyal to the socialist regime in Canada.

P.P.P.P.S Don't stop reading my greatness just cause you're from Canada.

Ancestors Vs. Descendents; Jelly Vs. Cream, and Other Stuff

2006-12-06T13:29:00.000-08:00

I have recently gotten two comments I would like to respond to.

One is from Just D
This is a comment on one of my earlier posts: My Humble Beginnings
He says:
"Not to be picky here, but unless you were DaVinci's grandfather (which would cause an extreme paradigm, at which point most of us lesser being's heads would explode), he should have signed it to his greatest descendant, not ancestor.

Or something like that."

The other is from The CEO
This is a comment on the immediately previous post.
The CEO Says:
"While I tend to believe you on jelly filled, I have doubts about creme filled and honey dipped. When can I expect your work to cover these donuts?"

I will answer The CEO first.

*Ahem* While it may be hard for you to follow, the previous post can be used to prove the existence of anything by the substitution property of completely complex things.

I'll demonstrate.

For the three simple explanations, just substitute the item of your choice for "Jelly Donut". Now, as long as the statements hold true for that item, it is proved that it exist. For example, with brief proof 1:

Proof 1: I said it so you'd better believe it.

"It" Stands for "Jelly Donuts Exist". Substitute "Cream Filled Donuts Exist" and you have a proof(if I've said that, which I say here). You can do this for brief proofs 2 and 3 as well. Just substitute your item for "Jelly Filled Donuts", and as long as the statements hold, the substituted items exist.

For the longer proof, you would have to have a nose hair covered in the substance to deduce the existence of an item. There is another way, which is to basically denying the existence of everything and then denying the denial of everything, therefore, all things must exist.

Now To Answer Just D

Alright, you say that the painting should be signed to "My greatest descendant Dave, not ancestor, unless there was a lot of time travel involved. First let me reassure you that I am NOT, I repeat NOT, going to make up some stupid thing about how I traveled back in time and blah, blah, blah. This isn't Star Trek(although I HAVE figured out the answer to breaking the speed of light).

My first thought was, "Well, everyone makes mistakes, I mean, just cause it's Da vinci doesn't mean he didn't get brain blips sometimes."

Then I got to thinking and I figured there should be some other explanation. Well, I have exhaustively researched the problem, and I think I have found the answer.

If you recall Da Vinci was Italian. Now, if you look at the painting below it's in English(you might see where I'm going). If he was Italian, why did he write the below in English. Well, obviously he knew that I would be English(though I have mastered 50 other languages besides English, including Klingon and Romulan, I have not yet taken it upon myself to learn Italian). Da Vinci foresaw this, and wrote the text in English for my ease(he was a nice guy). Well, you know how it's said English is the hardest language to learn. Plus, who knows what the English was like then, what with thee and thou and all the 'eths they puteth on the end of everything) He made a small mistake. You can't exactly sue him(especially since he's dead).

I hope that you are pleased with my responses. I now need to go and finish my 1,000,000,000,000 page paper on the effects of a butterfly flapping its wings.

With Utter Disregard
-Dave

"From Nose Hair to The Existence of Jelly Filled Donuts"

2006-12-04T20:45:00.000-08:00

"From Nose Hair to The Existence of Jelly Filled Donuts"
An exhaustively easy explanation of how, from an atom from one of my nose hairs, we can conclude the existence of jelly donuts."

NOTE: The explanation below is incomplete. After I started writing, I realized that to properly prove the existence of Jelly Filled Donuts from examining an atom from a human hair would take approximately 5x10^25 pages.

Therefore I have included a EXTREMELY brief summery below(in strikeout characters and small print at the bottom of this post for your convenience). This explanation will seem boggled, twisted and just plain stupid to most people because not all the proof is there. It looks amazing if you have all the proof, but as mentioned above, that takes up a lot of space(I currently have a 700 GB hard-drive devoted entirely to this proof, but it's not quite complete, and I haven't found a site that will host a 700 GB file yet so you'll have to wait).

To replace the below proof with one that will make more sense to ordinary people, I offer the following proofs.

Proof 1: I said it so you'd better believe it.

Proof 2: Google Jelly Filled Donuts, you'll find that they do in fact exist.

Proof 3: Look at the below picture. It'd be pretty hard to come up with that if JFD's didn't exist.
(JFD's stand for Jelly Filled Donuts. In my experience, three letter acronyms are much cooler to say than three words. Some examples are: WMD(Weapons Of Mass Destruction), BSD(Berkeley Software Distribution), DMV(Department of Motor Vehicles), DIG(Dave Is Great), and so on and so forth.)

And if all this isn't enough proof, I'm eating one as I write this, so I know they do exist.

Share and Enjoy,
-Dave

(Below is the very incomplete proof. See above for why this is so incomplete.)

Givens: I have an atom from a strand of hair from my nose.
Goal: To deduce the existence of jelly filled donuts from the givens(see above).
Given the atom, we can study it and see the following. First, using equations that are so big they would use up too much space to write, we find that the atom belongs to a species named homo-sapient. Now, these homo-sapient have two legs and walk(more long equations, just don't ask), and that the taste of sugary substances attracts them. Given this, by utilising the "I think therefore I am.(See Previous Post for an explanation of how we can prove this), we can deduce the fact "We think of sugary stuff, therefore it is.", and from this on to "My nose-hair is covered with raspberry jelly and donut, therefore it is." where it is a variable which represents the physical laws of the know universe(deduced from the atom of the nose-hair). Now, using matrix math, and multiplying the inverse of a 3x3 matrix onto a 4x4 rotational matrix, we can deduce the following.

Humans like jelly donuts.
The nose hair atom we are studying comes from a human.
The nose hair is covered in jelly and donut crumbs.

Using these and the transitive property of logic, we can see that Jelly Filled Donuts do in fact exist.

Don't Use My Greatness, Besides You're all Wrong Anyway

2006-11-29T21:12:00.000-08:00

I would appreciate it if the world didn't use my great blog space to advertise for their mediocre websites. I have had to delete the comment in question, so you can't see it anymore, but it disappoints me to see people taking advantage of my greatness.

Now, while I was swimming this afternoon, I discovered that the mass of the earth could be determined from the size of the waves that expand from a drop of water. I did some quick mental calculations, and discovered that the mass of the earth is not in fact 5.9742×10^24 Kilograms. In fact, it's a lot more on the scale of 5.9741*10^24 Kilograms. While some may argue that the .0001 change doesn't matter, just take into account that the whole of technology is operating on the flawed assumption that the earth has .0001*10^24 more mass than it does. Just think! This throws the whole world off kilter. If we used the correct mass of the earth in science today, my great brain has calculated that we would save something on the order of a rather large amount of electricity. This would result in the rapid reduction of pollution, as well as making the earth just a whole lot nicer.

So maybe next time they determine a so called "fact", they should ask me.

Next post I'll go over the repercussions of this huge discovery on astronomy, and if I have time, I will extrapolate the existence of the rest of the universe from an atom from a strand of my hair(from my nose to be exact).

Stay beautiful,
Dave

I Am Not In Denial

2006-10-24T15:24:00.000-07:00

I deny the following:

1. That I was ever summoned to court.
2. That I was ever arrested.
3. That I ever went to jail(this sort of goes with the last one).
4. That I have ever read Harry Potter books.
5. That I have ever plucked my nose hair(what are cordless nose hair trimmers for).

I also utterly deny that I posted the previous two posts. In fact I deny that they are even there. In fact I deny that I ever denied them. I also deny the denial of my denial. I deny that too.

The denied posts must have been written by a hater of me. I won though, so ha!(I deny I just typed that).

If we follow this logical string of denials back up the line, we will arrive finally at the denial of everything. From there we go to "I do not think, therefore, I do not exist."

Using multi-variable differential calculus, we can express this statement with the following equation.

Θ(fε(t))dµ(t)=−πf4ε(t)dµ(t)+(bπ+a)Gfε(t)dµ(π)+θafε(t)*dµ(Σ)

From this, we can surmise: I think, therefore, I am.(We can also surmise E=MC^2, but we won't go into that.)

Please Comment

2006-10-20T09:33:00.000-07:00

Comment if you see this, I need to now I still have fans out there that read this. I don't care if you've never even read my blog, just read it(or not) and then comment please!

I'm losing faith.
-Dave

Forgive and Forget, Right?

2006-08-20T15:50:00.001-07:00

Please forgive me for my long absence...I have moved twice in the last couple of months. My first new location was a gated community with most excellent security service. My address was Cell-block 341A, Coosa County Jail. My second move(my current location) was to a big building named "Coosa Rehabilitation Center".

It all started when two people dressed in dark blue uniforms with star shaped badges showed up on my doorstep uninvited. I attempted to drive them away with my hoard of attack mice I have training in my basement for several years. Unfortunately, it appeared my training was for nought, as all the mice did was run and hide.

The next thing that happened puzzles me to this day. The bluesy dressed people started saying things like..."Under arrest", Something about my "'rights'? hand.", "Remain silent", and such...

An awkward silence ensued.

After a minute, I broke the silence by excusing my-self to go get something to eat. Rudely, the bluesy dressed people came inside uninvited and watched my actions suspiciously. All this staring was making me rather uncomfortable, so I decided to take a brisk walk to calm my nerves. When the people started following me, I decided to make it a very quick run away from wherever they were.

Unfortunately, my yard was enclosed by a fence, and I didn't have time to open the gate, so I decided to jump it. However, because of forces out of my control, I didn't quite make it. I woke up in the back of a white car.

At the station I was given a telephone, and told I could make one call. I was still rather hungry, so I decided to call the Pizza Guy. I ordered a large pizza with the works, but then they hung up on me after I told them where I was calling from. The bluesy men showed up again and took my to my apartment, which turned out to be small and made entirely of metal.

Strangely enough, none of my countless fans or friends came to bail me out. I assumed that they are all hibernating for the summer.

I won't give too many details about my appearance in court. I will tell you, however, that it was immediately after I got up and made a long speech that I was told I was moving again, this time to the "Coosa Rehabilitation Center".

I promised my counselor that I would delete this blog, but am secretly keeping it up.

Till later...

Yours Truly,
Dave the Great

What, Me Worry?

2006-06-26T13:15:00.000-07:00

Apparently, my last post caused no small amount of concern among my fans. It seems that they think that I am getting sued for some reason. Well, let me assure them, that their fears have no foundation whatsoever. I'm just way too great to sue. In a comment, a fan of mine interpreted the writing like this.

"Dear Mr. Thompson,
By not responding to any of our previous (illegible), to remove the (illegible) content from (illegible) (illegible), you have forced us to take (illegible) action against (illegible)."

Well, I have figured out the illegible portions, and it goes like this

"Dear Mr. Thompson,
By not responding to any of our previous pleadings, to remove the great content from your blog, you have forced us to take great action against all other blogs."

Apparently, my blog is too great, so they are taking everyone elses offline. I'm sure the change will come about in the next few days. I'm sure you all will understand.

Anyway, no worries about lawsuits.

P.S. Comments such as

"Hey, dve!

The can su U, U'r 2 cool t ge sud! Jus give mE d word, dve, and il go n kill jams dogder or wtever an he ovisly dont kno dat u r dve! i m sooo md nou!

-dvs fn woo s anry"

are more insulting than they are anything else. I mean, if you're going to leave a comment on the greatest(and soon to be only) blog on the Internet, then at least have the decency to spell things right!

To Europe or Bust!!

2006-06-21T10:14:00.000-07:00

I decided today that I would like to take a trip to Europe. I figured that seeing the great arts and buildings of the past will help relieve the feeling that I am the only person great enough to understand the things that I do.

Anyway, the mail-truck deposited more envelopes and papers in the little box by the street today. One of them was again from "The Law Offices of James Dogooder"(see my post entitled What Happened Today for more on James Dogooder and my greatness). The letter was again written in cursive, and so, I could not read it. However, I will post it up so you all can see that it is obviously a tribute to my greatness.

I accidentally set fire to it, and then had to douse it to put out the flames, so it's a little smudged, but I'm sure you can make it out(click on it to get a larger version).

Life Work

2006-06-16T19:18:00.000-07:00

I am writing a book about my life. I believe these books in English (the language of the common American peasant) are called auto-biographies. To clarify, I'm not in the process of writing. I have been done with the writing for almost fifteen years. I'm currently in the process of trying to get a major publishing company to syndicate my book. This as I call it "SINdictation" stage has taken the fifteen years since I finished the final draft of my book. Now while many lesser authors would be discouraged by the flood of rejection slips, I am not. I'm sure you are thinking, "How is he so stead fast in the face of almost certain defeat?" Now you may think that it's another one of my amazing traits or that it must be a combination of my ancestors and my own amazing will power. But in reality, it's neither supreme bloodlines nor nerves of steel. It is knowledge that the publishers are wrong and I am right. In a couple of days, I will release never-before-seen rejection slips from the publisher with their ridiculous remarks on my amazing paragraphs.
-Dave

Recent Happenings

2006-06-01T13:27:00.000-07:00

Recently, I was hacked by the person who now calls himself "the critic". Obviously, my greatness became to much for him to bear, and he just had to try to defeat me. He challenged me to a duel, and I accepted.

We decided that since I live in America, and he lives in Denial, the best place for us to meet was over the internet. I challenged him to a game of Castle Wolfenstien, and he accepted.

The battle was short lived. I won a game. He then accused me of cheating and wanted a rematch. This went on for 5 games(me winning all of them), until he finally exited the game in disgust. It appears that I have won once and for all.

-Dave

The Stupid Computer Among Other Things

2006-05-31T12:28:00.000-07:00

I woke up today and turned on my computer, only to be greeted by a shower of sparks and an extraordinarily hot electrical fire. I quickly extinguished the fire with nothing but my willpower*.

After I extinguished the fire, the computer, surprisingly, would not power on. I tried yelling at it. After a full ten minutes of severe verbal abuse, the computer still refused to yield to me. I quickly proceed to physical abuse, using mallets, hammers, and screwdrivers as instruments of torture.

The computer had by now, received more damage than a Swiss-Army Knife could take. However, it still refused to power on.

I abandoned the computer as worthless.

As to just how I am posting this if my computer does not work: Just put it down to my greatness.

On another note, I received a call today about some letter. I was eating lunch at the time, and didn't think it was important enough to note what the guy said.

-Dave

*And something that shot white foam over everything

What Happened Today?

2006-05-30T12:20:00.000-07:00

I woke up, admiring my self in the mirror I have hanging over my bed. After a while, I decided it was time for some food to feed my brain.

Around noon, the mail-truck drove by, leaving, as it is in the habit of doing, some papers in my large box on a stick by the street. Among these papers was a particularly large yellow thing holding more papers. Curiosity overcame me, and I opened it to reveal a nice letter addressed to me, written in cursive. I have long since decided, that cursive is a stupid and often quite illegible form of writing(I have created many forms of writing to replace cursive, but they, as of yet, have not become known to the public), and therefore, forgot how to read it. Because of this, I had to guess at what the letter said.

I'm assuming it said something like this:
"Dear Great Dave,
I have always been your fan. I love you! You are so great.
-Your Subordinate Fan"

I am unsure as to whether this translation is correct, for the simple reason that the letter itself was a full 10 pages long. It could, of course, have been the same words repeated over and over again.

I could however, read the return address. It was: "The Law Offices of James Dogooder"
It must be that the legal system is in as much awe of me as ordinary peons.

-Dave

The Universe

2006-05-29T09:52:00.000-07:00

Now to tell you more about my thinking. I am a humble man by nature, I never hurt anyone intentionally, and I don't think I've ever done something I didn't intend to do.

My thoughts on the universe go something like this. I think that the universe is not, as most physicist think, and ever expanding egg shaped object. Rather, it is about the size and shape of the CD-ROM that is not resting on my desk. The only difference between it and the universe, is that the universe is more like those new holographic disks they are just now starting to create. So really, all the universe is, is a reflection of the real universe. I won't go into my beliefs about what this means for humanity. The thing is, the universe is like a mirror that reflects more than light. It reflects feelings, pain, etc. So really, there is no difference between the real universe, and our one. Just as there is no difference between the person, and his reflection.

I got a phone call today from someone today. He started yelling at me, and I figured he loved me so much he couldn't control himself.

-Dave

About the Butterknife

2006-05-29T08:23:00.000-07:00

It appears that I have silenced the critic once and for all with my great logic and amazing tact. Nevertheless, I will do what I said, and post a picture of the engravings on the butterknife. A picture of the key to the ancient dialect is not possible since I solved it all in my head.

As you can see, there is clearly writting on the reverse side. Later posts will no longer focus on critics of my past and such. They will focus again on my greatness and such.

-Dave

Reply to a Critic

2006-05-28T20:59:00.000-07:00

Hi,
I received a comment to both of my previous posts. The first one was just what I expected.

A comment from 'Captian Peabody':

"Wow, Dave, you are so great! I feel honored just to be able to read the same words you've written."

But the second one had some issues with some of my reasoning about my ancestors. It was from an anonymous person, and it said:

"Hey umm dave you strike me as a megalomanaic. You realize that this so called "da vinci painting theory has several holes in it, and I will list them in orer of most to least important. First, it is known that da vinci was gay and had no children. secondly if he did some how manage to raise a family with out the world knowing it how should he have known that in a couple hundred years one of his desendants would be named Dave? Secondly, we have no evidence that the so called "sword"(actually a butter knife) has any inscription much less a relation to genghis kahn. Finally to name just one of the many flaws that frequent your post, how did a butter kife of an asian war lord end up in an American attic? Could I also be so bold as to ask to have you post a picture of the inscription as well as the key you made to cipher the ancient dialect. I have touched on a few of the many problems that seem to in habit this piece of junk you call a post.
with all respect,
anonymous"

Now, we'll go through this point by point. First of all, Da Vinci was NOT gay, I don't care what you say. I don't know where you got this information, but that's just not true. Look up any biography you want. Now, what the biographies will tell you is that he was not gay, but what they won't tell you, is that he WAS, in fact, married. He was married to a peasant girl who lived just outside of his hometown. The marriage was a secret, and the girl died a year later giving birth to their only son(my great-great-great-etc-grandfather). I gather this information from sources(written by Da Vinci himself) I found in my attic when I found the painting.

And as to him knowing I would be his ancestor... I don't know how he knew, the only thing that matters is that he DID know(if you want proof, look at the inscription on the painting).

About the butter-knife/sword deal. You say there is no evidence of it, yet there is evidence on the very page you are reading from. The picture of the knife in my previous post is, of course, what I'm speaking of. As to how it got in my attic, it just so happens that I do not feel I should share the story with just any person who comes to this site, so I will not tell.

As to a picture of the inscription. I will post a picture soon. I cannot do it right this minute because the knife in question is currently being examined by trained professionals.

And as for your comment. Learn to spell and capitalize properly. And PLEASE, at least sign your name, not just 'anonymous'.

-Dave

My Humble Beginnings

2006-05-28T14:14:00.000-07:00

Lately, I have been receiving emails, letters, IM's, etc, all inquiring about my past. Well, I deleted all those, but yesterday, looking in my mirror, I realized that I owed it to the world to tell them HOW I became so great.

I have tracked my lineage back, and using my great brain, have determined without doubt, that I am, in fact, a direct descendant of Albert Einstein. Delving further, I discovered that Einstein was a direct descendant of none other than Leonardo Da Vinci, and in turn, Da Vinci was a direct descendant of the famous warlord, Genghis Khan.

Therefore(using a method I call "the transitive method"), I am the modern day Genghis Khan.(Don't worry if you don't understand(it just means I'm great), or in fact, believe this[I will offer proof later in the post])

But I do not let the knowledge of my great lineage alter me in the least. I am still the kind, compassionate, caring, humble person I have always been.

As of my past, I was born great, I am great, and I will always be great. That is all you need to know.

Earlier in the post, I told you that I would offer proof as to my lineage.

Here, I am including a picture of a thing past down to me from the great Khan himself. On the reverse side(not included in the picture), is an inscription in an ancient dialect.

My great brain has been able to decipher this dialect and here is the approximate translation: "This butter knife is the sole property of Genghis Khan. Any duplication, or unauthorized use will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law."

I think that proves the Khan connection. Now, since I proved that Da Vinci is a descendant of Khan, Einstein a descendant of Da Vinci, and I myself a descendant of Einstein, this obviously proves without a doubt my point. But to dissuade any remaining doubters, I will offer proof of my relation to these two men.

This painting is sure-fire proof that I am related to Da Vinci. I found this in my attic one day.

Now, If you look in the lower left hand corner of this masterpiece, you will see an inscription which reads: "From: Grandpa Da Vinci
To: My Greatest Ancestor Dave"

"Grandpa Da Vinci" is obviously a shortened title. The correct inscription with all of the "Greats" included could never fit in the corner of a painting.

For proof of my relation to Einstein, I will show you a page I found in a notebook entitled "Einstein's Notebook", and handed down through the family for generations.

It starts to say: "To find the volume of the spherical junk of anti-matter[EQUATION]"

It was obviously at this moment that inspiration struck, and the famous E=MC^2 was born. You can see this from the big Voila!!!! written below it.

So there is my past. I hope you peons enjoyed it.
-Dave

All About Me And My Greatness

2006-05-28T13:44:00.000-07:00

Hello Inferior Beings, this is Dave Thompson, a.k.a Dave the Superior. This is the place for me to vent my feelings of rage at the rest of the insignificant population of this world.

Just yesterday, I was sitting around feeling better than everyone else, and my "friends"(so they call themselves) were wishing they were more like me, when I looked in the mirror and realized why I was so great. I'm going to put a picture up here to show you, but I'll have to blur it up so you won't go blind from the dazzling beauty.

Well, I could go on typing all day, due to my massive hand muscle strength, but I'm tired of sharing the workings of my enormous brain with you peons.
-Dave

Next Post: We'll explore my past, and explore just what has made me into the great person I am today.